Magic Jewball

all signs point to no

 

Reader of the Month – August!

Filed under : Reader of the Month
On August 6, 2006
At 10:15 pm
Comments : 29

Yes, you’ve seen her fractured sense of humor in my comments, her staunch defense of the Yankees, her belief that she is married to Jason Giambi, Andy Phillips, or both, but have you seen that she visits my site 85 times a day? No, of course not, only I can see that. Either way, the ROTM for August is KP! KP used to post as Anonymous but then sign her posts KP. That’s just the kind of humor I can get behind. But if it isn’t clear enough that KP loves J-Ball, witness the fact that when a new post isn’t available, she uses this handy substitute.





More gushy things about KP. All this J-Ball reading goes on while she is busy studying how to heal people by touching them a lot. At least that’s how I understand it. It’s a popular field, I think. And watching Family Guy, that’s important for her work. Also, you know how birds and forest creatures flocked to Disney’s Cinderella? Well, if you’d like to know what kind of person KP is, be aware that butterflies naturally flock to her crotch. She just has that kind of magic.



KP also sent in a picture which reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where everyone starts calling Elaine, “Nip.” But this is a family blog! Speaking of which, KP has a lovely family, despite the fact that she is mid-way between Boston and NY and so has a son who supports that Other Team. Here’s a picture of her and the son who has the correct loyalties. Like any good mother, KP wanted to protect his identity from insane Red Sox fans, and so I obliged.



And did I mention that Mr. KP has fit right into the group of my friends’ helpful husbands? Yes, he helped me reset my circuit breaker over the phone. I love that in someone else’s husband. Here’s the happy, electrified couple.



But as much as I could say about KP, this is the song that most reminds me of her, and not just because she’s a Pretenders fan. No, this sort of Chrissy Hynde, ballsy chick, that’s the KP I know. And now, so do you. Thanks, KP! Keep on touching people!



The Pretenders – Brass in Pocket

 
 

Breaking News: ROTM Claims Meal

Filed under : Reader of the Month
On August 4, 2006
At 12:05 am
Comments : 14

You know the deal with Reader of the Month: you read and comment a lot, you get your wacky photos on the Internets, and, should you be in the New York area, you get a meal with Becca which you are heartily invited (nay, required) to pay for.



Well someone finally took me up on it! Yes, it was adorable little Soxy who was the Reader of the Month for June. She happened to be visiting from that “new” England they have up there and we went out for sushi and, in Soxy’s case, a delightful lychee martini, which seemed to give her quite a lot of enjoyment. OK now, don’t go wild, Soxy.



After the check was split, I whisked Her Soxness up to Times Square where she picked up 95 pounds of Dale & Thomas’ finest popcorn before sidestepping 40,000 tourists and 30,000 Duane Reade stores.

I offered to take her over to the Yankees Store on 42nd but she shockingly declined. She also wondered with some surprise why she couldn’t find the Red Sox game being shown on the TV in her hotel room. I have no idea. Now you may remember or have seen anew after checking the link, that Soxy’s dinner was supposed to be at Yankee Stadium. Sadly, the Bombers had a day game today. Pity. Because you know I’m dying to go there and drown in a sea of beer thrown at a woman wearing head-to-toe Sox regalia. We may have to sit separately if that ever does happen.



Anyway, after dropping Soxy off at her cute little boutique hotel in Murray Hill, I waited in sweaty desperation for the R train. Despite that, the emergency call box offered me this message.



Wow, I guess I don’t need any more help than that.



This is the most accurate song about New York City ever. I post it in honor of that “hot as a hairdryer” verse.

U2 – New York

Lyrics

 
 

Readers of the Month – July!

Filed under : Reader of the Month
On July 9, 2006
At 9:42 pm
Comments : 17

Yes, you read that correctly, it is not a typo, there are two, two, two readers of the month this month. On the other hand, I’m told marriage is about unity and so I considered making them just “Reader,” but, well, for purposes of inflating my readership totals, I’m double counting them.

So I owe my two readers of the month a joint apology. Seriously, they read my blog more than I do, I think. Each of them. But when you combine them, they simply set my stalker stats on fire. So why weren’t they first, you ask? Well, being the smart, urbane couple that they are, I assumed they would be above mere wacky tributes. But they weren’t!

