Magic Jewball

In the midst of all my existential and epistemological readings, I’ve had another hugely important quandary on the nature of mankind to consider: which cookies to make for my mishloach manot this year. You know, the packages of treats Jews give to each other on Purim, which is this Sunday. The funny part is, I always have to gear myself up for a couple of days of full-on baking marathon, but this year, I do that all the time. But I think I’ve figured it out. Here’s the line-up!

1. Hamantaschen, of course. Three flavors, as always: raspberry, apricot, and Nutella. I am disappointed that my new discovery, Freezerves, will not arrive in time for the marathon. So I’ll have to use regular jam. And regular Nutella, but that was never a question. I’ve never actually tasted Freezerves but they sound awesome and I don’t want to tell you how much I paid for the sample.

2. In the all-important bar cookie spot will be Oatmeal Carmelitas. I would have made last year’s huge success, Paxilrose’s Chocolate Chip Crack (many of you know this excellent recipe), but because of #4 I had to go with something else. I love Oatmeal Carmelitas. Love.love.love. And I don’t get a chance to make these enough, because everyone wants chocolate. I actually like caramel more than chocolate. Don’t tell anyone.

3. In the easy-peasy category, Peanut Butter Cookies. I always have one regular “cookie jar” cookie. Maybe a little homely, maybe something everyone makes, but when it’s just 25% of the total, it’s perfect. It’s the filler cookie because it doesn’t need to be rolled, filled, frosted, sandwiched, or manipulated in any way. I don’t count that sugary cross-hatch that you make. And I’ve made these a million times, too, so there’s no worry about how they will turn out. Before you ask, no one on my list has any nut allergies!

4. Filling out the container in the “something new and interesting” slot are these, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles. I’ve never made any kind of candy before but I use a similar recipe in my Cookie Dough Brownies so it seems a logical next step. Could these be as amazing as they look? We’ll find out!

Narrowly getting cut out of the novelty spot were Orange Spice Cookies but they had too much spice and when you are dealing with a small, confined container, spices and mint are out. Unless you want a lot of cookies which all look different but somehow all taste of spices or mint. I need an occasion to try those out, though. Someone please give me one.

And, of course, mishloach manot packages have to have foods from two different brachot, that is, foods that have two different blessings said over them. Cookies all come from the same category which is for things made of grain other than bread, so I need another. I usually stick a tea bag in there (the drink blessing), mostly because it’s easy, but also so you can make a dirty joke if you choose. This year I was at Target and briefly pondered raisins (the fruit blessing) but I hate raisins and whenever I get them in someone else’s package I’m dismayed. But they come in cute little boxes! So I was torn. And then I saw that they now have 100 calorie packs of Craisins. Mmmm, Craisins. So now it will be four kinds of cookies plus lil bags of craisins. Score!

I’ll let you know how it all turns out, hopefully with pictures. Only three baking days till Purim!

This song would have worked better if I were including cheap wine instead of the Craisins, but oh well.
Gang Of Four – To Hell With Poverty

You may have read some headlines today (or you will tomorrow if you’re more that newspaper type) about a plane being diverted due to some kid’s “prayer ritual.” Or, if you’re a reader of the Jerusalem Post or even the NY Post, you’d get a headline like “Tefillin causes bomb scare on US flight.” (I’ll bet the NY Post didn’t have to describe White Plains as “just north of New York City,” though). Because, to us, Tefillin is neither weird nor scary, it’s just something you use every day like your toothbrush. Well, men mostly, because if you’re religiously observant enough to pray daily with Tefillin, then you probably also believe only men need to do so (but there are exceptions, please don’t gripe at me).

But what are Tefillin and what special powers do they have to bring down planes? In English, Tefillin are known as phylacteries, although I have never heard anyone use this word in my life in conversation. It’s more for the English translation of books about Jews. Or blogs about Jews. But we’re going to use Tefillin here. The use of Tefillin stems from the Biblical commandment to “bind [my words] as a sign upon your arm, and they shall be as symbol between your eyes.” (Deuteronomy 6:8). Like most commandments, observant Jews take these sorts of things pretty literally and that’s exactly what is done. Essentially, Tefillin are two small leather boxes with attached leather straps and they are worn on and wrapped around the head and arm. Inside each of the boxes are parchment scrolls upon which are written the following Biblical verses: the first two sections of the essential prayer of faith, the Shma (which also includes the verse above), Deut. 6:4-9 and 11:13-21, and as well, Exodus 13:1-10, and 11-16 which also reference the reasons for wearing Tefillin.

