It also has a fantastic service which transcribes voicemails so you don’t have to dial in and listen to several minutes of, “just calling to say hi, but also, did you get Barb a present for her birthday? I was thinking of something I saw on Amazon. You know what? I’ll just e-mail you a link. So, um, yeah… yeah, I’ll just e-mail you. Later! Oh, right, this is Sam. Did I say my phone number? You probably have it… well, I’ll just e-mail.”

Hell, Barb’s already had two more birthdays since I started listening to that. But Google transcribes them so you don’t have to go through all that plus the whole, “press 7 to delete, press 2 to explode your brain” rigmarole. It’s just like an e-mail! Except when they’re not so good at it. While I was in Baltimore, I finally met up with our second Reader of the Month, Steph! She was delayed a bit and called me to let me know that she and Mr. Steph were on their way. Why, it was clear from the transcription!

So, to sum up, Steph and her husband couldn’t make it to the restaurant at Harborplace on time because they were doing it in the parking garage. Also, someone was watching, so that made it extra special! I made sure to let Warren, whoever the hell he is, know.

LL Cool J – Doin’ It

Yes, that’s because RNerd and her husband, Mr. Nerdy (actually their names differ by only one letter, how sweet is that?) visited from Tulsa, OK, as usual, not to see me but because they got a free vacation. Which is coincidental, because if I got a free vacation, I’d spend it in Tulsa. No, I kid, I don’t think they actually got to choose.

Anyway, if you’ve been reading J-Ball faithfully, you’ll know that I took them to the glorious Time Warner Center, although, to be fair, their plush free hotel was on Central Park South, just near said TW Center. Once there I regaled them with stories about hideous, miniscule supermarkets and they told me they have two Super Wal-Marts and a Super Target in their immediate vicinity. I’m not sure anything in NYC is called “Super” unless you’re talking about real estate prices.

But the Nerds were extraordinarily nice and interesting and despite the teeny-tiny portions that were served at the Bouchon Bakery, they insisted on paying the entire Super bill. Wow! Thanks Sooner Family!

Start saving now, Baby Owen, I’m going to take you to Masa.

Rodgers & Hammerstein – Oklahoma!

Yes, it’s adorable Baby Owen, son of Jan. Now, Jan never wanted to be ROTM but since we’re highlighting her progeny, I should say that Jan titled the plethora of photos she sent me with way more brilliant names than I could ever come up with, so I’m going to keep all of them. This one is called Binkie Face. Indeed.

This one, for instance, is called Smushyface1. That’s because it’s from the Smushyface series. It was a tough job choosing, but I think this one is stellar.

Anyway, more about Baby Owen. I haven’t met Owen yet, but I understand his favorite activities include eating all the time (just like Mom!), burping & throwing up (especially at Mommy & Me class), and peeing all over Mom & Dad during diaper changes. Mom & Dad are working on this issue and hope to have it resolved before Owen turns ten.

This picture speaks for itself, doesn’t it? I really thought of calling Children’s Services on the Jan Family after I saw this. The torture of putting a poor innocent child in this get-up!

To be fair, there was another picture where Baby Owen looks perfectly content in the same outfit, but you know, that’s for some other blog.

Lastly but not leastly, I think this is the kind of thing that made me phobic of dogs, personally. Oh, I kid, Bailey loves his new brother! Jan called this photo, “What is this thing?” I think that’s what the dog was thinking just before he inhaled Baby Owen.

Anyway, congrats Baby Owen, your cuteness was just too good not to share. And thanks for letting Jan keep on reading the J-Ball. You rule! Check back with me when you’re eating solid foods about that whole meal with Becca thing.

I kid you not, Jan says Baby Owen’s favorite song is:

Justin Timberlake – SexyBack

Here’s RN with a permanent tattoo she got of her favorite team. Observant Jews think OU stands for Orthodox Union, but apparently things are different out there.

I’m also informed that RN’s daughter’s name has a Sooners connection but to protect the innocent (daughter, not Sooner) we’ll just leave that oblique.