OK, OK, enough with the intro; it’s Celia and Alex! You may know Alex as Alex526, a name he uses to distinguish himself from the other 525 Alexes who frequent my site. Celia leaves more comments but Alex sends me e-mails where he writes pithy responses which are too good for the likes of you to see. Celia and Alex get what I’m talking about more than the average J-Ball reader being funny and Jewish and half former New Yorker (that’d be Celia).



Now, I always know when I ask for pictures, someone’s going to slip in a Red Sox logo, since I don’t alter people’s photos. Yep, there we are. But I don’t hold grudges. See? I arranged their photos so they’re sort of gazing into each other’s eyes. Lovely.

I did have the pleasure of meeting the ROTM couple a few months ago (they have the good taste to live in the Balto-DC corridor, and if you’re a regular here you know that earns you gold stars in my book, if I had a book). I have to admit, they’re so sharp and interesting, I kind of lost my ability to speak. I hope they’ll accept this as some sort of proof that I have the ability to string two words together. The Internet is my friend.

But more on this fine couple. The Joneses (their name has been changed to protect the J-Ball obsessed) have two lovely daughters and when not hitting refresh on my blog, the whole family enjoys fighting fires for fun and profit. At least that’s what I assumed when they sent me this. Don’t disillusion me!


Lastly but not leastly, no family is complete until God sends them a dog. I wish I remembered the story of how that actually occurred but, well, a picture’s worth a thousand words that I can’t recall for the life of me. Perhaps Celia will tell it in a comment or Alex will send me a witty e-mail about it.



I already like this dog, though, because it’s too small to kill me and has the same baffled expression on its face that I have when someone tells me they like Maroon 5.

So congrats to Celia and Alex, the first ROTM twofer in J-Ball history. And even though you weren’t first, you are the first on the new J-Ball incarnation, which Alex still reads despite the flowers. May I continue to shep naches from your Internet surfing!





As is my standard M.O., I asked Celia and Alex to choose a song or two for themselves. Knowing a bit of their taste, I was surprised and delighted to find their choice was a song by Bow Wow Wow, whom you may remember from the worst song they ever did, “I Want Candy.” But I shouldn’t have been, really. Like any devoted couple, they wanted a tribute to their child.

Bow Wow Wow – Chihuahua

 
 

Reader of the Month – June!

Filed under : Baseball,Reader of the Month,Sports
On June 6, 2006
At 9:49 am
Comments : 23

Well, once again, I had a hard time choosing. I can see already that this is going to become a cliché. But I did lie awake nights thinking about it. OK, I was awake for other reasons, but hey, once you can’t sleep, why not think about who is going to be Reader of the Month?

But so all day I’d obsessively watch my stalker stats and you all would be kind enough to visit on your company’s time. Yes, your boss would be calling or you’d have a patient on the table but it all bored you and you came here. Then I’d go home and it would trickle off. But one place showed up like a nagging itch each and every night. It was Cambridge, Mass. I knew it couldn’t be Curt Schilling because he’s so busy washing his socks and stumping for the Republicans. No, I knew the person reading my blog on her own time had to be Soxfan. Don’t know Soxfan? Here’s a picture of her relaxing in her living room.

Fenway

Lot of green in there, Sox. You might think about redecorating. Anyway.So, because we have established that everything’s more fun in list form, let’s list all of the reasons Soxy (can I call you Soxy? Thanks.) is the ultimate J-Ball reader (well, this month, at least – I’m fickle).

1. First off (that was implied by the #1, how redundant of me), despite the fact that Soxy started her extraordinary blog-reading career by leaving lots of snickery “Randy Johnson is sure earning those millions, snortle, snortle” type comments, she sold her soul to be Reader of the Month and stopped trying to figure out how to get her “Yankees suck” digs into html brackets. Why? To be famous on the Internets, of course! I love that in a reader.

2. Even though she’s incredibly busy planning her wedding to Jason Varitek (I think that’s her fiancé, I’m not too clear), Soxy still finds the time to check out J-Ball, even tearing herself away from giggling with the girls at theknot.com, to have several look-sees a night. Here’s a picture of Soxy tasting possible hors d’oeuvres for the big day.

julie apple.jpg

Nice. I would have gone with the hot dogs in the blankets, though.

3. Most importantly, Soxy left lots of subtle hints like, “I just want to be Reader of the Month,” and “It’s always been my ambition to be Reader of the Month,” and “Am I Reader of the Month yet?” At some point, I got the message. Plus, it was so timely what with That Other Team visiting Yankee Stadium, the Home of the Brave and All Things Good for practically a whole week! It just seemed so appropriate. I believe Soxy had MLB set the schedule up this way for just this purpose.

