Magic Jewball

Hey, Kids! While Becca stays up all night long and eats dairy, I’m going to be entertaining you for a bit. You’re excited, right? RIGHT?

This is just like when your teenage cousin came to baby-sit. You hated her, she was a total self-centered wench, but you had to put up with it because mom and dad just need a break from you, for crying out loud. SOME PEACE AND QUIET, BECAUSE YOU MAKE MOMMY WANT TO DRINK. And your cousin, maybe she didn’t really pay attention to you? She just watched reruns of Degrassi Junior High and gabbed with her friends on the phone. And maybe your brother was really being annoying that day, like he bit the head off of your Barbie or something, but she didn’t really care? She was just painting her nails on the sofa with Wet N Wild and eating Ding-Dongs. You know, the Ding-Dongs your mother packed in your lunch so carefully next to the peanut butter and jelly and Cheetos? And it made you so mad you could scream?

That’s me! I’m Culotte Folle, but you may call me Culotte. Becca asked me to post while she is observing the Shavuot because I’m Almost Jewish. Let me tell you why!

Here’s the deal: my husband is a Jew. Sort of. His mother is Jewish. She makes the best latkes EVER, and ironically sends us candy on Easter. For this, and her excellent culinary skills, I love her. (Hi, Elaine!) I even got to light the menorah candles one year!

The best part about being Almost Jewish is that I’ve had the opportunity to sit Seder not once, but twice. The reason that you should be jealous is because Seder is awesome. Besides the obvious good eats (you haven’t tasted heaven until you’ve had a little fruit and nut jam on a matzo cracker), my Seder host usually invites about 30 people who have never met before and uses little finger puppets to depict the plagues. On a really serious note, it’s a great way to meet new people and share in the spirit of a moving holiday. Don’t tell anyone I said that.

I do have to admit that I’m honored to be included in these traditions. Even more honored that I am Becca’s Jewish Holiday Guest Blogger, even though I really wanted to be Reader of the Month. For that reason, please find the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” as my song choice.

But, let’s all tell Becca how much we miss her and that you’ll never ever be bad again, because you hate it when Mommy drinks.

 

The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want

 

 

[Ed. Note: Thanks for the fine post, Culotte! She even used a line from a song as her title. Wasn’t that cool of her? Sadly, Napster would only give 30 seconds of her song. Boo! Hiss! Anyhoo, I’m eating blintzes right now but I did want you to know that amongst traditional Jews, Culotte’s husband would indeed be considered Jewish as we go with either matrilineal descent or conversion. Culotte’s still a shikse, though, but what’re you gonna do.]