Magic Jewball

Yesterday I had lunch with my friend who works at CNN. Of course I was psyched because we work just blocks apart and yet have been doing the “we really should have lunch” thing for over a year. But I was also excited, being the mediawhore that I am, to see the CNN digs. You may remember my fond remarks about Pat Kiernan on NY1. Yep, CNN owns them too.

When I was in Atlanta some years ago I took the whole CNN tour. I got to see Sachi Koto reading the news right in front of me! And a couple of years ago I was just walking along, minding my own business in front of the Time Warner Center when lo and behold, there was Jeannie Moos doing a piece right there on the street. I have kind of a girl-crush on Jeannie Moos. She’s funnier than I’ll ever be. So I yelled out, “Jeannie Moos, you rock!” It was kind of spontaneous. She called me over and interviewed me for her piece which was about former President Clinton. I can’t be more specific than that because then you’ll find the video on their site and see me. Luckily, as you’d know if you read the first paragraph, I have a friend at CNN, so I was able to get a copy.

But back to yesterday. I forgot my camera but that’s OK. I have a feeling they wouldn’t have taken too kindly to me documenting the place pictorially on my blog. Hell, the security was comparable to getting on an El Al flight. I had to show a picture ID several times, they printed me out a badge, and gave me yet another badge to hand to the security guy not 10 feet away. I guess they’d heard about my fondness for Pat Kiernan. This is in stark contrast to my building, where a certain famous rapper once came and tried to off an executive with several heavy objects from said executive’s own office. And yet, anybody could get in here. They really know how to keep people from killing you at CNN. You have to admire that in a company.

And I know I’ve said before that the mall part of the center is plush, but man, they should film the Apprentice there or something. First off, there was CNN on in the elevator. If we played our music in the elevators here, well, I think the building would sue us. In the waiting area there was a bank of fancee screens playing various Time Warner channels. Fortunately for me, the sound was off on the one showing Becker on TBS.

Then there is their cafeteria. I mean, they have that fantastic Whole Foods in the basement and yet, they still have a gourmet caf with lots of tasty choices as well as a mind-blowing view of Central Park. Man, I wished I had my camera. Next time. Strangely, you are not allowed to use cash at the CNN cafeteria, I assume because Ted Turner never carries any. You have to load bucks onto a special card and use that. I guess with times as they are over there, they need the interest-free loan on your card balance.

One of the food areas is designated as the “International” food bar. The country of the day was “Meze.” Despite being graduates of good colleges, neither my friend nor I had any idea there was a country called Meze. Based on the sorts of food that was offered, we assumed it was an Arabic nation. Well, according to Wikipedia, it’s a cuisine, not a country, you fools!

“A Mezze (Turkish Meze), in eastern Mediterranean and Middle Eastern cuisine, is a selection of appetizers or small dishes taken with alcohol, similar to tapas of Spain.”

Sadly, there was no alcohol. Can you imagine if Anderson Cooper got wasted before his 360 show? I think not.

On a whole other topic, I have a hard time asking friends and family for money. This is one reason I don’t run “athons,” the other being that I’m lazyass and out of shape. But for me personally, I am extremely anal about money and have a strict budget. I was in debt for a long, long time (Who gives a credit card to a college student making $25 a week? Oh right, everyone.) and am enjoying my sixth year of other-than-mortgage, debt-free living. I have a certain amount set aside for charitable giving. So when friends run charity races, well, it diverts money from other causes I want to give to, like Doctors Without Borders (they really need a “Run For the Border”) or my high school, which desperately needs money. Because I like my friends and family, I end up giving a lot of money to disease research, which is what most of these runs are for. A worthy cause, no doubt, but not the only one.

But I recognize that not everyone is like this. Some people have ten bucks between the cushions of their couch and just need to hear that their friend is running five miles to motivate them to go digging for it. It is to these people that I address the following.

