Magic Jewball

Gosh, it’s been a long time since I talked about my stats. It’s really time for “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions” but I’ll probably get to that over the weekend because I’m actually planning/cooking a real dinner for Pious B tomorrow night. I have a new cookbook and a will to learn to cook versus what I usually do which is:

a. read directions
b. follow directions exactly
c. mix things together
d. stick in oven or on range

But luckily, Alice Waters has this new “simple foods” cookbook which I am hoping is for simple people, i.e. me, and thus will get me into a new mode where I:

a. read directions but
b. instinctively throw things together
c. taste until it’s what I like
d. heat with an actual technique

This year I have taken on French and running and I say, why can’t I be mediocre yet enthusiastic about this too? I can! Look out, Pi.

Anyway, I did have a topic here, yes. The stats. As I’ve noted before, I often find out something is going on in the world of tennis by how the searches are going in my stats. In case you couldn’t remember how obsessed I am with my stats, I received the following e-card today from my friend, Becky, who knows me all too well.

Indeed.

Today, as you can see at left, my stats were full of searches for pictures of Martina Hingis who isn’t usually even in my top 10, probably because no one is wondering if she’s Jewish. So I did my own search and it turns out she tested positive for cocaine and has decided to retire. Again. Well, I don’t know if the coke is a repeat but the retirement is. You can insert your own “she blew it” joke here. WTG, Martina! I knew I could count on you.

This could be the most disappointing sports month ever. David Nalbandian is playing Roger Federer in Paris today but I couldn’t even bring myself to update his page because I feel like I am cursed by the sports gods. I’m sure there’s a card for that somewhere.

ETA: Hey! Nalby won. Oh me of little faith. I suppose I should update the page.

Eric Clapton - Cocaine

Maybe it was a will to remain ignorant that kept me from updating Where in the World is David Nalbandian?. Because I know what the answer is: who cares, because wherever it is, he’ll be out really quickly. And lo and behold, when I skimmed down the list of sports stories in the online edition of today’s Times and caught Nalby’s name, I knew it couldn’t be good.

These two sentences encompass all of the NY Times’ tennis reporting for the day.

Igor Kunitsyn? Even I don’t know who the hell that is. Things are looking pretty grim. Nalbandian will never catch the Red Sox now.

The Wrens - Hopeless

As an update to my earlier mention of Johns Hopkins making it to the lacrosse final, I just wanted to make sure everyone was definitively informed that they are now the champions! And it made it to the front of NYTimes.com! Yes, I know that it’s only because it ruined the comeback of the non-rapists at Duke, but, y’know, I’ll take what I can get. Especially after two days of French Open rainouts. (aside to the new president, please look into the whole weather situation, TIA!)

If you haven’t seen Coming to America lately, the title of this post is indeed stolen from one of its many genius scenes, and it does seem to suit the picture exceptionally well.

(click to enlarge)

Edited to add: In other update news, congratulations to the person at the University of Paris who was the first person to reach my 404/Error page in the natural way. Special mention goes to google.fr which sent you there. I dedicate “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” to both of you.

It’s 4 in the morning and you all know what that means: posting in the middle of the night! Who needs quality, I’m awake so let’s go for it. Hey, how often do you get to hear that?

Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve talked sports but there’s a convergence of fun events so here we go.

Baseball season is here! I think it’s finally time to cancel my Netflix subscription as I’ve had the same DVD since February and now with the six game a week schedule I can see I’ll never get to it. Fortunately, I’m 30 yards from a Blockbuster. Anyway, Andy Pettitte is back! And he blew chunks! I’m going to give him more time, though. Cory Lidle, however, is still dead.

Hockey playoff season is coming! And the Rangers made the playoffs! I know, only like two teams don’t make the playoffs but one of them, until a really short time ago, was going to be the Rangers. But they clinched last night (I guess it’s officially last night now) and I’m just thrilled. Definitely must cancel Netflix.

