Magic Jewball

As promised, the answers to your pressing Passover queries! Sadly, there’s no suspense since the questions were in the comments. Luckily, half of you never read the comments.

Lydia asks:
Why in the world do you have to get rid of all your food? As a fat girl, that would make me extremely sad.

It makes everyone sad. And tired, very tired. Judaism is all about taking the most basic pronouncement God makes and taking it to the extreme. And why not? His pronouncements are pretty weighty. Passover celebrates the exodus of the Children of Israel from Egypt and slavery. Pharaoh kept changing his mind about it so when the Jews got the OK they dashed! Because of this, the bread they had been baking didn’t really have time to rise and instead became matzah, a kind of crispy flatbread. To commemorate this, God said we’re not supposed to eat bread on Passover and our sages have taken that to mean we must clean every speck of chametz (food that has any bread or flour involved with it) out of our homes. So unless it has a symbol on it (usually a regular Kosher symbol with a P next to it) that ensures that, out it must go. Then you clean every bit of your home (especially if you’re like me and you drink your coffee in bed each morning) to make sure nothing remains. It’s like Spring cleaning on steroids! And just when you think you’re done you find a Jolly Rancher in your messenger bag. Oops.

Here’s a good description from jewfaq.org:

The process of cleaning the home of all chametz in preparation for Pesach is an enormous task. To do it right, you must prepare for several weeks and spend several days scrubbing everything down, going over the edges of your stove and fridge with a toothpick and a Q-Tip, covering all surfaces that come in contact with food with foil or shelf-liner, etc., etc., etc.

In reality, you don’t throw everything out. There are other options:

a. Finish it up! If you lived in a home like the one in which I grew up, you ate creative recipes like pasta with cumin and ketchup from about late February onward. By the end, you’d sneak out to Baskin-Robbins for dinner just so you could avoid tuna-noodle casserole sans tuna or noodles.
b. Give it away! The homeless love Passover!
c. Sell it! No, really. Most people (Becca included) set up contracts with a friendly neighborhood non-Jew in which they sell their chametz (that’s the forbidden food) for a nominal amount and buy it back at the end of the holiday. Then you cover it up or get it out of your sight (I put mine in my storage space) and don’t mess with it till Passover has passed over.

Next year, I’ll be selling my chametz to Lydia to cheer her up.

Sarpon asks:
No Starbucks?

Actually, Starbucks’ bagged coffee often has the O-U P symbol on it. But the coffee they make in the shop does not and comes into too much contact with all the other bready goodness they sell. During the regular year, the fact that they sell ham sandwiches is pretty separate from the coffee. But on Passover, things are really strict and the bread in the sandwich is the death knell for having a latte there. But let me tell you, that is the first thing I buy for Passover each year, a bag o’Starbucks. I’m still waiting for Moses’ Pesach Blend, though.

Not a question, but Alex suggests I clarify the title of my last post. Passover is, in fact, only eight days in the diaspora (that is, outside Israel). In Israel it’s only seven, thus negating my catchy post title. This is because (and I’m going to again steal from jewfaq.org, because I still have a lot of cleaning with Q-tips and toothpicks to do):

The Jewish calendar is lunar, with each month beginning on the new moon. The new months used to be determined by observation. When the new moon was observed, the Sanhedrin [kind of like the supreme court] declared the beginning of a new month and sent out messengers to tell people when the month began. People in distant communities could not always be notified of the new moon (and therefore, of the first day of the month), so they did not know the correct day to celebrate. They knew that the old month would be either 29 or 30 days, so if they didn’t get notice of the new moon, they celebrated holidays on both possible days. This practice of celebrating an extra day was maintained as a custom even after we adopted a precise mathematical calendar, because it was the custom of our ancestors.

Since Liverpool is outside Israel, John, Paul, George, and Ringo called their song “Eight Days A Week.” Yep.

Joy Division - Passover

The lesson of this post is that you can send in a Jew&A question at any time and when I run out of all other ideas, I’ll actually get to your question, probably long after you stopped even caring about it or reading this blog. So, onward.

EmeraldMPH asks:

I have a question about staying kosher.

A Jewish acquaintance of mine who stays kosher once made a chicken for me and my roommate that she brought over in a disposable aluminum roasting pan to warm in our oven because our roasting pan would not be kosher (as she explained it).

However, she then ate with our silverware off our dishes. She also goes to restaurants and eats with their silverware off their dishes.

I guess I don’t understand where the line needs to be drawn. You have to keep your own dishes and flatware kosher, but you can eat off anyone else’s? I mean, how do you know that someone didn’t just have a bacon cheeseburger with a side of lobster on that dish? Or does it matter?

