Magic Jewball

Sorry, the run-up to Passover is long and arduous and has not allowed me much blogging time. I am aware of the dearth of iPod Songs of the Week lately, especially.

All Apologies is, coincidentally, not the iPod Song of the Week.

Rock on!
Becca

The fool is me, as you recall. I forgot my Blogoversary. But as promised, here’s the celebratory post. Play along with me and pretend it’s the 19th, okely dokely?

Calculating the stats from my second year was tougher than my first. That’s because I had to subtract last year’s from this year’s. Math is hard! And why didn’t I have enough foresight to start my blog on a January 1st? But no matter, I still have my calculator out from doing my taxes (bake sale ingredients are tax-deductible, right?), I might as well get some more use out of it.

So! Let’s get to it.
Posts: 386 total/233 this year
Comments: 3,845 total/1,744 this year
Post with the most comments: And It Makes Me Wonder. And I’m so proud of that one because it was a discussion rather than just a bunch of comments. I love you people!
Top 5 Countries: US, Canada, Great Britain, France, Australia
Top 5 US States: New York, Michigan, Wisconsin, New Jersey, Florida
Most popular search term: “roger federer jewish” - same as last year. (And he still isn’t.)
Most hotlinked picture: Bleeding Gums Murphy

As I said, this isn’t as exciting as my first blogoversary but I like to think I’ve matured. And by matured I mean that I don’t tinker with my design every weekend. The first year of the blog was really eventful, this year was more settled which I think led to more interesting posts. This is kind of like the way artists always say in interviews, “this is our best album ever! Our entire careers have led up to this point.” Yes, right. But I do actually think that not leading a wild and crazy life facilitated more thoughtful posts. Also, I think there was more “me” in the blog than before. That can’t be good.

Changes in my own life have caused the blog to be less religiously oriented but it still, I hope, has that Jewish inflection. But to bring some more of that back, and because I learned how to use the forms application, I’ve put in place a means to submit Jew & A questions without having to e-mail me (it’s in the sidebar under Pages in case you forget where this link is). People don’t like to e-mail. I understand this. You can be totally anonymous via form and submit questions whenever the thought occurs to you. Unless you’re not near a computer and then you’re just stuck. If it’s something private, I can even just e-mail you back. But then you actually have to send me your e-mail address. Sucks, I know.

I think one of the primary reasons this blog exists is that I’m the only Jew a lot of people know. That’s weird in New York but I have a lot of friends in those other states. Wisconsin even, did you see? They have more Wal-Marts in some places than Jewish people and those folks still watch Seinfeld and Sex and the City and they want to know what a bris is or why matzah tastes so stale even when it’s fresh.

If you don’t remember Jew & A, and it’s been a while, there’s a new category for it so you can just have a look at the old ones by clicking on that in the sidebar. Oh, and I’ve tweaked my sidebar to mostly make one blogroll and streamline some things. And I’ve updated David Nalbandian but that’s just because I knew guests were coming so I thought I’d clean up. Because a blogoversary isn’t just a time of reflection, it’s a time to look forward. I read that on a greeting card, I feel sure.

Lastly but not leastly, I want to thank all of you, for reading, for commenting, for e-mailing things you didn’t want to comment on publicly, for linking, for being Facebook fans, for giving to my charities, and for being pretty much the best readers in the whole world. Yes, I have scientific proof of that, I just choose not to display it. Just know that J-Ball would be nothing without you!

By the way, I lied. I downloaded a Firefox plug-in and spent two hours to get my new form just right. You knew I’d never change, didn’t you?

Like most white people, I can rap this entire song. I learned it from my Filipino suitemate in college.
Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock - It Takes Two

Dear J-Ball,

So it’s come to this, I have forgotten our anniversary. In the first year of our relationship, I planned it for weeks, did all kinds of research, felt emotions and sentiment. This year, I happened to notice a week after the fact and come empty-handed.

Please don’t think I don’t love you as much as the first day we were together. It’s just… you know how it is. I got used to having you around and maybe I have begun take you for granted. That novel excitement has kind of vanished. But don’t take that as arising from a lack of feeling. Rather, you are so necessary to me that you’re just a part of my life and so, are appreciated without words or gestures. Always know that without you I’d be one of those people talking to myself on the subway or boring my friends with daily minutiae. Or, you know, more so.

Anyway, allow me to make it up to you later this week. Or next week. Or sometime. It will be as fun a post as last year’s Blogoversary, I swear.

xoxo
Becca

Joe Cocker - You Are So Beautiful (To Me)

I know you have been wondering, perhaps it has even been plaguing you, what were the top search terms of the year 2007? And what’s become of “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions?” Am I out of snappy answers? Most people I know in the real world will assure you that that will happen when I’m dead. And maybe not even then. After all, my blog will live on!

Luckily, there were many searches in the last few months since I last did this and for every one of them I have one or more snappy answers. Ready? Let’s begin.

dreidel colors mean?

Nothing! They’re just fun.

