In conclusion, ANDY PETTITTE.

“Weird Al” Yankovic – (This Song’s Just) Six Words Long

Speaking of, I’ve sort of decided on Northern Ireland and must get cracking on hotels since it is (gulp) now a bit over a week away. If you feel like planning my vacation for me, please apply in the comments section.

No song today, I’m Derry sorry. Ha, better jokes to come, I hope.

Not that many of my readers care, but for future Googlers, here’s what I thought of it. It’s slightly smaller than the grandstand and yet you’re slightly further away because the seating isn’t as steep (people who have been to both the old and new Yankee Stadiums will understand what I mean). The problem with this, besides the distance aspect, is that for vertically challenged people like myself, if a tall person sits in front of you, you’re screwed. But mostly it’s good. There are seats with backs and that’s a giant plus. It’s brutally hot with no shade at all but so is Armstrong and as you recall, I want to be buried there, so I can’t really be too upset about it.

Today I saw Gasquet there (or Gas-ket as someone in front of me pronounced it) as well as Tommy Haas who is, remarkably, still alive. Then I moved on and saw the Radwanska sisters play each other in a tepid match. Please remind me next time: despite what you and I may have learned from shared rooms of our childhood, there is no excitement in seeing sisters battle each other on the tennis court. Luckily, I moved on and saw Israeli Dudi Sela come back from a near loss to Brazilian Thomaz Bellucci, largely on the strength of the crowd. If you think I am exaggerating, understand that he made the “I’m not worthy” bowing down symbol to the stands afterwards. It was the first time in US Open history that South Americans have been outshouted by some other partisan group. It was good to be Jewey!

(In case you were wondering, I did not see Mardy Fish play. Like many bands I have supported over the years, Mardy has become too good to play the small courts and stadiums where I can afford to see what’s actually happening (my seat in Ashe is very close to God) and I am sad but not sorry. You go, Mardy! Play the big court every day! I still love you.)

Last, I saw Gael Monfils, a sometime replacement for the entertainment factor we lost when Fabrice Santoro retired, play another really great guy named Somethingorother Dmitrov. You can look it up because I am tired and need to do the whole thing again tomorrow.

Which brings me to the most important part! Tomorrow!* On the Brand New Court 17! David Nalbandian will be playing Bobby Reynolds who is a fine fellow but sadly not David Nalbandian. This may be the last year that I need your MINDS, people! We can do it! Because lately, he can’t. The match should be about 5pm but I’ll be tweeting so check local tweets.

Thank you and have a pleasant and winning tomorrow.*

*tomorrow is now today – Tuesday, August 30. Your time zone may vary.

Anyhow, I realized why I haven’t been doing any cooking these last few months and it’s not because I don’t have time, although I don’t, it’s because there was no baseball to listen to in the kitchen. This week, I made a fantastic flounder while John Sterling was making an awful home run call for Russell Martin (“Monsieur Martin est là,” really?). By the way, here was one of the questions on my exam:

If you don’t know what job you’ll have and whether you’ll be sitting at a desk or moving around or how long your day will last, or even if you may be at home living off your 401k, is it best to buy Gameday Audio for:
a. Your phone
b. Your computer
c. Your iPad
d. Your iPod
e. None, you need that money for ramen noodles

Ha, no, actually, most of the exam was based on things I seem to have known all my life, like what a database is for and what’s the best solution for sending out the same memo to many different people (if you said Mail Merge, hopefully we both passed). There were more complicated questions, I will admit, but none as hard as the fake one I posted just above. For the record, I chose iPod, since that will be the most convenient to listen to whilst in transit, which is when I am most likely to need to hear a game. Also, because my phone battery dies in about twelve hours as is; in active use it will never make it through your typical five hour Yankees-Red Sox affair. E was a trick answer: how could I make noodles without baseball to listen to?

What else is there for me to say? Oh right, this. In my life, I have only seen David Nalbandian play in a final on TV three times (Wimbledon 2002, Shanghai Finals 2005, and yesterday’s Legg-Mason Classic in DC). This is both a function of the lack of tennis on American television and the dearth of championships in which Nalby has appeared. And it’s only the second time I have ever seen him win one. I’d try to explain how amazing it was to watch but instead, I’ll let the picture have its thousand words.

CNN: David Nalbandian wins Legg-Mason Classic title in Washington

I do like to see what chick flick programming the other stations will put together, though. I usually get Gone With the Wind but not, alas, this year. Instead we have a Law & Order marathon (but late model ones, boo!), Titanic, The Sound of Music, Dances With Wolves, and some other crap. And I do mean crap… like six hours of To Catch A Predator. Scary! I think I’m going to go with Get Shorty, which I’ve loved ever since I saw it on a flight to LA in the 90′s and they dubbed out the phrase “plane crash” and replaced it with “train crash.” I never knew he actually faked his death in the air until about ten years later. I hope I’m not giving anything away there in case you missed it when it came out in 1995.

But speaking of parties, here’s a song that I forgot even existed. The video is dumb but the song tells a story I know we can all empathize with. Except me. Sometimes I spend time in the bathroom at parties, if the bathroom is really nice. Or sometimes I’ll get out my cellphone and pretend I’m making an important call. But they didn’t have cellphones in Jona Lewie’s time. He just had the kitchen.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day. It’s today now but whatever. Remember my cousin who was discovering some home truths about The Employed Life? Right, well she’s in beauty school and is giving me a haircut tomorrow. Listen, cheap is cheap. Then, I’m off to see Trent Reznor to ask him about that whole “fat chicks tried to kill me” thing. Or not, it may just be a straight up Nine Inch Nails concert. I saw NIN on their first tour and not since. This is supposed to be the last tour and if I believed that, I would think it was an amazing bookends kind of thing. Still, it’s been almost twenty years and he’s put out two albums since then. I kid! I think it’s three. I don’t have the new one; they gave it away for free and I don’t trust people who give away their albums for free. That’s also a lie. I downloaded it an hour ago and am hastily trying to catch up.