Well, here’s the deal, according to me, because let me tell you, you could get a lot of different answers to this question, including, “wow, she’s not really kosher at all.” But, in my opinion, Judaism is about interpretation and what you feel comfortable with and believe in. Especially with the laws of kashrut (that’s the noun form of kosher), there is an interpretation for every grain of sand on the beach. Most people I know who are kosher would not eat on those dishes at all. Some might eat cold food only (doesn’t pick up any of those miniscule pork bits left over). Many wouldn’t have eaten chicken that was cooked in an oven that’s also used for non-kosher chicken.

Some people eat dairy and fish in non-kosher restaurants. Some people don’t trust the food on El Al (Israel’s airline) to be kosher enough for them and need the meal that was endorsed by a certain Rabbi instead. Once when I was on Iberia airlines to Israel I saw that the regular meals had a little note on them that said there was no pig products in the meal. For many secular Israelis, that’s enough. Most people who consider themselves Orthodox wouldn’t have touched it. Bottom line to me is that each person needs to worry about what he/she does and let the rest of the universe choose what’s best for them. Just don’t expect Joe Glatt Kosher to eat off the rest of the universe’s plates.

DuJane asks:

Can you ride in an ambulance on the Sabbath?

Yes, if it’s a medical emergency. Well, I guess by definition it would be since they don’t usually take you by ambulance to have your nose done. But saving a life takes precedence over any other Halachic (Jewish legal) reason. There are exceptions for sanctifying God’s name, but sabbath observance doesn’t fall into that category.

Am I allowed to ask about sex on the Sabbath?

Yes, you’re allowed to ask. Next!

Oh, I kid. Sex is actually encouraged on the sabbath, since you’re supposed to enjoy the sabbath and well, for most people it’s a pretty enjoyable thing. I guess, “is bad sex allowed on the sabbath” would have a more complex answer.

I’m all out of religious referenced songs so we’ll use this one with that “crawl into my ambulance” line.

Manfred Mann– For You

I have to be extra special careful with this Jew&A as several of my family members are reading and will be correcting my errors, I assure you.

Standard disclaimer: I am not a Rabbi, nor do I play one on the Internet. Ready? Play.

Barb asks:
I am really curious about how hard it must be to keep Kosher. I mean, just looking at the labels of the everyday foods I eat…well, I just don’t know how you do it, Becca. Is it as difficult as I imagine, or does it just seem hard because here in backwoods Eastern NC there are no options. The nearest Temple is about 50 miles away.

Well, for one thing, I was raised doing it so it seems easy to me because I always have. But you’ve hit on another thing, which is that I live in an area with more Jews than Israel has. I meant to take a picture of the huge Kosher sections in the various grocery stores around here, or even one of the markets that’s all Kosher, but, you know, I only had 2 weeks to prepare for this post. And there are a whole bunch of fun Kosher restaurants as well. Check it out!

But really, you just learn to do it. You look at the box or the can for the little Kosher symbol (Try it yourself! Here’s a whole slew of them.) and pretty soon, you already know that Twizzlers have the O-U symbol and you don’t really have to worry about it. Of course, these things do change, so you kind of should. Except the Twizzlers because I just had a bag last week and I promise you, they still have the symbol.

I mean, it’s not to say it’s easy. There are tons of rules, you can’t eat a burger at the local Wendy’s, and you live your entire life with people asking you “so you’ve never even tasted lobster?” But really, like anything, once you get the hang of it, it’s second nature. Even places without big Jewish communities have Kosher foods in the supermarket, like Cheerios and Morningstar burgers and all kinds of things you never knew were Kosher.

I bet Eastern NC is purty, for all it’s lack of Kosher Pizzerias.

SeaTern asks:
Are the seats in a synagogue called pews?
Stupid question I know but I’m curious.

Yes! And more importantly, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Luckily, you’re not among them.

Irshlas asks:
How does one go about becoming a Jew? Is there a process, or classes, or do ya just start going to temple? Also, how does the Jewish community feel about converts? Is there real acceptance or are you always an outsider? Don’t mean to sound so deep but was genuinely interested.

As I told Irshlas in an e-mail, I’ve answered this question a bit before, but since she thinks that DISINTEGRATION IS THE BEST ALBUM EVER, how could I resist answering it again?

There is indeed a process, and if you’ve seen Sex & the City, you may know what it is. This is a bit sensitive, as conversion is different for the 3 major movements of Judaism, Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform, so I’ll try to be as general as possible. I distilled the following from my own knowledge but mostly from A Guide to Jewish Religious Practice by Rabbi Isaac Klein, which is the general handbook of the Conservative movement, and is traditional in content.