When not attending all Sooners games (no really, there is an off-season, isn’t there?), RN is a …..wait for it….nurse. She doesn’t actually nurse anymore, but instead sells drugs. So if you see a nurse on your block pushing pills, make sure to congratulate her on this whole ROTM thing, OK?

Back home in Tulsa (the city, not the movie), RN has two and a half kids. The half is an exchange student but RN was coy on the subject of what exactly was exchanged for her. RN’s son plays in a rock band and her daughter doesn’t. Three cats who are part of no bands also help make up the RN household.

But it’s OK…is this not the glammest rock action shot ever? Yeah, I’d sign that guy. Sadly, I have no signing privileges. But I’d make him an awesome spreadsheet of his sales!

Speaking of bands, RN seems to really like them and their members, especially Gene Simmons of Kiss, pictured here getting up close with RN and some friend who doesn’t read J-Ball and therefore merits no mention. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, Gene Simmons doesn’t read me either, sue me

Hey, this is kind of a kinky picture, isn’t it? Gene would be so proud.

RN sent me like 20 photos, so I apologize for not including the kids and cats but this one had to make the cut. See, during football season, RN’s crew tailgates in the Hillel parking lot at U of OK. Hillel is the Jewish students organization, and, um, we’re not exactly known for our tailgating habits. The juxtaposition of two cultures in this photo made me laugh and laugh. Thanks, RN! (click to enlarge)

One of these people is RN’s husband but she’ll have to identify which one. That’s my way of ensuring she’ll comment. Pretty sneaky, huh?

Anyhoo, I did just want to say that the most important thing to know about RN, besides the fact that her comments are always smart and funny, is that she was extraordinarily nice about my delays in posting this. See, I told her two weeks ago that she was getting the crown and then I was all, “well, I’m going on vacation” and “maybe tomorrow” and “could be Sunday” and yet she was totally cool about it. That kind of understanding and patience and nicerosity totally rocks my world and made me want to make her Reader of Two Months. Then I could use some of her other wacky pictures (her daughter is adorable, so her pic would probably go first). But since she’s actually coming to New York next month and can claim her meal, I think that’s reward enough. Especially for me since I won’t be paying for said meal.

I had hoped to link to “Oh What A Beautiful Morning,” Oklahoma being one of my favorite musicals (shut up, I like Rodgers & Hammerstein), but, would you believe it? RN’s son’s band doesn’t just look good, they actually sound good. Who knew?

River City Ransom on MySpace

Yes, the ROTM for September is Sarpon! Sarpon, you may have noticed, is the commenter who always disagrees with me. But that’s OK! Because the ROTM title knows no opinions, it knows no team, it just knows “read JBall” and “comment on JBall.” I admit, I didn’t know much about Sarpon before, just the essentials, really, that she’s a chick and Jewish and a Mets fan and originally from NY where she currently does not reside. Is there more than that to anyone? But luckily for all of you, I interviewed Sarpon by e-mail and found out a few more key facts.

First off, I found that Sarpon (she’s the attractive female in the photo) is a lawyer. Then all that disagreeing with me made more sense. This is about as wacky as lawyers get. Party on, wacky lawyers!

Secondly, I found out that Sarpon is a Mom to three lovely kids, one of whom she gave birth to. I include this photo, not out of any favoritism for kids that have Sarpon’s genes, but because this kid is named Shea. You heard me. Or read me. Sarpon named her daughter after Shea Stadium. Maybe it was the orange hair and blue eyes. Let’s hope this Shea doesn’t get knocked down in favor of a newer, shinier kid with more luxury boxes. But, as Sarpon told me, “under other circumstances, she could have been named Yankee.” Ha! I cut Sarpon’s sister-in-law’s head out of the photo since she doesn’t read JBall as far as I know. I’m ruthless!