These verses are a sort of instruction on to what extent one should adhere to God’s words. Take them to your heart. Tell them to your children. Say them when you’re at home and when you go out, when you lie down and when you get up. Wear them on your head and on your arm. Put them on your doorposts and gates (that’s the mezuzah part, in case you recognized it). By donning the Tefillin during prayer, one has God’s words smack against their skin and has their actions (the arm) and their mind devoted to God’s words.

There are elaborate instructions on how to wear Tefillin. I don’t know them because I’m a chick and I don’t have to (women are not required by Jewish law to do time-bound commandments) but apparently it pretty much becomes second nature. It’s a big deal when a Bar Mitzvah gets to wear them for the first time. Then, four years later he gets arrested on a plane.

Even my friend Pammy from Tulsa which is all the way in that state with the surreys with the fringes on top has seen Tefillin. Maybe you have too! They look like this:

And like this when they’re being worn:

Should you wish to reach your destination without a pit-stop in Philly (and who wants that? I kid!), please print these pictures out and show them to your local flight attendant.

Depeche Mode – Wrong

That exclamation point is important. Don’t say Adar, say Adar! Adar is the sixth month of the Jewish year (or the twelfth if you’re counting from Nissan, when Passover is… we have lots of New Years). Adar as you’ll recall, is the month that has Purim, the festival of treats. This is not its technical name. OK, this is just the name I personally give it. Why would you recall this and from where? Why, right here! A while back anyway. To quote myself:

Hey! It’s a special month on the Jewish calendar and that month is called Adar. It’s awesome and special because you’re commanded to be happy the whole month. Yes, indeed, doomed to happiness for four plus weeks. The happiness thing is because Adar is the month with Purim, one of those holidays where the Jews were saved from certain death (well, almost certain, obviously) and that’s a giant excuse for a party. Tomorrow night begins Purim, the holiday where you give gifts of baked goods to your friends and it’s a mitzvah to get bombed off your ass. That might not be the exact language the Talmud uses, but that’s really the rule.

My Mom was a Jewish educator, as I’ve stated many times here, and she liked to wear a giant button on her coat at this time of year that embarrassed me beyond the limits of teenage humiliation. It said, “Be happy! It’s Adar!” in Hebrew and English. Oh Mom! When I was in college, my grandma died during that month and after that, it was terribly hard for my Mom to be happy then but she wore the big green button anyway. Sometimes commandments are hard. After she died, we found that my Mom had like ten of these buttons. Ha! I kept one but, you know, I don’t actually walk down the street with the thing on my coat.

Too cool. You know what’s even more cool? Someone wrote me based on this post and asked:

Hi! My son’s bar mitzvah is coming up (soon!!) on Rosh Chodesh Adar, and so “Be Happy, It’s Adar!” will be the theme. We’re thinking of giving out Adar/Purim kits containing a gragger, tzedakah box, bag for shalach manot, etc. I’d like to look into including a “Be Happy, It’s Adar!” button, though we might have to have them made up, as I don’t see any being sold online. Can you tell me more about what your mom’s button looked like, or what the Hebrew wording was? A photo would be really helpful, but anything you can tell me would be really appreciated!

JM

This.is.awesome. Could there be a better theme than this? In a world of Star Trek and Twilight themes, this.is.awesome. Kudos upon kudos. In case you had not surmised from this letter, it’s not yet Adar but it’s fast coming down the pike. So I went digging down into the mildewed basement to my storage space and between the little ceramic challah I made my Mom for Mother’s Day and her check cashing card to Seven Mile Market (come on, I had to save that) was the button. It’s nothing special, I have to say. But what struck me was the Hebrew on it which says, “Mishenichnas Adar, marbin b’simchah.” This does not literally mean “Be happy, it’s Adar.” It means, “When Adar begins, we increase in happiness.” So this made me wonder where this statement comes from and how it got translated into some kind of forceful command. Do it! Be happy!

Turns out it’s from a section of the Talmud called Ta’anit and it’s the second half of a statement which begins by talking about the saddest month of the Jewish calendar, Av. That’s the one where so many tragedies befell the Jewish people including the destruction of both Temples as well as the expulsion from Spain. Bear with me here, because I do not have the complete Talmud in my home and didn’t have time to run over to the Beit Hamidrash (house of study, but in this case, a room in my synagogue with lots o’holy books).

