Magic Jewball

I know you have been wondering, perhaps it has even been plaguing you, what were the top search terms of the year 2007? And what’s become of “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions?” Am I out of snappy answers? Most people I know in the real world will assure you that that will happen when I’m dead. And maybe not even then. After all, my blog will live on!

Luckily, there were many searches in the last few months since I last did this and for every one of them I have one or more snappy answers. Ready? Let’s begin.

dreidel colors mean?

Nothing! They’re just fun.

She’s not a girl who listens much

What?

orthodox jew deodorant

This is such a common search question that I’m going to answer it seriously. Yes, they use deodorant! On the sabbath, one is not supposed to “spread things” on one’s body. Many religious people will thus use spray. Shebus.

prune rugelach recipe

Having trouble in the bathroom department? Like cookies?

song r.e.m. orange crush by paul hardcastle

Perhaps you are confused. If you know the song is by REM, how can it also be by Paul Hardcastle. Does he do a remake? Isn’t one song about Vietnam enough?

get off the computer

Don’t tell me what to do through your crazy searches!

i was tempted to steal

Well, I’m glad you worked through it. I only wish the people hotlinking to my site right now were as conscientious.

goyish things

Crosses? Christmas trees? White bread?

can you sell swipe on your pay per ride metrocard

No! No! Stop that! On the other hand, my post on that topic led to an e-mail from a NY1 reporter (the cute guy, Bobby Cuza) so it’s all good.

where can a frum girl have a good time in manhattan

Shul?

what does a fake scallops look like?

Like real scallops, only faker.

do i have to give gifts to my subordinates?

Only if you want a year of decent work from your employees. Otherwise, go ahead and be an asstrout.

what are some good clean music for 9 year olds

That’s a tough one. Maybe Mozart.

lush soap overpriced don’t last long

You summed that up so well that I have nothing to add.

how could fruity pebbles be better tasting?

They couldn’t! ~sigh~

how can we get there parthenon

I can give you directions! First, go to Athens. Then, look for a really big hill.

buy ky jelly duane reade

Well, don’t let me stop you. Have fun!

can i have sex on the sabbath

I don’t know, can you? Try Viagra if you’re having trouble. My spam tells me it’s 100% effective.

target in riverdale how to get by subway

Take the #1 to 225th Street. Cross the street. You can’t miss it!

I know that wasn’t humorous, but people looking for Target deserve serious answers.

wanted to kill duane reade cashier

That shouldn’t really even be a crime.

how can i know who lives in a co-op building

You can’t! That’s why we love living there.

muse histrionic

I prefer “emphatic.”

what judiasm means to me

Someone needs to do his Hebrew School essay without Googling. Learning to spell Judaism would also be helpful.

weekend off from work because of judaism

Listen, you should just believe your employee when he tells you this. Why are you making him work on the weekend anyway?

fucking hotel housekeepers

Is this an activity or an expression of anger? I’ll need to know before I can answer.

torah out of graham crackers

I wasn’t aware that it ever had any. Maybe those were the kind of cakes Sarah was making for the angels who visited. But probably not.

oh it was beautiful and magic

Could you be looking for Supertramp’s Logical Song? Thanks, I used to work in a record store.

odd behavior by famous people

Who am I, Perez Hilton?

how to watch oprah in new york city

We do it the same way everyone else does. Just turn on your TV. Between channels 7 and 55 it’s on pretty much all day.

actually

I do use this word way too much. But actually, I usually really need it.

using a stolen gift card at circuit city

I hope you weren’t that “tempted to steal” guy. I had such high hopes for you.

And now, for the Top 5 searches of last year:

1. roger federer/mardy fish/david nalbandian jewish
2. bjork ipod song
3. dave gahan jewish
4. paul banks
5. boy george

Word to the wise: none of these people are known to be Jewish! You’re welcome!

Supertramp – The Logical Song