Magic Jewball

Due to holidays beyond my control, the blog will be taking a hiatus until Sunday. Unless I get a burst of creativity (i.e. something happens that I need to rant about) in which case I might post something short tomorrow.

But let me take a moment to explain the intricacies of Jewish holiday-making. There are three central activities:

1. Eating
2. Praying
3. Sleeping

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is in tandem with the reasons behind any particular Jewish holiday:

1. They tried to kill us.
2. We won!
3. Let’s eat.

Some may think Passover is a little like Atkins, what with the lack of bread and all, but this is a misconception. For complicated reasons that would put you to sleep, crushed matzah in various textures is used to replace all starches other than potatoes. You’ve got your matzah bits (farfel), pulverized matzah (mel), and cardboard masquerading as food (shmurah). Yes, there are an infinite variety of matzah by-products, none of which taste like anything but matzah no matter what sauce or spice is involved. This morning at the grocery store I saw “Organic Spelt Matzah.” Raise your hand if you think that’s going to taste any better.

It does seem cruel to have a holiday all about eating while simultaneously subtracting half the things you can eat, but hell, since life was so easy for the Jews already, why not? No, we Jews don’t do anything half-assed and so I’ve spent the last week or so cleaning every nook and cranny of my apartment to make sure no Entenmann’s crumb remains. Just as an aside, Passover’s a lot more demanding for people who eat in bed, not that I’d, uh, know anything about that.

But at any rate, no one knows how to turn a celebration of freedom into weeks of hard work like we do, so please feel free to have a beer and think of us. Because we can’t have beer this week. Par-tay!