Since Jews aren’t supposed to try to convert people, the Rabbi will actually turn you down several times. So the first step is to keep asking. That way, we know you’re really serious. And of course, he’ll probably ask you if you’re really serious. But not in that John McEnroe way. Then comes the part where you learn all about Judaism (many places do in fact have conversion classes) and start observing our fun rules. But don’t worry, for every commandment saying you can’t eat bread for a week, there’s another that tells you to get drunk on Purim. This can all take a bit of time depending on how much education you need. Then when you’re ready, if you’re a guy, you get circumcised. If you already have been, you just get a ceremonial prick of blood. If you don’t have that particular equipment, you head straight to Part B which is immersion in a mikva, or ritual bath. Despite a popular Jewish song, there are no sharks in the mikva. Blessings are said and when all is done, you get a Jewish name and you’re officially a member of the tribe. You will not immediately be funny, but it will come to you.

Experiences vary, I’m sure, but I’ve never in my life seen a convert treated any differently than a person born a Jew. Officially, people who join the Jewish people voluntarily are considered to be specially loved by God (that’s also from Rabbi Klein’s book, see, I don’t just give credit to other blogs).

Several people ask:
Why do Jews write God as G-d, and why don’t you?

Jews are not supposed to write the name of God because there’s a prohibition against erasing or defacing the name of God and you worry that if you write it, it could later get defaced. BUT, the name of God is not “God.” God is just an English word. The name of God is more closely associated with the English word Yahweh, but isn’t quite that either. And even with all that, typing on a computer is not considered a permanent form of writing, just a bunch of ones and zeroes on a chip. But, hey, if you like putting the dash in, knock yourself out! I’m not going to stop you. Like all things in Judaism, it’s open to interpretation and those who do it differently will refuse to let their children marry each other. But I digress.

DuJane asks:
What’s the next major holiday that will rob us of your presence for days on end? And why do you hate dogs?

It’s Rosh Hashanah! That’s the Jewish New Year, and believe me, as it gets closer I’ll talk a bit more about it. Suffice to say, Dick Clark and confetti are not involved. Luckily for my boss and my vacation day count, most of the slew of Jewish holidays that fall this time of year show up on weekends. And you know I rarely post then anyway. You won’t miss me a bit.

Because they hate me, silly.

Thank you Barb, SeaTern, Irshlas, DuJane, and several anonymous people! Here’s the Jewish concept of the month, straight from Proverbs: Charity will save you from death. You heard it here first! Well, no, Proverbs came first by a wee bit. Anyway, this is the last week to give to my friends running the Komen Race for Breast Cancer Research in Boston. And then I stop bugging you about it. Yay! By the way, when you race folks do find The Cure, give Robert Smith a big hug for me, would you? But if cancer research doesn’t float your boat, feel free to give somewhere else!*

*Sadly, this blog is not a charity.

The Cure – Faith

And so, as promised, here’s Jew & A, with all questions courtesy of DuJane. What I love about DuJane’s questions is that they’re so long that they make up half the post. It’s kind of like she inveigled herself a spot as Guest Blogger without me actually being on vacation.

Without further ado, except my standard explanation that these opinions are strictly my own and don’t represent any other Jews, goyim, Martians, or other form of life, here we go.

1. I was watching Sarah Silverman’s “Jesus is Magic” and she had a lot of commentary about Jewish people that buy German cars, especially those that were commissioned by Hitler. She even had a song about it. What do you think about this?

I don’t know. Was the song good?

Well, I have friends in Germany and I have visited and had a delightful time. That is to say, the Germans of today are no more responsible for what happened during the Holocaust than I am for slavery in this country. As a matter of fact, they are more acutely aware of anti-Semitism and right-wing racism than almost any people I’ve ever encountered.

But, for me personally, I feel uncomfortable when I ride in a friend’s Volkswagen and I certainly wouldn’t buy one. And not just because the mini-Cooper is the only car I could ever own. Volkswagen is quite symbolic, to me, of Hitler’s ideas. It’s a bit too much for me.

2. On Sex and the City, Charlotte converted in order to marry Harry. I always wondered if “real” Jews would take that kind of woman seriously. Are converts like the nouveau riche to the people who are born into Judaism? And would it be different if a person chose to convert for their own reasons instead of so obviously doing it to marry a person of the faith? Do you think Harry wasn’t a “good” Jew for dating her in the first place – I mean, really, it was such a date-this-type but marry-this-type situation that I don’t think he was fair to her and yes I watch too much SATC and this question has turned into a statement but I’m going to use a question mark anyway? And do they really refuse a person three times?

