Magic Jewball

While I have no news, the world zooms on and other people do. My friend Meaddows is doing an awesome thing and helping to organize a local event to support 350.org in their global Candlelight Vigil for Climate Change. It’s on a Friday night so some of my more Jewey friends may not be able to make it, but for the rest of you, it’s on the evening of Friday, December 11th in New York City, from 6:00 – 8:00 p.m. on the Hudson River at West 26th Street.

They say….

People all over the world will unite tonight to raise awareness about climate change, send a message to world leaders, and be part of the solution. Join us and be one of them.

Please see this flyer (pdf) or get info from 365.org here and be there or be dead from climate change!

Title comes from the first song by Depeche Mode not about freaky sex or religion.
Depeche Mode – The Landscape Is Changing

Earlier today, I responded to a Tweet by the creators of my favorite podcast, NPR’s Planet Money, about why people walk in the bike lanes when there are “perfectly good” sidewalks to walk on. They posted a picture on the associated blog post of Times Square to illustrate it (we have lots and lots of new, green bike lanes here). I already answered them with my opinion but I really needed more than 140 characters. Especially after I had to navigate the Columbus Circle area this afternoon on my way to to Best Buy. (Please don’t think I am a fan of Best Buy, I was buying competitive product from their stock of 20 CD’s).

Around the curve of Columbus Circle near the park, I had to make my way through the following:

1. At least 15 different people holding “Bike Rental” signs. I guess they go along with the bike lanes but they seem to have proliferated overnight into an army. I have no idea if they are all one company or competing places or each one guy with a bicycle, but they are everywhere near the park. One enterprising guy had laid the sign on the sidewalk with 3 bikes “parked” against it. Fabulous.

2. At least 5 different sets of tourists stopped, looking up, looking at maps, snapping pictures, stopping to gawk at an office building and calling it a nice hotel, etc. Bottom line, not moving.

3. A woman with a Fox News mike and her cameraman interviewing a quintessential “man on the street” about the NY Post article featuring a photo of Obama and French president Sarkozy ogling a lady’s fine, fine ass at the G8. It goes without saying that a group had gathered around. Duh, there was a camera!

4. The usual sidewalk vendors of framed pictures of New York, such as a sign that said “Gay St.” (look, says the gay guy, I brought home a picture of a sign that says Gay St!), or John Lennon in his New York shirt next to a photo of the Imagine mosaic in Central Park ($2 with frame).

5. A scene out of the movie Airplane where people from at least three different charitable organizations tried to stop me and ask me for such things as “a moment of my time for the environment.” Also one from a comedy club where the guy actually addressed me by the color of my shirt. What a comedian!

I ask you, dear reader and NPR, where the hell am I supposed to walk?

NPR Planet Money Blog: Why Do People Walk In Bike Lanes?

You know, I didn’t vote for Michael Bloomberg for mayor (either time!) but after viewing yesterdays “plane crash – not” press conference, I have to hand it to him. See, after years of Giuliani and then Bloomberg, I am used to “just the facts, ma’am” type press conferences and find them quite reassuring. “Something bad happened but here are all the details so you can understand. And we’re on it, so, you know, just go on with your business. Would I sound this calm if there was anything to worry about?” This is an important thing in New York where there always seems to be some larger than life event that by all rights should worry you to death.

So the juxtaposition of that with the immediate statement of the governor (I probably would have voted against him except there was no election, he just succeeded our skanky, whore-loving last governor) was somewhat jarring. I can’t seem to find a transcript of Bloomberg’s statement, probably because it was so unsexy. In contrast, Governor Patterson’s statement is everywhere and is the dominant sound bite on both the TV and radio news (I flip around a lot). So imagine Bloomberg saying, “the plane left LaGuardia at 3-whatever and had X many people on board with Y number crew. The plane encountered a bird strike and blah blah happened. Rescue boats from yadda yadda agencies surrounded it and everyone was rescued. Everybody did an excellent job and we’ll figure out what went wrong. The end.”

Then you get Patterson immediately launching into, “There is a heroic pilot, who saved himself and approximately 154 other passengers this afternoon. We have had a miracle on 34th street, I believe we now have a miracle on the Hudson.” Oh, Jebus Crikey, don’t make me hurk. He went on to say, “”I think for all the times that we have had to appear at these press conferences in rather dismal circumstances, today, we realize how blessed this city is, and how blessed all of us are, particularly the survivors and their families. In simplicity, this is really was a potential tragedy that may become one of the most spectacular days in the history of New York City’s agencies, their coordination and the greatness of the people that worked to help the passengers, who will return home to their families.”

This sort of reminded me of the Simpsons episode (most things do but you’ve probably already noticed this) where the law-talking guy, Lionel Hutz, says to Homer Simpson, “Homer, I don’t use the word ‘hero’ very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.” This was regarding suing an all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant. I’m not saying this wasn’t a big deal. It’s a huge deal and everyone in my office, which is in one of the buildings the plane might have crushed had it not ditched into the Hudson, were all gathered around our TV’s making stunned exclamations. That’s why you don’t have to overstate it!