But supposedly, it goes like this. “Rav Yehuda the son of Shmuel the son of Shilat says in the name of Rav: Just as one is required to minimize happiness when the month of Av begins, so too when the month of Adar begins, we increase happiness.” (T.B. Ta’anit 29a)

And so, I’m really glad that I got asked this question so I could learn this. It makes it even more appropriate that my mother was able to get over her sadness to rejoice in Adar, because that’s apparently what it’s actually about, the time to be happy as opposed to the time to be sad. And maybe sad is the wrong word because it doesn’t say that; it says, “minimize” your happiness. Maybe that’s because we’re essentially a happy people. We don’t really need to be told to be happy, just when to lessen our happiness and when to increase it. Or maybe that’s the way it used to be and nowadays, we’re all too stressed and worried and we really do need that reminder, because happiness is not just a good thing, it’s required. So be happy, it’s Adar! (soon!)

Since a Bar Mitzvah exemplifies the future of the Jewish people, it is even more appropriate that it be held in Adar which is the flip side of Av, the month of destruction. I hope that your son’s Bar Mitzvah is a time of great joy for you, JM, and that through him you increase the happiness of all around you.

And, well, I hope you find a slightly more attractive button than this one. Mazal tov!

Ladies and gents, I may have six papers due this week but am I the luckiest girl in the world or what? Just look at the Hannukah haul! I practically had to delete my entire wishlist.

Doesn’t Andre look soulful? That’s because he knows I won’t have time to read this until my semester is over. Have faith, Zen Master.

I am Serious Chris Noth. Do not look at the sexy, I’m just here to catch perps. CHA-CHUNG!

Brownie pan! With lid! I have been looking for one for ages; tin foil on top of the 9×9 is just not my speed. Also shown, potholders to match new kitchen < Vanna White hand motion >.

Awwww! Isn’t it darling? It’s a mini crockpot which serves one to two. One is for when you’re not visiting me and I scarf down the whole thing. I mean, uh, leftovers.

Actually, I have one of these already but it finishes cooking in five hours and I like my crockpots like my… oh never mind, let’s just stick with “this one’s better.” Also, it says it’s great for party dips and I am nothing if not a party dip.


But (serious voice), I don’t want to get away from the real meaning of Hannukah. The hearkening back to a time when the brave Maccabees rid Israel of the scourge of people who sought to assimilate and take on the ways of the foreign conquerors. So now we celebrate their victory by watching eight days of Law & Order. CHA-CHUNG!

Or not. Sorry, I’m full of jelly doughnut.

Once upon a time, long long ago, this was my favorite song on earth, I kid you not. Scott Muni used to play it on “Things From England” on WNEW. Then Wham! became big and I pretended I never liked it.

Title comes from:
Wham! – Everything She Wants

People always ask me, what’s the proper greeting for Yom Kippur? So if I see Suzyn Waldman, hurrying out of the WCBS booth at today’s delayed Yankee game to get to services, what should I say? Happy Yom Kippur? Happy Holidays? Seasons Greetings? (Well, it is a season, the season of repentance… but that’s a stretch.)

There are several options. Yom Kippur isn’t a holiday in the secular, Madonna sense. Celebraaaate! It’s a holy day, in the old-timey, Biblical sense. It’s the last piece in a period of reflection that begins over a month before, where we think about ourselves, what we have done wrong, how we can make those wrong things right, and hope that God shows mercy. On Yom Kippur, we fast and spend nearly twenty-four hours in continuous prayer. At the beginning we ask God to inscribe us in the “book of life” a metaphor for forgiving our sins and allowing us to have a good life for another year. At the end of Yom Kippur, the “book” is closed and sealed. So the most traditional greeting is:

Gmar chatimah tovah (Gmahr ha-tee-mah toe-vah) = may your finished sealing be good
That is, may you be sealed in the book of life with a good outcome.

This can be shortened to Gmar tov (gmahr tove), literally, “a good finish,” but really a shorter way of saying the above.

You can also still say, “Shana tova” (shah-nah toe-vah), or, a good new year.

There is also “have an easy fast,” which I’ve inherited a non-fondness for, because my mother used to say, quite rightly, that the point of Yom Kippur is to suffer so that one really turns inward to think of their behavior and past actions. So having an easy fast defeats the purpose, really. She used to say (and others do too), “have a meaningful fast.” Of course, you can cover all bases by saying, “have an easy and meaningful fast.” But it’s perfectly acceptable to go with the standard, “have an easy fast,” and I promise, no Jew will ever answer you, “don’t tell me what kind of fast to have!”

Not to mention, this is all easy for me to say, since I’m on medication that doesn’t allow me to fast. But I’m not eating steak frites either.

Anyhoo, thanks for the good wishes, and thanks to the Yankees for having an early game so Suzyn and I can attend evening services without missing the game. I’d also like to say that I’m sorry for anything I might have done to hurt anyone this year and I hope that you’ll forgive me. In conclusion, clinch early and clinch often.

Hothouse Flowers – I’m Sorry