Some of the freaks, er, friends who are part of my online community are running the Susan G. Komen race for Breast Cancer research in Boston this year, as they did last year. Even if my Mom hadn’t had the last five years of her life ruined by this disease that ultimately killed her, I’d suggest you scrounge up that money and send it over to them. Why? Because many of them are Jewball readers, and, hey, my stalker stats would be empty without them. No, seriously, they are fantastic people who are using cancer research as an excuse to drink and party for an entire weekend. So if you have a few dollars lying around that you were going to buy a latte with today, why not send it over to some hot chicks running their asses off for a good cause? The website to give is here.

Speaking of asses, have you ever wanted a piece of Hot Blogger’s ass? That is, my BlogMentor, DuchessJane? Who wouldn’t! Now you can have it AND donate to this cause! So should you have a week’s worth of latte money and a desire to have your message advertised all over the city of Boston, please see this.

OK, time for the song of the day. Obviously, the post title is a tweak on a line from A Day in the Life but the Beatles don’t license their music to download services such as Napster. It’s OK, I’m sure you’ve got Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band in your collection. And since I couldn’t find a song about CNN, let’s go with “you’re like a disease without any cure.”

James – Laid

OK, and now, a late-breaking addition! The following question was asked in a comment:

Becca, I hope this doesn’t come out sounding horribly stupid or insulting but, what exactly do you “do” during the Sabbath? Can you light a candle? Do you sit in the dark? I’m totally intrigued here.
Lover of the Jewball,
Paige
Louisville, KY

Hello again Paige!

Here’s a fun new Hebrew phrase that everyone should memorize (don’t worry, there won’t be a test). It’s “Eyn habayshan lomed” which loosely translates as, “the timid person can’t learn.” Since learning is paramount in Judaism, asking questions is always a good thing.

So, onward. As I explained, you can “enjoy” electricity just not actually turn it on or off or manipulate it in any way. So, what we do is, just before sunset on Friday when the Sabbath begins, we set all the electrical things exactly how we want them to be for the next 25 hours. We turn on the light in the bathroom (someone will always turn it off by mistake, though – watch out for that), the kitchen, the dining room, maybe a lamp in the bedroom. We leave the air conditioning on if we need it. Things like that. So we don’t sit in a house without electricity, we just don’t press buttons or flip switches or spin dials. That kind of thing. Some people use timers to turn the lights on and off (living room off at midnight, bedroom on at 8am, etc.) but some don’t.

But, and this is a mistake that many people make, the Sabbath is not about deprivation. No, it’s actually a vacation every single week. Picture yourself in your favorite remote vacation spot. Maybe it’s a beach or a cabin in the woods. No one can call you. E-mails cannot be picked up. You can’t do work that you brought home from the office. If you’re called in, well, you can’t go. There is no TV. No radio. No video games. It’s quiet. All you can hear is the sound of your loved ones. They’re sitting around the cabin talking to each other. Maybe some are reading or playing a board game.

If you’re single, imagine popping over to a nearby cabin to have a festive dinner with a bunch of friends. You’ll eat, you’ll drink, you’ll sing. Maybe you’ll meet some new friends while you’re there.

This is really what the Sabbath is like. On the Saturday, I’ll go to synagogue in the morning, maybe I’ll take a walk or visit friends in the afternoon, read, nap, relax. There is nothing to do. I can’t feel bad that I didn’t do my laundry. I can’t do my laundry. The Sabbath is like an oasis of peace each and every week.

I hope I’ve explained that OK. It’s hard to articulate how restful and relaxing it is. But if I haven’t, try the cabin! And bring a really good book.

You know, planning that I wouldn’t post until Tuesday was a fantastic idea. This bloggy thing is time consuming! Witness the fact that last night, when I didn’t even turn on my computer, I:

• Recycled three weeks of newspapers
• Cooked a gourmet dinner
• Folded laundry
• Baked muffins
• Went to bed before 2am

Conclusion: When am I going to start getting paid for this blog thing?

Anyway, as promised, here are the scintillating answers to your Jewish questions. My two observant Jewish readers can read quietly at their desks while the rest of the class catches up.

Disclaimer: I am not a Rabbi, nor do I play one on the Internet.