She’s not a girl who listens much

What?

orthodox jew deodorant

This is such a common search question that I’m going to answer it seriously. Yes, they use deodorant! On the sabbath, one is not supposed to “spread things” on one’s body. Many religious people will thus use spray. Shebus.

prune rugelach recipe

Having trouble in the bathroom department? Like cookies?

song r.e.m. orange crush by paul hardcastle

Perhaps you are confused. If you know the song is by REM, how can it also be by Paul Hardcastle. Does he do a remake? Isn’t one song about Vietnam enough?

get off the computer

Don’t tell me what to do through your crazy searches!

i was tempted to steal

Well, I’m glad you worked through it. I only wish the people hotlinking to my site right now were as conscientious.

goyish things

Crosses? Christmas trees? White bread?

can you sell swipe on your pay per ride metrocard

No! No! Stop that! On the other hand, my post on that topic led to an e-mail from a NY1 reporter (the cute guy, Bobby Cuza) so it’s all good.

where can a frum girl have a good time in manhattan

Shul?

what does a fake scallops look like?

Like real scallops, only faker.

do i have to give gifts to my subordinates?

Only if you want a year of decent work from your employees. Otherwise, go ahead and be an asstrout.

what are some good clean music for 9 year olds

That’s a tough one. Maybe Mozart.

lush soap overpriced don’t last long

You summed that up so well that I have nothing to add.

how could fruity pebbles be better tasting?

They couldn’t! ~sigh~

how can we get there parthenon

I can give you directions! First, go to Athens. Then, look for a really big hill.

buy ky jelly duane reade

Well, don’t let me stop you. Have fun!

can i have sex on the sabbath

I don’t know, can you? Try Viagra if you’re having trouble. My spam tells me it’s 100% effective.

target in riverdale how to get by subway

Take the #1 to 225th Street. Cross the street. You can’t miss it!

I know that wasn’t humorous, but people looking for Target deserve serious answers.

wanted to kill duane reade cashier

That shouldn’t really even be a crime.

how can i know who lives in a co-op building

You can’t! That’s why we love living there.

muse histrionic

I prefer “emphatic.”

what judiasm means to me

Someone needs to do his Hebrew School essay without Googling. Learning to spell Judaism would also be helpful.

weekend off from work because of judaism

Listen, you should just believe your employee when he tells you this. Why are you making him work on the weekend anyway?

fucking hotel housekeepers

Is this an activity or an expression of anger? I’ll need to know before I can answer.

torah out of graham crackers

I wasn’t aware that it ever had any. Maybe those were the kind of cakes Sarah was making for the angels who visited. But probably not.

oh it was beautiful and magic

Could you be looking for Supertramp’s Logical Song? Thanks, I used to work in a record store.

odd behavior by famous people

Who am I, Perez Hilton?

how to watch oprah in new york city

We do it the same way everyone else does. Just turn on your TV. Between channels 7 and 55 it’s on pretty much all day.

actually

I do use this word way too much. But actually, I usually really need it.

using a stolen gift card at circuit city

I hope you weren’t that “tempted to steal” guy. I had such high hopes for you.

And now, for the Top 5 searches of last year:

1. roger federer/mardy fish/david nalbandian jewish
2. bjork ipod song
3. dave gahan jewish
4. paul banks
5. boy george

Word to the wise: none of these people are known to be Jewish! You’re welcome!

Supertramp - The Logical Song

I have a new BlackBerry! And so does my friend, Alfa, who complained that my site doesn’t render correctly on hers. I thought maybe it was the new BlackBerries because mine has always shown this site fine, if a little skewed and nekkid-looking with black text on stark white background, bright blue links, and no pictures. Ugly but serviceable. But Alfa told me that hers looked like my actual site, only impossible to read. So when I got my new one I had a look-see but it still looked OK to me. That’s when I realized that hers must be set to show all the background images of this site which are numerous and designed for a screen much wider than a smartphone’s. When you do that, all the containers break and you can’t read anything.

Since I can’t force everyone to change the settings of their BlackBerries and Treos and Motos or whatever you have to the graphics-less option, I have a new theme (at left, for you deprived Razr people) set up just for mobile browsers. It detects that you’re on a smartphone, circumvents all that container-breaking, strips off my site’s bling, and just shows you the posts and pages, all in a text-based, easy-to-read manner. Phew. Now you know what to do while you’re stuck in that boring-ass meeting.

If you see the black-backgrounded, flowery theme, there should be a link to get the mobile version. Be sure to tell me if your results vary! I only tested this on two browsers and I’m told there are 480 others. Because your brain screen is little, only excerpts appear on the main page in the mobile version. That way, you can just click on the header of the post you want to read. In unrelated news, the first paragraph of each post will now be far more scintillating than the rest of the essay.

And this is the new BlackBerry. It plays music and takes pictures and has sharp graphics and is small and cute and more phone-like than before. And it works with WiFi! Plus, it cost half what a mePhone does and has a real keyboard and the fun, fun e-mail program I have grown to know and love. Word to Alfa and everyone: use OperaMini, it rocks and, although it’s hard to tell from the blurry snap above, even stripped-down J-Ball looks like minimalist art in it. And my favicon shows up, which it doesn’t on the regular BlackBerry browser, and you all know how important that is to me. This is because I’m insane.

Bonus music today will be the ringtone I made for my new BlackBerry which, yes finally, will be my only phone. Enjoy the irony!

(click to play)

The Who - Going Mobile