A few items of business: I owe a Jew & A and it will be coming soon. Not tomorrow, though, it’s hard to write during that “I want to fuck you like an animal” song. Also, I have some US Open tickets for sale so if you are in New York City or its environs and would like to attend THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH during the first week, please contact me using the e-mail address at right or you can use the Jew & A form if you want to be really creative. Day and night session tickets are available. Because tennis is great day and night, naturally. Face value. Because your face has value. My Guide to the US Open is still mostly true (the backpack thing may have changed but it probably changed back) so feel free to check that out whether or not you get your tickets from me. But, you know, get your tickets from me.

In conclusion, it’s late and I just killed a gnat on my MacBook screen. Non-sequitors are fun!

I meant to make this iPod Song of the Week but I was busy working out my life when it caught my attention. This band is opening for NIN and are Teh Awesome! What I would have said then is that this is literally the only song I purchased the first time I heard it before it was even over. Of course, it’s like eight minutes so there was a lot of time, but still. It is so brilliant in every way and it still entrances me several months later. If you’re curious, I believe I made the purchase at 4:06.

But, you know, if you’re interested in Jewish basketball players, you may be interested in….

Naturally. It even anticipates this comment from the post: “He should just stick to what Jews do best. Things like writing comedy and marrying other Jews.” Rimshot!

What Ever Happened To the Jewish Jordan?

Nelly – Got Myself A Date

Yankee stadium sees its last game
An illustrious chapter in American sporting history came to an end last night as the Yankee Stadium in New York hosted its last baseball game.

By Tom Leonard in New York
Last Updated: 10:27PM BST 21 Sep 2008

The 57,545-seat stadium, America’s most famous sporting venue and the home for the past 85 years of the New York Yankees, is to be demolished and replaced with a $1.6 billion (£870 million) new ballpark close to its location in the Bronx.

An extra 2,000 security staff were drafted in for the final game to prevent chaos as fans were expected to attempt to rip up the stadium and make off with souvenirs. Fans had previously been found trying to bring spanners into the ground.

The enthusiasm of souvenir hunters is understandable given the unique place the stadium holds in American sports history, not to mention the fact that Nelson Mandela, Muhammad Ali and three popes have spoken there.

The stadium was nicknamed “The House That Ruth Built” in homage to Babe Ruth, the baseball superstar who inaugurated the stadium in 1923.

The so-called “cathedral of baseball”, with its famous 12ft high letters spelling out its name, went on to become home to 26 World Series-winning teams.

However, there was no spectacular finale yesterday as the Yankees, currently languishing in the baseball league, played the even less successful Baltimore Orioles.

I wonder if I should watch now. I mean, they say right there that it wasn’t spectacular. What to do, what to do.

By the way, I wonder where “Tom Leonard in New York” really is. Maybe he’s in a bar, picking up a chick right now. Perhaps he’s on the beach in Spain. Perhaps there really is no Tom Leonard. Whichever it is, I’m sad to see that baseball fans in the UK are being swindled in this fashion. Both of them.

Yankee stadium sees its last game

Thompson Twins – Lies

In the meantime, this is my favorite week of the year and, as well, the week that this becomes a tennis blog and/or a test of your patience. Our schedule for this US Open Week is:

Tuesday: Pious B, Brother B, and Sister-in-Law2. There is no Sister-in-Law1. Should you be interested in the position, please contact me privately.
Wednesday: Alfa
Thursday: Becca’s Dad, Brother1, possibly Brother2.
Friday: Becca’s Dad, Brother2

As you thankfully noticed, I did not make my annual “buy my extra tickets!” pitch and as I thankfully noticed, I didn’t have to run around Manhattan meeting Craigslist contacts. Mr. Deas was the final purchaser. YaY!

There will be many pictures of expensive tennis stars, expensive food, and other fun things, so stick around, you can still like tennis writing even if you don’t like tennis. It’s unlikely but possible. If you are lucky enough to be attending, please enjoy my oldie-but-goody Guide to Attending the US Open. The only thing that’s changed, as far as I know, is that backpacks are now allowed in, but have a size restriction. Check usopen.org for details on that.

Your last non-tennis post will be tomorrow, a Jew&A question, and after that it’s burn, baby, burn. I’m talking about my skin, naturally.

Finally, I really do miss the Olympics. Gosh that was fun, wasn’t it? I wish they’d have the Olympics every other year. But I did want to pass along to my British friends, and everyone knows the UK is one of my favorite spots on earth (my Facebook “places I’ve visited” application says so, so it must be true), a little consolation after your closing ceremonies… artistry. Now you understand what it’s like to be humiliated in front of the entire world by your government. I feel your pain.

By the way, at the festivities in London to celebrate the hand-off (finally, something being handed off from China to Britain), when Michael Phelps got on the podium, you should know that they played the same song I used in my post congratulating him, Spandau Ballet’s Gold. Copy-cats.

Wouldn’t this be an awesome place for The Beatles’ Hello Goodbye? I’m sure Paul and Ringo will have that worked out with the online music services before we’re all dead.