Magic Jewball

Dear NY1,

Hey! How are you? Remember me? I’m the one who watches you faithfully because you focus on the minutiae of NY life. You talk about Christine Quinn when the other channels are having cooking segments. So naturally I turned to you this morning after being woken up at 6:45 am by a crack of thunder so loud I thought a tree had fallen from the roof through several floors and apartments above mine. I mean, well, first I went back to sleep because I don’t get up before eight, but you know, later. Due to the fact that there was three inches of rain, I was pretty sure our lame-ass transit system would have some issues, and by issues I figured nothing running. I sort of assumed that this would be the most important story in New York this morning and you’d have a list of what was running and where.

Gosh, how stupid of me! Footage of downed trees in Bay Ridge matter to as wide a swath of New Yorkers as subway issues, right? I realize that a tornado hitting Brooklyn is big news, but couldn’t that have been the second story? Couldn’t the first one be “your lifeline – not running?” Sure, we’re all satisfied with a message like “Paul Fleuranges says to stay home for a while.” That’s enough detail for me! And later, hearing Pat Kiernan say, “I keep refreshing the MTA website but it says it’s down,” well, of course I understand. Isn’t that how reporters get their news? I mean, when I turned to Channel 5 and they had an MTA spokesman on the phone talking about which lines had service changes, well, come on, they could have been refreshing the MTA website! What were they thinking?

So when I set out for the IRT and found the #1 running sporadically (when I asked the MTA lady at the station if it was running, she said, “yes, but they’re hot and crowded,” I thought, “so how is today different?”) of course I knew that because you had told me to stay home and that trees were down in Bay Ridge.

Oh, and the conductor who said there was a train directly behind the one I couldn’t get on while sweat poured down my entire body, whereas in fact another one didn’t show for 30 minutes? I know that one wasn’t your fault but I choose to blame you anyway.

You fail as bad as the MTA, NY1. The difference is, I never had any faith in them in the first place.

Sincerely,
New fan of Channel 5

This is what my commute looked like once I got on the train. Apparently, other people’s too. This is from the NY Times, Storms Snarl New York Commute.

Better late than never! I know, you’ll be the judge of that. But here we are, the usual effort on my part to answer the questions of the world’s searchers who come to this site.

paul banks drugs

No! I’m shocked!

jew tv

Isn’t this unfair? Everyone seems to have their own channel but us. And they say we control the media!

really snappy answers to stupid questions

Um, this.

famous people who lost someone dear

It does seem terribly unjust but even the rich and famous cannot buy immortality for their relatives. So I would have to say, all of them.

lyrics to the food emporium theme

Someone built a store just for me
Food Emporium, Food Emporium
Prices to make you faint, we guarantee
Food Emporium, Food Emporium…

the godfather the five families

Let me see…. Corleone, Tattaglia, Barzini and…. Ragu? Prego? Newman’s Own?

cream puffs suck

Loser!

jew buy german mini cooper car

The Mini Cooper is British. Are you thinking of Volkswagen? See here.

locked out apartment how much locksmith charge

A lot, brother, a lot.

real stupid questions about americans

Wow, that’s a tough one. How come they only eat McDonald’s? Why are they all religious freaknuts? Do they enjoy being fat? Must they wear those stupid fanny packs while traveling? Did they really elect that guy?

my neighbors may have a prostitution ring

Mine too! Oh wait, that’s how you found me. That whole Google thing. Right. Carry on.

whole foods bakery department manager salary

I believe they pay them in scones and two-bite brownies.

becca save me

I’m trying!

skim latte in hebrew

Golly, I have no idea; they didn’t teach that in yeshiva. Can this wait till I go to Israel next month?

bar mitzvah good deed theme

That’s an excellent theme. Kudos or, as we say, mazal tov.

kevin youkilis star of david

No, silly, he’s a star of the Red Sox.

famous people who get into trouble with the law

Try here:
The Smoking Gun

reasons why you would love a person more

They could like cream puffs.

what kind of underwear does rafael nadal wear?

The kind that constantly have to be picked out of your ass.

nude women

I could not possibly be near the top of the list when you Google this. No freaking way.

conservadox mean

It means you’re somewhere between the Conservative and Orthodox branches of Judaism. I wrote a whole post about why I changed my sidebar description to that but it remains unpublished. It wasn’t funny enough. I have standards, I tell you!

ca plane pour moi translation

Wooo-ooo-oooo-ooo, you are the king of the Devon…. Yeah, I only know the English parts.

hebrew labriut

Bless you! No really, it’s what you say when someone sneezes. Although it actually means “to your health.” I mean we’re religious, but only idiots think your soul is coming out your nose, thus requiring the aid of the Lord.

make me pregnant magic

Erm, that’s not magic, my friend. I mean, it could be, I guess, depending on your experience.

federer jewish?

question stupid?

heinrich maneuver lyric meaning interpol

Did you not read the very first item on this list? No, of course you didn’t, I hadn’t written it yet. Anyway, Paul Banks is on drugs and none of his songs have any meaning at all. How are things on the West Coast…. of pretentious, meaningless lyrics.

And our “No one explained to me how Google works” award goes to:
grocery chain store-if there is any website like this plese show me

Top 5 searches after “is Famous Person X Jewish?”
1. oprah six years to live (damn you, Alex!)
2. interpol ticketmaster password
3. simpsons porn
4. jeremy blake
5. laurent delahousse

Sorry, only 30 seconds. No wonder you can’t figure out what it means.
Interpol – The Heinrich Maneuver