Fabulous Hostess in San Diego writes:

Okay, Becca, here’s my question. I really have wondered about this. When you come stay at my house, how can I cook for you? I mean, I’ve got the no pork or shellfish thing down. I’m talking about implements.

Shall I buy two coolers, one for the kosher meats I’ll be preparing and one for the dairy products? Also, I’m planning on buying new pots and pans. Would it be best to await your visit and use brand new pots/pans/utensils? I mean, would it be wrong to serve you your latkes on a plate that held my cheeseburger the night before?

OK, the very first thing you need to do, before anything else, is send me a first class ticket to San Diego. Done? Brilliant.The next thing you need to do is clean out your entire kitchen and throw everything away. Then, scrub everything: the oven, the sink, the counters, the fridge, etc. Then take a blowtorch and….still there? Fabulous Hostess? Fabulous Hostess?

Hot Blogger in Rockland, IL writes:

Is it true that on the Sabbath, the elevators in some buildings in New York stop on every floor?

Does work ever interfere with your Sabbath? Like traveling and such?

Do you wonder what non-Kosher food tastes like? Do you “miss” it? Or is there just no temptation or wonder at all?

1. It is true. First, let me explain why one would need this. On the Sabbath, one is not permitted to use electricity. Why? Because we like you. No, you’re too young to get that joke, Hot Blogger. But really, all the Torah (that’s our Bible and part of some of yours) says is, not to “work.” Since there was no dictionary.com back then, the Rabbis looked around the Torah and found the word “work” someplace else as well. It was used to describe the 39 kinds of work that the builders of the Temple did to construct it. Hey, that’s all-encompassing, right? So that’s the definition we use. Two of these are lighting or extinguishing a fire. When you flip a light switch you are completing an electric circuit that is seen to be lighting a fire. This is not to say that you can’t enjoy a light while it’s on. You just can’t turn it on. Or off. Or on/off, on/off, on/off. This last rule is designed for small children.Same with an elevator. You can get in, you just can’t push a button. So an elevator stopping at every floor will solve this problem. Of course, by the time you’ve reached your floor you’ve converted to another religion.The other thing you can do (although you have to be a Loophole Lucy) is to get in an elevator behind someone else and just go to whatever floor they are going to so you push no buttons. Then you walk from there. There was once a story about a famous, learned Rabbi who did this. He got in behind a woman who asked him, “What floor?” He answered, “Whatever floor you’re going to.” So she slapped him. Oh ahahahahaha. Yes indeedy.But you’d only see these elevators in buildings with mostly religious tenants, like in Borough Park. I mean, who would put up with it? So this is why most Orthodox Jews live on a low floor of a building. I live on the second floor, you know, with Luka.

2. The better question is, does the Sabbath ever interfere with my work or travel? It’s work that has to bend, not the Sabbath. I always tell this to my future employer right during the first interview.

“Hey, this sounds like a fun job, but you know I’ll be leaving work early every Winter Friday and there are eight or 10 days during the year I’ll be taking off and I won’t be able to work on a Saturday, ever. Thanks, I’ll show myself out.”

But seriously, none of my employers have ever had a problem with this. At least they don’t tell me while my lawyers are around (I like to keep a lawyer in my pocket at all times). I don’t travel for my job and if I did, well, my work would end on Friday at sunset and that’d be it.

3. Well, frankly, some non-Kosher food just seems gross to me, as fried insects (a delicacy in some parts of the world, a part of cleaning out the light fixture in others) do to those of us in the Western world. For instance, sausage just looks nasty to me, sorry. Any “breakfast meat,” really. But hey, more for you! And everyone says lobster tastes great but I’ve never really been tempted because it doesn’t look as good as you guys say it tastes and, well, a bib is involved.

Thanks for the multitude of good questions, Hot Blogger!

Underdressed Mom-to-be in Boston asks:

I have a Jewish question not relating to the Sabbath — why must every single freaking Jewish wedding be black tie? Do you not realize that we goyim don’t, as a rule, own tuxedos, and so we must go rent one for every wedding, thus raising the cost of wedding-going by $100? Is it a conspiracy? Do you all laugh at our menfolk in their rented tuxes at your weddings?

