Magic Jewball

Yesterday I had lunch with my friend who works at CNN. Of course I was psyched because we work just blocks apart and yet have been doing the “we really should have lunch” thing for over a year. But I was also excited, being the mediawhore that I am, to see the CNN digs. You may remember my fond remarks about Pat Kiernan on NY1. Yep, CNN owns them too.

When I was in Atlanta some years ago I took the whole CNN tour. I got to see Sachi Koto reading the news right in front of me! And a couple of years ago I was just walking along, minding my own business in front of the Time Warner Center when lo and behold, there was Jeannie Moos doing a piece right there on the street. I have kind of a girl-crush on Jeannie Moos. She’s funnier than I’ll ever be. So I yelled out, “Jeannie Moos, you rock!” It was kind of spontaneous. She called me over and interviewed me for her piece which was about former President Clinton. I can’t be more specific than that because then you’ll find the video on their site and see me. Luckily, as you’d know if you read the first paragraph, I have a friend at CNN, so I was able to get a copy.

But back to yesterday. I forgot my camera but that’s OK. I have a feeling they wouldn’t have taken too kindly to me documenting the place pictorially on my blog. Hell, the security was comparable to getting on an El Al flight. I had to show a picture ID several times, they printed me out a badge, and gave me yet another badge to hand to the security guy not 10 feet away. I guess they’d heard about my fondness for Pat Kiernan. This is in stark contrast to my building, where a certain famous rapper once came and tried to off an executive with several heavy objects from said executive’s own office. And yet, anybody could get in here. They really know how to keep people from killing you at CNN. You have to admire that in a company.

And I know I’ve said before that the mall part of the center is plush, but man, they should film the Apprentice there or something. First off, there was CNN on in the elevator. If we played our music in the elevators here, well, I think the building would sue us. In the waiting area there was a bank of fancee screens playing various Time Warner channels. Fortunately for me, the sound was off on the one showing Becker on TBS.

Then there is their cafeteria. I mean, they have that fantastic Whole Foods in the basement and yet, they still have a gourmet caf with lots of tasty choices as well as a mind-blowing view of Central Park. Man, I wished I had my camera. Next time. Strangely, you are not allowed to use cash at the CNN cafeteria, I assume because Ted Turner never carries any. You have to load bucks onto a special card and use that. I guess with times as they are over there, they need the interest-free loan on your card balance.

One of the food areas is designated as the “International” food bar. The country of the day was “Meze.” Despite being graduates of good colleges, neither my friend nor I had any idea there was a country called Meze. Based on the sorts of food that was offered, we assumed it was an Arabic nation. Well, according to Wikipedia, it’s a cuisine, not a country, you fools!

“A Mezze (Turkish Meze), in eastern Mediterranean and Middle Eastern cuisine, is a selection of appetizers or small dishes taken with alcohol, similar to tapas of Spain.”

Sadly, there was no alcohol. Can you imagine if Anderson Cooper got wasted before his 360 show? I think not.

On a whole other topic, I have a hard time asking friends and family for money. This is one reason I don’t run “athons,” the other being that I’m lazyass and out of shape. But for me personally, I am extremely anal about money and have a strict budget. I was in debt for a long, long time (Who gives a credit card to a college student making $25 a week? Oh right, everyone.) and am enjoying my sixth year of other-than-mortgage, debt-free living. I have a certain amount set aside for charitable giving. So when friends run charity races, well, it diverts money from other causes I want to give to, like Doctors Without Borders (they really need a “Run For the Border”) or my high school, which desperately needs money. Because I like my friends and family, I end up giving a lot of money to disease research, which is what most of these runs are for. A worthy cause, no doubt, but not the only one.

But I recognize that not everyone is like this. Some people have ten bucks between the cushions of their couch and just need to hear that their friend is running five miles to motivate them to go digging for it. It is to these people that I address the following.

Some of the freaks, er, friends who are part of my online community are running the Susan G. Komen race for Breast Cancer research in Boston this year, as they did last year. Even if my Mom hadn’t had the last five years of her life ruined by this disease that ultimately killed her, I’d suggest you scrounge up that money and send it over to them. Why? Because many of them are Jewball readers, and, hey, my stalker stats would be empty without them. No, seriously, they are fantastic people who are using cancer research as an excuse to drink and party for an entire weekend. So if you have a few dollars lying around that you were going to buy a latte with today, why not send it over to some hot chicks running their asses off for a good cause? The website to give is here.

Speaking of asses, have you ever wanted a piece of Hot Blogger’s ass? That is, my BlogMentor, DuchessJane? Who wouldn’t! Now you can have it AND donate to this cause! So should you have a week’s worth of latte money and a desire to have your message advertised all over the city of Boston, please see this.

OK, time for the song of the day. Obviously, the post title is a tweak on a line from A Day in the Life but the Beatles don’t license their music to download services such as Napster. It’s OK, I’m sure you’ve got Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band in your collection. And since I couldn’t find a song about CNN, let’s go with “you’re like a disease without any cure.”