Of course, I can’t vote for Bloomberg now. This time I’m mad at him for changing a law New Yorkers voted for – term limits – so he could run again. I don’t care that I didn’t actually vote in favor of that law. It’s the principle of the thing! Still, I expect him to win and hold years of matter-of-fact press conferences. What’s to worry about?

Title comes from:
Paula Abdul – Straight Up

I’m not especially good at decorating, and if you knew the excruciating way I’ve made decisions in my kitchen, you’d know this. I should really have put quotes around decisions, as I usually begin to doubt them within twenty-four hours. Sometimes, I troll kitchen forums for ideas but this is hard, really. These people have huge, elegant spaces, the better to put in islands and baking centers and butler’s pantries. While I struggle to find a refrigerator both shallow enough and narrow enough for my space, they wish heartily that fridges came wider than 48″. So instead, I went surfing though the local real estate listings where galley kitchens and spaces so narrow they look like they’re being photographed through fisheye lenses predominate. I assumed that these would be the crème-de-la-crème. They’d need to be to sell, right? Fantastic place to get design inspiration, yes.

Let’s have a look, shall we?

I like to call this one, “field of ugly neutrals.”

And this one, the “hallway of bland.”

This was a common theme in for-sale kitchens. The all stark white look. I’m not sure if it’s “I just couldn’t pick a color” or “I’m afraid color will ruin my resale value – can’t you see yourself in my milk-white cucina?” I chose this one in particular because the pictures seem to say, “no! No! I’m not all white, see?” Where instead they just seem to make everything whiter.

Still not as bad as this one, though. Ice cube, anyone?

But both are better than bisque. The white fridge next to everything else bisque is a nice touch.

Or maybe it’s just horrible lighting that causes half the kitchen to look like it has a bad case of jaundice. I’m not sure which is worse.

They tell people to de-clutter before sale but some people don’t get the memo.

This kitchen broke my brain.

By the way, this is the most popular fridge in all Manhattan. I know why. It’s from Amana (and now Whirlpool) and it has excellently narrow and shallow dimensions. I should have gotten one, but no, I had to get the one with actual handles. Now it can’t open all the way without banging into the cabinet across. Anyone want a fridge?

Speaking of appliances, I think this kitchen is my favorite. Yes, it’s ugly. Yes, it’s cluttered. But the best part is, it’s tiny, and yet the owner used a major chunk of real estate for a full-sized dishwasher. I’m betting he stores the dishes in there too.

Don’t forget, follow kitchen “progress” here!

Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby

This is one of those things that I have no idea if you’ll find as funny as I do. Not even if you were there. But my neighborhood is dotted with little Kosher shops (and they get bigger… they all inevitably expand or move to larger storefronts) and at one certain one, the cashiers are all Caribbean accented ladies who smile at you a lot and hand back your credit card the second after they swipe it. They trust you, you see. This isn’t the funny part, even to me.

The thing is, they know more about Kosher products than you and I ever will. Even if you’re Jewish and Kosher. This afternoon, I went there because I needed a cake. I know, I never buy cakes, but I have no kitchen and it’s hard to come up with one without paying someone else to bake it. And I’m going away for the weekend and must bring my hosts a cake. Believe me, I know you are currently thinking of the Seinfeld episode with the babka, and I did, in fact, get them a babka. This is because I can’t make babka and I don’t want them to say something along the lines of, “mmmmm, these rugelach are WAY better than the ones you make… try to bring these from now on, would you?” Actually, my cousin is British and extremely polite and would never say such a thing, especially if she thought it. She is one of those people who make you want to live the lifestyle of an observant Jew simply because of the way the sabbath goes on. You see, there’s always a lot of food and preparation, every single week, and so five seconds into any conversation, any day of the week, they will say, “do you want to come for shabbos?” Because there’s always enough for you, a room, food, etc. and it’s taken for granted that guests won’t be a burden but rather enhance the host’s life. I think this is kind of the way the South is portrayed in Gone With the Wind, except I won’t be staying for several months or years. But it’s like that. So I’ve had Mammy pack up my trunks to have shabbos in Atlanta. And by Atlanta I mean Bergen County, New Jersey.

Anyway! So I was there and the Caribbean ladies are all in one row, that’s the way it works. The one next to my smiling cashier was on the phone with a customer and it went like this, “A choc-o-late chip challah? I’ll check but what kind do you want? Zomick’s? Bagel Citee? Zadie’s? Oh never mind Zadie’s, there’s no choc-o-late chip. Rita! See if we have a choc-o-late chip, any kind. Oh pull-apart is all we have, she says. You know, pull apart [slight impatience]. Pull-apart challah!” It was kind of awesome the way she had to explain to the Jewish customer what a pull-apart challah was. It almost made me believe that Kingston was actually Bagel City, mon.

Maybe you had to be there. And by there I mean the Upper West Side of the Caribbean.

Todd Rundgren – Bread