Davis Cup tennis is back! Again! I seriously can’t get the schedule of this thing but I think it’s this weekend and you know what that means: I found David Nalbandian! But even more exciting, should this be your home team, is that Israel is actually in it (they’re playing Italy - lucky Italy). I know, they have less chance of going all the way than Cory Lidle does of pitching but I’m proud anyway. Kadima!

Team Argentina: That’s David, just to the left of the Incredible Hulk.

Here’s the only picture the Davis Cup site provided of the Israeli team. Ooooh, aaaaah.

Oh, and the US is playing Spain. That’s all you’ll get if you’re watching American TV. What, there are other countries?

Local H - Sports Bar

That is, the tennis version of Jew&A. What did you think I meant? Actually, I didn’t come up with that at all. It was dreamed up by Alex who, in the absence of any Jew&A questions, decided to ask me a bunch of questions about the Australian Open. Normally I would have just answered them in another e-mail but at the moment I have a lot of one-time visits by people searching for tennis or tennis players because of the big Grand Slam going on. So let’s give them something to look at, shall we? And it’s not like you sent me anything better!

So, Alex asks:
Three forfeits in the first round of the Australian Open men’s singles. Is that a lot, or have I just never really paid attention to the early rounds of tournaments? Is this kind of thing any more likely to happen in the Australian Open than in the other grand slam tournaments because everybody has been lying around for six weeks drinking beer and eating Cheetos?

Do they have Cheetos in Australia? Or any of the other countries these people come from? But I digress. I don’t keep statistics on these things (or any things) but it does seem perhaps slightly greater than average. But consider the following:

• a. It’s 111 degrees in Melbourne. Thus all the beer. But no, seriously, the conditions are quite tough. Speaking of which…
• b. The Australian Open is played on Rebound Ace which is notorious for being soft and causing injuries. Especially when it’s hot.
• c. As you say, it’s the first big tournament of the year and some people are perhaps not in the condition they should be. And I don’t just mean me.

Further, Alex asks:
Also, what’s up with Janko Tipsarevic, anyway? It looks as if he forfeited to Hewitt during the first week of January in the Next Generation Adelaide International Men’s Singles (1-6, 2-4), and the following week he dropped a match by a score of 6-7, 0-6. Does this guy just run out of wind?

I’m too stunned that you had that level of knowledge to answer (kidding, kidding). But I’m going to go ahead and say yes. No, really, they did manage to show eight minutes of that match on ESPN2 and he showed great form through the first three sets. That’s what separates the men from the boys and the guys who are used to playing five sets on a regular basis from those who regularly play three (at the most). This happens pretty often and if you’d seen James Blake throw up on the court in his first five-set match ever, you’d agree. You’d also be as grossed out as I was at the time.

Brother2 asks (he didn’t approve this for publication but what the hey):
I see that Nalbandian actually won a match in straight sets. What’s the matter with him? Is he feeling OK? Did he abandon his usual strategy of letting his opponent win the first two sets?

Thanks for your concern! I too was surprised. But first off, he nearly lost in the first round (thank goodness that Janko Tipsarevic ran out of wind or whatever), faced several match points, and had to go to five sets, showing that his M.O. of giving me heart attacks from all around the world is intact. (”Not the fittest guy on the tour” snarks P-Mac). But honestly, I’m inclined to believe, based on the fact that Mardy Fish has actually played up to his potential, Dudi Sela almost beat Marat Safin, and Maria Sharapova didn’t act like a petulant teenager at her press conference, that, scientifically speaking, there’s some weird juju going on over there. Or down under there. You get me.

And now, for my International readership, please allow me to highlight the match of the day in your respective countries.

USA: Roddick v. Safin

Russia: Kuznetsova v. Kirilenko

France: Gasquet v. Monfils

Czech Republic/Slovakia: Srebotnik v. Vaidisova

Israel/Fans of sexy people: Peer v. Golovin

Oh my God, I got through a whole tennis post with no Mauresmo jokes. It’s the strange juju, I just know it.

The Rolling Stones – Little T & A