Magic Jewball

all signs point to no


From the depths I called to you

Filed under : Etc.
On December 2, 2010
At 11:46 pm
Comments : 18

It’s never good to be told bad news… there’s never a good time. I remember when my mother called to tell me my aunt had breast cancer. It was my first month on the job at my second label and I was close to no one and worked in a cubicle. But I found the person that in my limited time I liked the best, went into her office, and said that I had just found out my aunt had cancer and could I just hide in there for a few minutes. Of course she said yes. Then I started to sob.

When my mother called me to tell me she had breast cancer, I was sitting in my new office at my third and last label, full of cocky confidence, and told her a long story about a bad date before proceeding to weigh the pros and cons of saying yes to a second date. After all that, I finally asked, “oh yes, what were you calling about?” I’ll go to my grave wishing I had just asked that question first. You can say it doesn’t matter but somehow it still does and always will.

When my father called me today to tell me that the third of the three sisters has breast cancer, he had to leave a bland “call me back” message because I was busy helping teach a 4th grade technology class. I have no office there and I went outside to call him back afterwards. There, in front of a giant picture window of high school students sitting around a library table, I stood on a lovely downtown side street, hearing the news and forced to not show any emotion at all. Then I had to get on the train to go man a table and greet people at a technology fair for three hours. You can be sure that even if this blog goes into the ether with its written record of events, I will always remember that moment and this day and what it felt like.

Sometimes when I see a particular look in a face on the subway, I wonder if that person was told bad news and has nowhere to go to cry. Then it all bunches in their face and it’s just as naked but without the release. But it was the wrong time and the wrong place and even if it wasn’t, it will always feel as if it were.

Title is from Psalm 130, traditionally said by Jews in times of distress to ask for God’s help.


18 Comments for this post

  1. beth says:

    I’m so sorry, Becca. Hugs.

  2. Lisa aka Nutz says:

    Oh Becca – I’m so sorry.

  3. I’m so sorry. My thoughts to you and your family and the hopes that the coming battle is successful.

  4. Melanie says:

    Oh, Becca. I am so sorry. It must seem so unfair. I’m thinking of you and hoping for the best.

  5. tami says:

    I’m a mother you know. Somehow, I can’t really put them here. Just know that if you “put your hope in the LORD, because with the LORD there is mercy” He will buoy you up. He loves you and knows who you are. He knows your heart, mind, and soul. He will give you what you need and what you plead for. His blessings of comfort are extended to all who ask. People can give us a lot of comfort but He knows your heart. Ask. He will help you through all your trials if you put your trust in Him.

    You have MY love and support Becca. Anything. Just ask. Much love.

  6. tami says:

    The “them” I referred to were “words”. Sorry, my heart was going a hundred miles an hour for you and missed an entire sentence.

  7. Becca says:

    Thank you all so much for the good thoughts and wishes. It truly means a lot to me during a really hard time.

    Tami, thank you for that. I believe He is with me at all times, and that’s comforting, it really is. I believe in Him and I believe in you, too. Maybe not in the exact same way, but you both give me strength and are always there.

    Thanks again, everyone.

  8. Becca, I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  9. sarpon says:

    My heart goes out to you. You’re right, we try to contain our tragedies until we are in the right place or time to allow ourselves to feel, and we are also normally unaware of the pain of those around us. Remember that we are here for anything you need from us.

  10. Cathy says:

    Oh, Becca, I’m so sorry. I know what that whole surreal black and white movie feeling is like. There are no words, but just know that you have friends everywhere who hold you in their thoughts & prayers.

  11. Alex says:

    I have delayed commenting because I cannot come up with anything better to say than, “Oh, my, that just sucks. I’m so sorry to hear it.”

    But I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s better to say than than not.

  12. Becca says:

    Thanks so much, guys. I hesitated to put this out there but I’m glad I did, especially now.

    And there is never the perfect thing to say. Merely saying something is good.

  13. Elena says:

    Becca, I’m so sorry about your aunt. Your last paragraph about seeing faces on the subway that look like they just got bad news made me want to cry too. Sometimes life just stinks, but it’s better than the alternative.

  14. PaytonC says:

    Becca – My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. May G-d grant your aunt refuat ha-nefesh u’refuat ha-guf.

  15. Becca says:

    Elena, 95% of the time I think life is great but it’s that other 5% that just kills you.

    Thank you for the prayers, Payton.

  16. Pam says:

    Becca, I’m so sorry to hear about your Aunt. And listen to Tami, I’m not sure what she’s saying but I know she’s smart.

  17. Alfa says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, Becca.

    If you ever need an office to cry in, I’m here for you.

  18. Becca says:

    Thanks for the good thoughts (and offices), and Tami is smart.

    And thank you to all who wrote me privately as well.

Comments are closed.