Yes. Thanks for writing in!

My allusion to the second floor is of course from:

Suzanne Vega – Luka

And speaking of the Bible:

U2 – 40

I have a feeling I should never post again, that I can’t top the popularity of my Steph post or maybe even that my readers are all dead from competing to be Reader of the Month. It’s shocking what people will do to appear on the Internet in a Preakness hat.

But more than that, I haven’t felt especially funny this week and my mission is to keep you all entertained so that you forget all your troubles. Especially because that will keep you from telling me about them.

So as a stopgap measure, I’ve decided to just play this fun game. What is the similarity between these two songs? You’ll never get it, so to prevent you from pulling out your hair, the answer’s all the way at the bottom! Good luck and there are no prizes except smug self-satisfaction.

The English Beat – Save It For Later

Deftones – Mascara

In the meantime, while you’re listening to these ditties and pondering, I invite you to submit questions for a fun new feature. Today is Mother’s Day and in memory of my mother, a Jewish educator in every fiber of her being, Tuesday’s post will be “Judaism Q&A with Becca!” Now, don’t be shy. I know you’ve been wondering about all kinds of things such as:

“Can you use the toilet on your Sabbath?”
“If there’s no Hell, what keeps you from killing Simon Cowell?”
“What makes food Kosher? Is it special sauce?”

So, you can either e-mail me at magicjewball@verizon.net or leave a comment which I will then not post (this way, we can keep the questions under wraps until the big day). Don’t worry, I won’t post your name no matter how crazy your question! No, no, I take that back, my mother would want me to tell you, there are no crazy questions, just crazy people. So get those burning questions in by, oh, 6pm Eastern on Tuesday.

OK, ready for the answer?

It’s this. Both songs have a sentence that completes after a beat to add a totally different meaning.

In Save It For Later:
Just hold my hand while I come
(pause)
To a decision on it.

Oooh, dirty….not. But even more cleverly, in Mascara:

It’s too bad you’re married
(pause)
To me.

Oh, Chino Moreno, you so crazy!

It was hard to choose, I’ll admit. You guys have been bored enough at work or home to visit The Jewball many many times and leave kind, funny, and virulently anti-Yankee comments. But really, it came down to this. One of my readers does her blog perusing on dial-up. I mean, visiting several times a day on a phone line? That, my friends, is dedication. And so, with much fondness and appreciation, the Reader of the Month for May is Steph318. Now, I’ve never met Steph and so I’ll have to take her word for it that this is actually her. The best part is, when I asked Steph to send in a photo where she wasn’t readily identifiable, she sent me this one:

That’s her behind the dogs. I think. But I wanted a picture of Steph normally, you know, as she’d appear on a weekday around the house.

There we go. Perfect.

But let me wax a little more lyrical. First off, according to an early comment, she visits my blog 42 brazillion times a day. I’m not really that good at math, but I know that’s a lot. Second, she uses a lot of exclamation points in her comments so I know either her shift/1 key is stuck or she really, really gets me. Lastly, she lives in my second favorite state, Maryland, which has the added bonus of ensuring she will never come claim her dinner, which, of course she’d have to pay for anyway.

But I think the thing I love most about Steph, after her adorableness (is that a word? don’t tell me if it isn’t), is that she leads a life entirely different than my own, in rural beauty, surrounded by God’s creatures. And by God’s creatures I don’t mean rats and homeless people. For example, the below:

Steph described this as “a sheep head in the doggie door.” Doggie door? Here we call that a burglar door

So here’s to you, Steph! Let’s have a mutton dinner the next time you’re up this way.

Now isn’t that cute sheep a lot more comforting than that Red Sox logo? I feel better already.

So I stupidly forgot to ask Miss May what song she’d like on her page but I picked this one on her behalf because it always makes me think of the country. It’s very evocative. Don’t be turned off because it’s Everclear; their early stuff was just brilliant. Then they decided to become their own tribute band. Their own lame tribute band. This, however, is from their first album, back when they both rocked and moved you.

Of course, Steph won’t be able to hear it since she’s on dial-up.
Everclear – Fire Maple Song