Magic Jewball

As promised, here’s my special “written in advance” post. I know I said that I didn’t really know what to write on 9/11 but I did just want to comment a little about this fascinating PBS special. I am one of those freak documentary lovers who doesn’t shy away from using the words “fascinating” and “PBS” in the same sentence. And especially when I’m about to jet off to Europe in less than two weeks (with absolutely no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing, God help me) I thought this’d be a fun topic.

Hey, remember this? It felt good to be loved. America loved New York, Europe loved America, kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya.

Well, according to this program, it isn’t really like this anymore. Who knew? It was called “The Anti-Americans (a love/hate relationship)” and canvassed the people of three representative European nations to see how they think of us these days. I imagine you just have no idea how it went. Let’s see!

Here’s a lady in France. She’s OK with New York.

Not so much on the rest of the US. Wow, it’s exciting to hear that there’s no racism in New York… or France!

Here’s a drawing a French child did when asked what came to mind when he thought of the US. He was wearing a Gap sweatshirt.

Moving right along! How was your trip to the States, nice Polish woman?

(as an aside, aren’t most people in Chicago Polish?)

This didn’t get a subtitle, because we’re in England now, and we’re supposed to be able to understand. This is a sophisticated dinner party where the gentleman on the right bemoans Americans’ self-involvement and his quote as to our imagined headline is, “International news: American man run over in Frankfurt.” Great peals of laughter from all the other guests follow.

But I don’t want to leave you with the impression that no one likes us. In fact, the Poles all seemed to like us a lot, no matter how fat we are, and the thing the program would have us believe concerns the Poles the most about Americans is that we require them to have a visa to enter the US. I am going to transcribe the text to the following video, but I highly encourage you to watch it because this guy is a natural-born comedian and the way he phrases everything was worth the price of admission. Which is nothing, because I forgot to contribute to the PBS pledge drive this year.

Those French dicks, that hate you, they go to America whenever they please. They don’t have to show no visa, they don’t have to pay for the visa, they just show their French passport - that hates you, the passport hates you! - and they enter. And they can stay 90 days, 60 days. I have to apply for the visa. I have to queue. I have to pay like hundred dollars. To get it, or to lose my hundred dollars, because some red tape and they tell me no. So French don’t fight with you in Iraq, they don’t give you their hearts, but they get the visas, free access to America. We give you everything (sniffs) and we not getting anything in return. We like a woman who you beat.

Hey, I’d sponsor this guy. He needs a place on TV, if only for that shirt. But it did make me wish I was vacationing in Poland. I’m sure it’s just as pretty as Greece. Right? Right? But here’s the truth, Zybigniew. You’re going about this all wrong. See, the more you hate us, the more we like and admire you and want to be your friend. We like a puppy who you beat.

Razorlight - America

Dear NY1,

Hey! How are you? Remember me? I’m the one who watches you faithfully because you focus on the minutiae of NY life. You talk about Christine Quinn when the other channels are having cooking segments. So naturally I turned to you this morning after being woken up at 6:45 am by a crack of thunder so loud I thought a tree had fallen from the roof through several floors and apartments above mine. I mean, well, first I went back to sleep because I don’t get up before eight, but you know, later. Due to the fact that there was three inches of rain, I was pretty sure our lame-ass transit system would have some issues, and by issues I figured nothing running. I sort of assumed that this would be the most important story in New York this morning and you’d have a list of what was running and where.

Gosh, how stupid of me! Footage of downed trees in Bay Ridge matter to as wide a swath of New Yorkers as subway issues, right? I realize that a tornado hitting Brooklyn is big news, but couldn’t that have been the second story? Couldn’t the first one be “your lifeline - not running?” Sure, we’re all satisfied with a message like “Paul Fleuranges says to stay home for a while.” That’s enough detail for me! And later, hearing Pat Kiernan say, “I keep refreshing the MTA website but it says it’s down,” well, of course I understand. Isn’t that how reporters get their news? I mean, when I turned to Channel 5 and they had an MTA spokesman on the phone talking about which lines had service changes, well, come on, they could have been refreshing the MTA website! What were they thinking?

So when I set out for the IRT and found the #1 running sporadically (when I asked the MTA lady at the station if it was running, she said, “yes, but they’re hot and crowded,” I thought, “so how is today different?”) of course I knew that because you had told me to stay home and that trees were down in Bay Ridge.

Oh, and the conductor who said there was a train directly behind the one I couldn’t get on while sweat poured down my entire body, whereas in fact another one didn’t show for 30 minutes? I know that one wasn’t your fault but I choose to blame you anyway.

You fail as bad as the MTA, NY1. The difference is, I never had any faith in them in the first place.

Sincerely,
New fan of Channel 5

This is what my commute looked like once I got on the train. Apparently, other people’s too. This is from the NY Times, Storms Snarl New York Commute.