I couldn’t squeeze any more photos out of Sarpon, whose wackiness is more confined to writing long, erudite, gem-filled comments on my blog. But she did send me a few shots of her kids, so here’s one. Nothing against Kid #3, but I love this one’s lollipop plus, I have no doubt that any of my sibs would have proudly worn this t-shirt when we were kids. Or maybe even now. (Click to enlarge)

So what else did I learn that I can tell you? Sarpon makes her home in lovely Gainesville, Florida (no, I’ve never been there, shut up), has a husband named Kevin, and two cats besides the aforementioned youngsters. In her spare time…oh, who am I kidding? Between lawyering, mothering, and commenting, what possible free time could she have? I think the most important thing I could say about Sarpon is that she’s smart and funny and she was so anxious to post on my old Blogger blog that she accidentally started her own blog in the sign-up process. That, my friends, is the kind of dedication that I reward. So congrats to you, Sarpon, and feel free to claim your meal (you’ll pay of course) which will assuredly not be eaten in Flushing, unless it’s at the Kosher hot dog stand at the National Tennis Center.

Song choice is by the ROTM, which you’ll know because I’ve never seen Pippin. According to Sarpon it “contains the phrase I used in my personal ad to try to get the attention of a straight man who liked musicals (my ad read ‘Average, ordinary wonderful woman with a passion for passion seeks man…’) but alas I got 76 replies and not one picked up on it. But it is how I met Kevin.” Well, when you’re casting a wide net like that, come on. But anyhoo, here it is.

Jill Clayburgh – Kind Of Woman

More gushy things about KP. All this J-Ball reading goes on while she is busy studying how to heal people by touching them a lot. At least that’s how I understand it. It’s a popular field, I think. And watching Family Guy, that’s important for her work. Also, you know how birds and forest creatures flocked to Disney’s Cinderella? Well, if you’d like to know what kind of person KP is, be aware that butterflies naturally flock to her crotch. She just has that kind of magic.

KP also sent in a picture which reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where everyone starts calling Elaine, “Nip.” But this is a family blog! Speaking of which, KP has a lovely family, despite the fact that she is mid-way between Boston and NY and so has a son who supports that Other Team. Here’s a picture of her and the son who has the correct loyalties. Like any good mother, KP wanted to protect his identity from insane Red Sox fans, and so I obliged.

And did I mention that Mr. KP has fit right into the group of my friends’ helpful husbands? Yes, he helped me reset my circuit breaker over the phone. I love that in someone else’s husband. Here’s the happy, electrified couple.

But as much as I could say about KP, this is the song that most reminds me of her, and not just because she’s a Pretenders fan. No, this sort of Chrissy Hynde, ballsy chick, that’s the KP I know. And now, so do you. Thanks, KP! Keep on touching people!

The Pretenders – Brass in Pocket

Well someone finally took me up on it! Yes, it was adorable little Soxy who was the Reader of the Month for June. She happened to be visiting from that “new” England they have up there and we went out for sushi and, in Soxy’s case, a delightful lychee martini, which seemed to give her quite a lot of enjoyment. OK now, don’t go wild, Soxy.

After the check was split, I whisked Her Soxness up to Times Square where she picked up 95 pounds of Dale & Thomas’ finest popcorn before sidestepping 40,000 tourists and 30,000 Duane Reade stores.

I offered to take her over to the Yankees Store on 42nd but she shockingly declined. She also wondered with some surprise why she couldn’t find the Red Sox game being shown on the TV in her hotel room. I have no idea. Now you may remember or have seen anew after checking the link, that Soxy’s dinner was supposed to be at Yankee Stadium. Sadly, the Bombers had a day game today. Pity. Because you know I’m dying to go there and drown in a sea of beer thrown at a woman wearing head-to-toe Sox regalia. We may have to sit separately if that ever does happen.

Anyway, after dropping Soxy off at her cute little boutique hotel in Murray Hill, I waited in sweaty desperation for the R train. Despite that, the emergency call box offered me this message.

Wow, I guess I don’t need any more help than that.

This is the most accurate song about New York City ever. I post it in honor of that “hot as a hairdryer” verse.

U2 – New York

Lyrics

So I owe my two readers of the month a joint apology. Seriously, they read my blog more than I do, I think. Each of them. But when you combine them, they simply set my stalker stats on fire. So why weren’t they first, you ask? Well, being the smart, urbane couple that they are, I assumed they would be above mere wacky tributes. But they weren’t!