James – Laid

Shocking, isn’t it? But I post this in tribute to my anonymous designer who put together the logo you now see in the header. This excruciating gesture on my part, I hope, will adequately show my gratitude. It was my design but the execution was all his. This is not to say he isn’t good at design, however. Witness the below, which cracked me up completely every time I thought of it for several days.

 

 

Rock on, anonymous designer, rock on.

 

To follow up, I assume everyone knows that David Blaine did not break the world’s record for underwater breath-holding, a humanity changing feat of strength. Oh, my schadenfreude knows no bounds. I shut off my Law & Order Season 2 DVD long enough to watch the last 20 minutes of the show and I think the thing that amazed me the most was this. The camera panned to a boyish-looking dude in the crowd who the announcer informed us was the brother of David Blaine. He had graduated NYU the previous day, just steps away in, I presume, Alice Tully Hall. He looked concerned and chagrined. I naturally assumed his thoughts were these:

I can’t believe you do one stunt a year and you couldn’t even arrange it around my college graduation. I mean, it was right here, putz. Couldn’t you have rolled over, hamster-ball style, and seen me enter the real world?

But, such is the life of a world class pseudo-magician’s brother.

In other news, should you share my love of New Order, or if my Confusion video and incessant blather have piqued your interest, please do check out the article about them on Slate.com. It was such a pleasant surprise; it seemed apropos of absolutely nothing. They even highlighted my favorite moment of any New Order song, Bernard Sumner cracking up at his own ridiculous lyrics. If their snippet isn’t enough for you, check out the entire song below.

 

New Order – Every Little Counts

Remember my photo of Avery Fisher Hall? I don’t know who Avery Fisher was, but his Hall is part of Lincoln Center, a complex of arts buildings which is the home of such cultural delights as the Metropolitan Opera, the New York City Ballet, and the New York Philharmonic Orchestra. I have seen both an opera and a ballet there, mostly so I could tell people that I had. It used to be the gritty neighborhood where West Side Story was set and filmed. Then they tore down all those buildings and killed all the people so that we could enjoy Mostly Mozart. Something like that; I’m a little sketchy, it was all before I was born.

Anyway, I often pass it, either because it’s on my way home if I’m walking or because it’s near my own cultural touchstones, Tower Records and Gracious Home. This Friday, there was a bit of a scene. Here’s what it looked like.

That little marble-looking thing in the background? That’s David Blaine, the magician, showman, or whatever. He’s in a globe of water. Fun! I’m kind of shocked he picked the Upper West Side for this stunt, as we’re not exactly known as the place for huge touristy-type things. It’s mostly residential. But I guess Times Square was booked. And this area is the snootier part of the Upper West Side, too. As a matter of fact, while I was standing there, a large white limo pulled up, a fancy suit guy and slinky-haired blonde woman got out, and away they walked in the opposite direction. Sorry, David!

But there was actually a queue to stick a camera in David Blaine’s face and “touch” your hand to his. I didn’t even wait on line to meet Interpol at Tower Village so you can bet this wasn’t going to merit my time. Instead, I let my lens do the zoom-in.

I think this one’s my favorite, mostly because it seems like these particular guys were taking a break from a Fitty Cent video shoot when they decided to line up to see the The Man In The Bubble.

But I needed to get closer. I wanted to see all that pruney skin I had heard about.

How about this one? You just know this girl on the left is gazing at Bubble-Man’s muscles as he reaches out for her friend’s boob.

No, no, still not close enough. No other people, just the crazy guy.

There we go. His skin looks disappointingly smooth. What a shame.

Everyone always wants to know the same thing about David Blaine. How does he go to the bathroom in there? Yes, that’s the level of discourse these days. But because I love you, I did a little research and found out that he fasted for five days previous to this so that there would be no solid waste in the tank. Phew! Because if you’ve ever had a fish tank, you know that can get messy. Plus, you know, there would be fewer people lining up to get a look. Or more, which would be even more horrifying.

But the real question, at least to me, is why? What is the point of all this? I guess it’s to prove that a human can test his limits and go the distance. I like to see that proved via Olympic bobsledding, personally, but to each his own. Then I saw a commercial on ABC that there’s going to be a special about this. Now I get it. The purpose is actually to prove that a human can test his limits and go the distance by making the most money doing the stupidest thing possible! That clears everything up, thanks.

Was this song in your head while you were reading that first paragraph? If not, now it is!

Jet Song

Where our intrepid reporter gets thrown off her own street….

Well, I got home from work at about 7 on Friday and there were already cranes and lighting fixture trucks and trailers all over. And of course the all important catering table, under a smashing white canopy. Not on my block, but one up. (For the New Yorkers and Familar-With’s, I’m between West End and Broadway, this was between Broadway and Amsterdam.) I grabbed my camera but my pictures would have been of…. cranes and lighting fixture trucks and trailers. Exciting, right? I could have gotten some crew people laying down a dolly track but that would have been about as entertaining as a shot of the un-recycled newspapers on my living room floor.