But I’m not seeing it! Oh the humanity! I just have a full weekend already. But maybe that’s good. The theaters will probably be chock-full of crazy Simpsons fans. Like me. Ew, I hate those people. Maybe next week. Anyway, only five people will get the joke in this cartoon but I gotta put it up there so that those five people will laugh and laugh like me. Explanation that will kill the whole joke for the rest of you below.

See, cholent is this Jewish stew that is often served on the sabbath because you can’t cook and cholent starts cooking before the sabbath (it can go for like 18 hours without being ruined, don’t ask me how I know). My mother had a big orange Le Creuset dutch oven that was always used but nowadays people mostly use crockpots. And kiddush is the little refreshment part after the service on Saturdays where you hang out for a bit to pick up chicks chat with your friends and neighbors. I know this will shock everyone but with a multitude of synagogues to choose from, some people will actually pick their place of worship based on who has the tastiest kiddush. So, synagogues try to outdo each other making their spreads as superior as possible. The crème de la crème (well, no crème is involved) is the hot cholent kiddush. Because let’s face it, if you’ve got two places in walking distance and one is serving stale Entenmann’s slices and the other one’s got a hot beef stew, I mean, come on. Potato and noodle kugels are usually involved too. Mmmm, kugellll……

Actually, a few weeks ago, I went to my cousin’s synagogue (her husband reads Torah there so she pretty much has to go to that one) and something went wrong and the cholent was cold. She begged me to come back saying, “this is the first time! it’s always hot! pleeeease?????” They really need a sign out front, that’s all I’m saying.

I told you my explanation would kill the joke. This cartoon actually came from bangitout, a site that annoys me to no end, so much so that I’m not going to even link to them here. Instead I’m going to give the hat tip to Brother2 who sent it to me and has a cholent recipe so good that it’s been published in a cookbook.

Danny Elfman, Sally & Susan Stevens - The Simpsons Theme

I seem to have a lot of new readers who don’t perhaps know one of the recurring characters of this blog, my fabulous cousin, Pious B. Pi lives just a few blocks from me and also works in the music biz. It’s a family affair! Anyhoo, the other day, Pi came over to hoot and holler with me (I was drinking, what?) over the Flavor of Love spin-off, I Love New York, in which New York (or Tiffany, as her mother calls her) chooses amongst a group of the lamest group of “men” you could find. It’s impossible to really root for any of them, except that she’s no prize specimen herself. It’s natural selection at it’s finest.

But without the commercials the show is only about 40 minutes and so, as we began to wonder if it was really that awful out there, we naturally headed right for a major dating site to have a look-see. Our conclusion: it is! Now, I’m sure the ladies on “Unnamed Dating Site” are just as bad but we didn’t really go there. Along the way, however, we realized that it wasn’t only the field, but terrible, terrible marketing. So, for everyone out there attempting online dating, here’s some advice and observations. It works for women too!

1. Don’t begin your profile with “LOL.”
2. Don’t begin your profile with “Hallo, Lady Stranger.”
3. I know it’s hard to talk about yourself but must every other profile start with “My friends say I’m….?” Bonus goes to the guy who said, “My colleagues say I’m…..” What, no friends?
4. Don’t put a picture of yourself with your hot ex. Yes, it’s really delightful to see you could attain such a high standard. Bravo!
5. If you’re going to cut your ex out of the picture, try not to leave her arm in there. Or her wedding bouquet.
6. If the main thrust of your profile is how intelligent you are, spelling “intelligent” correctly would be a good start.
7. It’s hard to believe you are serious about meeting someone when your shot is a webcam view of the side of your head. Or up your nose. Or a candid of you on a polo pony, taken from above (I’m not kidding here).
8. If you are a man seeking a woman, try not to use a woman’s name as your screen name. Especially one that means “pretty” in another language.
9. Looking for someone “beautiful inside and out” means no fatties. On the inside.
10. Isn’t it amazing how many people both work AND play hard?

I know, ten is a lot. Let’s sum up in three.
1. Good photo
2. Spellcheck
3. Eh, fuck the profile, just do #1.

Later this week in “The Adventures of Me & Pious B,” Pi and I go see Music & Lyrics which, not having been nominated for any Oscars, ought to be blissfully empty.

Just because.

KLF - 3 A.M. Eternal

I have finally solved one of the mysteries on Lost. No, I have no idea what the whole meaning of the tattoo was or whose side Juliet is really on (I’m sure I’m not ruining anything for anyone who hasn’t seen it; how could I? I never have any idea about what’s going on). No, this is something much bigger and better! I discovered whatever happened to Diana Scarwid after Mommie Dearest! Because, uh, I seem to have missed these cinematic treasures:

• The Neon Bible
• Before He Wakes
• The Angel of Pennsylvania Avenue
• Psycho III
• After the Promise
• Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain

And so forth. Yes, I see she was also on Prison Break recently, as well as Law & Order, but who wasn’t on L&O? I think I’ve been on that show. But it’s good to see in any case that she’s kept her twitchy acting style and her “I am not one of your FANS” dramatic flair.

You have got to be one of The Others.

Delerium - Lost and Found