OK, OK, enough with the intro; it’s Celia and Alex! You may know Alex as Alex526, a name he uses to distinguish himself from the other 525 Alexes who frequent my site. Celia leaves more comments but Alex sends me e-mails where he writes pithy responses which are too good for the likes of you to see. Celia and Alex get what I’m talking about more than the average J-Ball reader being funny and Jewish and half former New Yorker (that’d be Celia).

Now, I always know when I ask for pictures, someone’s going to slip in a Red Sox logo, since I don’t alter people’s photos. Yep, there we are. But I don’t hold grudges. See? I arranged their photos so they’re sort of gazing into each other’s eyes. Lovely.

I did have the pleasure of meeting the ROTM couple a few months ago (they have the good taste to live in the Balto-DC corridor, and if you’re a regular here you know that earns you gold stars in my book, if I had a book). I have to admit, they’re so sharp and interesting, I kind of lost my ability to speak. I hope they’ll accept this as some sort of proof that I have the ability to string two words together. The Internet is my friend.

But more on this fine couple. The Joneses (their name has been changed to protect the J-Ball obsessed) have two lovely daughters and when not hitting refresh on my blog, the whole family enjoys fighting fires for fun and profit. At least that’s what I assumed when they sent me this. Don’t disillusion me!

Lastly but not leastly, no family is complete until God sends them a dog. I wish I remembered the story of how that actually occurred but, well, a picture’s worth a thousand words that I can’t recall for the life of me. Perhaps Celia will tell it in a comment or Alex will send me a witty e-mail about it.

I already like this dog, though, because it’s too small to kill me and has the same baffled expression on its face that I have when someone tells me they like Maroon 5.

So congrats to Celia and Alex, the first ROTM twofer in J-Ball history. And even though you weren’t first, you are the first on the new J-Ball incarnation, which Alex still reads despite the flowers. May I continue to shep naches from your Internet surfing!

As is my standard M.O., I asked Celia and Alex to choose a song or two for themselves. Knowing a bit of their taste, I was surprised and delighted to find their choice was a song by Bow Wow Wow, whom you may remember from the worst song they ever did, “I Want Candy.” But I shouldn’t have been, really. Like any devoted couple, they wanted a tribute to their child.

Bow Wow Wow – Chihuahua

But so all day I’d obsessively watch my stalker stats and you all would be kind enough to visit on your company’s time. Yes, your boss would be calling or you’d have a patient on the table but it all bored you and you came here. Then I’d go home and it would trickle off. But one place showed up like a nagging itch each and every night. It was Cambridge, Mass. I knew it couldn’t be Curt Schilling because he’s so busy washing his socks and stumping for the Republicans. No, I knew the person reading my blog on her own time had to be Soxfan. Don’t know Soxfan? Here’s a picture of her relaxing in her living room.

Lot of green in there, Sox. You might think about redecorating. Anyway.So, because we have established that everything’s more fun in list form, let’s list all of the reasons Soxy (can I call you Soxy? Thanks.) is the ultimate J-Ball reader (well, this month, at least – I’m fickle).

1. First off (that was implied by the #1, how redundant of me), despite the fact that Soxy started her extraordinary blog-reading career by leaving lots of snickery “Randy Johnson is sure earning those millions, snortle, snortle” type comments, she sold her soul to be Reader of the Month and stopped trying to figure out how to get her “Yankees suck” digs into html brackets. Why? To be famous on the Internets, of course! I love that in a reader.

2. Even though she’s incredibly busy planning her wedding to Jason Varitek (I think that’s her fiancé, I’m not too clear), Soxy still finds the time to check out J-Ball, even tearing herself away from giggling with the girls at theknot.com, to have several look-sees a night. Here’s a picture of Soxy tasting possible hors d’oeuvres for the big day.

Nice. I would have gone with the hot dogs in the blankets, though.

3. Most importantly, Soxy left lots of subtle hints like, “I just want to be Reader of the Month,” and “It’s always been my ambition to be Reader of the Month,” and “Am I Reader of the Month yet?” At some point, I got the message. Plus, it was so timely what with That Other Team visiting Yankee Stadium, the Home of the Brave and All Things Good for practically a whole week! It just seemed so appropriate. I believe Soxy had MLB set the schedule up this way for just this purpose.