See, even though Soxy seems so cute and little and adorable, she can be scary when things aren’t going her way. I have proof!


julie tree.jpg

I know what you’re thinking. Me too. Jason Varitek does look a lot different without the mask.



So, I’m a little worried now that the fact that Soxy has achieved her goal in life added to the recent development of me turning off comment moderation will be a recipe for disaster. But I have faith that Soxy isn’t the type that does things just for tangible rewards. I mean, what kind of person would do that?









English…is…hard.



Yes, that’s a chin-scratcher. But I’ve promised Soxy that she can claim (and pay for) her Reader of the Month dinner at the finest restaurant in the Bronx, Yankee Stadium. I mean, do they have a Kosher hot dog stand at Fenway? Come on.

But while I know we’re all sorry to see Steph dethroned, I just heard that A-Rod was made Player of the Month for May. Now Steph and A-Rod will have something to talk about the next time they see each other! So let’s congratulate Soxy on her achievement as well as on her upcoming nuptials. I know I for one will be thrilled when babies with names like Trot and Coco arrive on the scene.

As if Soxy and I weren’t simpatico enough, the song I was going to choose for her was the one she actually chose for herself. Damn Yay!

The Standells – Dirty Water

But that’s OK. Here’s a good one too. They didn’t have the War original but this one’s decent.

Smash Mouth – Why Can’t We Be Friends

Oh, and by the way, skip the comments making the requisite today’s date and evil empire connection. I am WAY ahead of you. Plus, in Judaism we don’t have a 666 thing. So there!

 
 

Glass of Wine in Her Hand (Guest Blogger!)

Filed under : Judaism,Reader of the Month
On June 1, 2006
At 8:05 pm
Comments : 13

Hey, Kids! While Becca stays up all night long and eats dairy, I’m going to be entertaining you for a bit. You’re excited, right? RIGHT?

This is just like when your teenage cousin came to baby-sit. You hated her, she was a total self-centered wench, but you had to put up with it because mom and dad just need a break from you, for crying out loud. SOME PEACE AND QUIET, BECAUSE YOU MAKE MOMMY WANT TO DRINK. And your cousin, maybe she didn’t really pay attention to you? She just watched reruns of Degrassi Junior High and gabbed with her friends on the phone. And maybe your brother was really being annoying that day, like he bit the head off of your Barbie or something, but she didn’t really care? She was just painting her nails on the sofa with Wet N Wild and eating Ding-Dongs. You know, the Ding-Dongs your mother packed in your lunch so carefully next to the peanut butter and jelly and Cheetos? And it made you so mad you could scream?

That’s me! I’m Culotte Folle, but you may call me Culotte. Becca asked me to post while she is observing the Shavuot because I’m Almost Jewish. Let me tell you why!

Here’s the deal: my husband is a Jew. Sort of. His mother is Jewish. She makes the best latkes EVER, and ironically sends us candy on Easter. For this, and her excellent culinary skills, I love her. (Hi, Elaine!) I even got to light the menorah candles one year!

The best part about being Almost Jewish is that I’ve had the opportunity to sit Seder not once, but twice. The reason that you should be jealous is because Seder is awesome. Besides the obvious good eats (you haven’t tasted heaven until you’ve had a little fruit and nut jam on a matzo cracker), my Seder host usually invites about 30 people who have never met before and uses little finger puppets to depict the plagues. On a really serious note, it’s a great way to meet new people and share in the spirit of a moving holiday. Don’t tell anyone I said that.

I do have to admit that I’m honored to be included in these traditions. Even more honored that I am Becca’s Jewish Holiday Guest Blogger, even though I really wanted to be Reader of the Month. For that reason, please find the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” as my song choice.

But, let’s all tell Becca how much we miss her and that you’ll never ever be bad again, because you hate it when Mommy drinks.

 

The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want

 

Culotte contemplating Judaism

 

[Ed. Note: Thanks for the fine post, Culotte! She even used a line from a song as her title. Wasn’t that cool of her? Sadly, Napster would only give 30 seconds of her song. Boo! Hiss! Anyhoo, I’m eating blintzes right now but I did want you to know that amongst traditional Jews, Culotte’s husband would indeed be considered Jewish as we go with either matrilineal descent or conversion. Culotte’s still a shikse, though, but what’re you gonna do.]