So I gave up on that and went to the evening service at my synagogue. The production people seemed to have parked their trailers in the exact route I usually take and they were in descending order of importance. By the time I reached the actual singles scene, er, synagogue, we were up to a trailer labeled “maitre d’.” That’s just sad, really.

On the way home, when I told my friend I was going to walk back through the shooting location, and not go around it, he was incredulous. Why would anyone intentionally go through there? Are we not nonchalant New Yorkers who avoid that kind of thing? Right, right, but I have a blog now. Besides, it was the Sabbath and I couldn’t use a camera so I’d look like I just momentarily stopped to wrinkle my forehead and wonder what was going on.

I was sure everything would be finished by then but really, the second I turned onto my street, I saw Hugh Grant in a big hulking olive L.L. Bean type jacket leaning on a car. Hey! Look at that. I joined a crowd of gawkers who, had they not been wearing dark clothing and chic haircuts, could have been on a “Star Maps” tour of Hollywood. “Look,” they told me, “you can just see Drew Barrymore there… there!” I looked, she was there, looking cute and peppy, just like you’re imagining her right this second.

It was kind of a bizarre scene of semi-interested neighbors, the previously mentioned starstruck, and my fellow Orthodox walking through with tinfoil covered dishes on their way to Sabbath meals. One of the crew guys was eating Passover cake, that neon three-level rainbow kind. Lots of the crew people were drinking take-out coffee in cardboard cups but Hugh had an enormous coffee cup. The real, china kind. My, aren’t we important!

OK, so I imagined the shoot would start within minutes. Yeah, that was an incorrect assumption. While I waited, there was this guy on the crew who kept walking back and forth and berating us hall-monitor style. He kind of looked like a skinnier version of Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters but had the intonation of David Spade. His impotence was pretty hysterical. He’d say things like, “I’ve warned you not to use flash photography, now I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Then he’d immediately walk away. Uh, you’re going to have to stick around if you want to make that happen, big guy. Needless to say, nobody moved.

Finally, a woman with more balls shifted us all down the street, just on the other side of a yellow crane. I guess she wasn’t really informed much about the production because within minutes another guy came along and said, “You’re all right in the shot! What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help myself. I said, “I live here.” That didn’t score me any points. We were moved a few more feet towards the corner and promptly told that the entire intersection was part of the shot. Could we keep moving, maybe to the West Side Highway or Jersey or Kansas?

Listen, slick, do you have any idea how much I pay to live here? It’d blow your socks off and right into the shot. But, hell, that’s it, I’m totally willing to be treated like a recalcitrant child but not on my own freaking street. I went home and ate dinner. On the way to my apartment I saw that they did have some extras all lined up and waiting for the filming to start. Ha! I’ll be having chicken soup while you stand & chill, fools.

To answer your question, yes I will be seeing this movie when it comes out.

It’s over! Did you guess the first thing I would eat after the holiday ended? If you guessed pizza or sushi or Krispy Kreme, you were close. I did crave each of those things at some point over the last eight days. But in the final moments, oh boy, I had to have them, a big-ass bowl of Cocoa Puffs. My God, that was good. I’d describe it for you a little more but my language would border on the pornographic and this is a family blog.

But onwards.

Today, on the way to synagogue, all up and down my block I saw this sign:
Click to enlarge, but f you can’t read the bitty print, it says they are shooting a movie on my block tomorrow. I’ve never heard of it but it’s called Music & Lyrics By… and apparently has Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant in it. Judging by previous film shoots on my block, there will be no stars in sight and no chances for “These pretzels are making me thirsty” type extra roles. I once got up at 5am to watch them film a scene from Law & Order. Despite everyone having dutifully moved their cars and the sudden proliferation of those production trailers, there was no shooting to be found. Lesson learned.

Besides which, they don’t actually give off from work when movies or TV shows are filming in your neighborhood; they’re just insensitive like that. Not to mention, you’d rarely have anyone actually in the office were that the case. But what I love about this sign is that they helpfully tell you where exactly they will be dragging off your car to should you actually want to park on your own block. This is one of the 1,001 reasons I am pleased to not own a car.

(As a “You live like this, we live like that” aside, cars are a real liability here what with the lack of parking, strange parking rules, high-priced tickets, traffic, insurance that costs as much as the car, etc. Plus everything you could ever need is on your corner and if not, public transportation will take you anyplace you want to go faster than a car would. So most people don’t have cars.)

Anyway, I’ll see if there’s anything to photograph or film tomorrow, like if Drew & Hugh are snogging in front of my building or something, but don’t hold your breath.

By the way, another homeless man accosted me as I took the above picture. This one said, “Do you need some more light?” Well, what have you got, spotlight in your pocket? Giant lamp in the shopping bag along with a generator? No, I don’t need any light, thanks. But this got me thinking about yet another theory on why homeless people wait till I bring out the camera before approaching me. I’ve stopped! See, most people in this city are moving and moving very fast. It’s easier to shoot deer when they stop at the salt lick, you know? And no one here is standing still unless they’re smoking in front of their office building. But I only had enough money for the Cocoa Puffs. The downtrodden will just have to wait. Maybe Drew’ll be more generous.