See, even though Soxy seems so cute and little and adorable, she can be scary when things aren’t going her way. I have proof!

I know what you’re thinking. Me too. Jason Varitek does look a lot different without the mask.

So, I’m a little worried now that the fact that Soxy has achieved her goal in life added to the recent development of me turning off comment moderation will be a recipe for disaster. But I have faith that Soxy isn’t the type that does things just for tangible rewards. I mean, what kind of person would do that?

Yes, that’s a chin-scratcher. But I’ve promised Soxy that she can claim (and pay for) her Reader of the Month dinner at the finest restaurant in the Bronx, Yankee Stadium. I mean, do they have a Kosher hot dog stand at Fenway? Come on.

But while I know we’re all sorry to see Steph dethroned, I just heard that A-Rod was made Player of the Month for May. Now Steph and A-Rod will have something to talk about the next time they see each other! So let’s congratulate Soxy on her achievement as well as on her upcoming nuptials. I know I for one will be thrilled when babies with names like Trot and Coco arrive on the scene.

As if Soxy and I weren’t simpatico enough, the song I was going to choose for her was the one she actually chose for herself. Damn Yay!

The Standells – Dirty Water

But that’s OK. Here’s a good one too. They didn’t have the War original but this one’s decent.

Smash Mouth – Why Can’t We Be Friends

Oh, and by the way, skip the comments making the requisite today’s date and evil empire connection. I am WAY ahead of you. Plus, in Judaism we don’t have a 666 thing. So there!

This is just like when your teenage cousin came to baby-sit. You hated her, she was a total self-centered wench, but you had to put up with it because mom and dad just need a break from you, for crying out loud. SOME PEACE AND QUIET, BECAUSE YOU MAKE MOMMY WANT TO DRINK. And your cousin, maybe she didn’t really pay attention to you? She just watched reruns of Degrassi Junior High and gabbed with her friends on the phone. And maybe your brother was really being annoying that day, like he bit the head off of your Barbie or something, but she didn’t really care? She was just painting her nails on the sofa with Wet N Wild and eating Ding-Dongs. You know, the Ding-Dongs your mother packed in your lunch so carefully next to the peanut butter and jelly and Cheetos? And it made you so mad you could scream?

That’s me! I’m Culotte Folle, but you may call me Culotte. Becca asked me to post while she is observing the Shavuot because I’m Almost Jewish. Let me tell you why!

Here’s the deal: my husband is a Jew. Sort of. His mother is Jewish. She makes the best latkes EVER, and ironically sends us candy on Easter. For this, and her excellent culinary skills, I love her. (Hi, Elaine!) I even got to light the menorah candles one year!

The best part about being Almost Jewish is that I’ve had the opportunity to sit Seder not once, but twice. The reason that you should be jealous is because Seder is awesome. Besides the obvious good eats (you haven’t tasted heaven until you’ve had a little fruit and nut jam on a matzo cracker), my Seder host usually invites about 30 people who have never met before and uses little finger puppets to depict the plagues. On a really serious note, it’s a great way to meet new people and share in the spirit of a moving holiday. Don’t tell anyone I said that.

I do have to admit that I’m honored to be included in these traditions. Even more honored that I am Becca’s Jewish Holiday Guest Blogger, even though I really wanted to be Reader of the Month. For that reason, please find the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” as my song choice.

But, let’s all tell Becca how much we miss her and that you’ll never ever be bad again, because you hate it when Mommy drinks.

The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want

[Ed. Note: Thanks for the fine post, Culotte! She even used a line from a song as her title. Wasn’t that cool of her? Sadly, Napster would only give 30 seconds of her song. Boo! Hiss! Anyhoo, I’m eating blintzes right now but I did want you to know that amongst traditional Jews, Culotte’s husband would indeed be considered Jewish as we go with either matrilineal descent or conversion. Culotte’s still a shikse, though, but what’re you gonna do.]