I don’t claim to represent all Jews. But as far as I’ve seen, converts are as accepted as any other Jews and are treated no differently. I do think that people who convert just for their spouse are often not as committed as those who find it on their own. But I need to clarify that. Some people just pay lip-service to it. Others, through their loved one, discover the religion and the culture and embrace it totally. Charlotte was in the latter group and so I thought that was lovely. We can see that from the fact that even during the period when she lost Harry, she still stayed the course with Judaism.

And maybe it was always in Harry’s mind that she might convert. That is to say, I saw those episodes a really long time ago and don’t totally remember that part. But we already knew he had problems because he was a Mets fan.

Yes, they refuse a person three times. We play hard to get. You have to really want it.

3. My ex-boyfriend was a Jehovah’s Witness who couldn’t salute a flag or say the pledge because it meant he was worshipping a false god. My new (hot) boyfriend is a retired military man that would spank me if I didn’t show the proper respect for a national anthem or flag presentation. I hate the “under god” part of the pledge and my Christian-right-wing family thinks that any question of removing “under god” is a direct attack on Jesus. So where do Jews stand on the flag, anthems, and pledging allegiance?

We love America! It’s been really good to us. I was always taught that July 4th and Thanksgiving were really important to celebrate because America was the land where Jews had found such incredible freedom. I went to Jewish schools and the pledge of allegiance was said every morning.

It is a Jewish custom to follow the laws of the country in which you reside and to pray for the government of that country. In Jeremiah it says: “Seek the welfare of the city where I have caused you to be exiled, and pray to God on its behalf, for in its prosperity you shall prosper” (Jeremiah 29:7).

I’m not sure how we got from your hot boyfriend spanking you to Jeremiah, but that’s the Joy of Jewball.

As for “under God,” well, I don’t like religion being injected into secular things. Sure, I believe we’re under God, but I don’t need to hear it in a pledge. And what’s next? Under Jesus? That wouldn’t be something I believed. So let’s keep the whole thing out, shall we?

4. When I was a Christian, there were so many instances where I disagreed with the “official” church stance on the issue, but still considered myself a Christian despite that differing personal viewpoint. Are there any issues where you strongly disagree with the official position of your faith?

I just have to say, the phrase “when I was a Christian” is really disconcerting to me, because there’s no instance of saying “when I was a Jew.” I think that’s because Christianity is a faith, but Judaism is both a faith and a people.

First off, there is no official position of my faith, really, but since I’ve peeked down below, I know that’s your next question and I won’t explain further. Patience!

It’s a common Jewish practice to believe that anyone who does less than you is doing the wrong thing and those who do more are insane. I follow this tradition closely. So, let me take this occasion to criticize those to the right of me, why not? There’s a tradition amongst married Orthodox and ultra-Orthodox women to cover their hair when seeing men other than their husbands. I have to respect anyone’s right to do anything they like but I find the idea that men can’t control themselves when looking at a woman’s hair and that women should thus wear a hat or wig at all times both ridiculous and unbelievably sexist. But this is why I don’t let most of my relatives read my blog. That and the fact that I swear. So let’s keep all that between you and I, wink wink.

5. Does Judaism even have a governing body and “official” opinions? I know Lutherans have a big panel of people that vote and issue declarations and whatnot, and Catholics have the Pope and his people. What do you have?

Depends on the denomination. On the left, Reform Jews have the Union for Reform Judaism which hammers out their ideology and rules. In the middle, Conservative Judaism has an organization called United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, which does pretty much the same thing. I have a personal connection to that organization and their rules but perhaps that’s best left to e-mail (that was for DuJane; what, were the rest of you reading too?). As I mentioned in an earlier post. I grew up within this movement. Don’t make me find the post. The search box isn’t just there for decoration, you know.

With the Orthodox, there are fewer “official” positions. If you are Hassidic, your Rebbe makes all your decisions. If you’ve seen the Movementarian episode of the Simpsons, you have some idea of what I mean. With anyone else, you either learn the laws for yourself or ask a learned person you trust (often your Rabbi) what the law is. Different Rabbis have different opinions as to interpretation of the law. The key is to stick with one person to answer your questions and not pick and choose answers you like from different ones.

Thanks for all the fine questions, DuJane! And next time, I’ll give some of my other fun readers a chance.

Tori Amos – God

OK, and now, a late-breaking addition! The following question was asked in a comment:

Becca, I hope this doesn’t come out sounding horribly stupid or insulting but, what exactly do you “do” during the Sabbath? Can you light a candle? Do you sit in the dark? I’m totally intrigued here.
Lover of the Jewball,
Paige
Louisville, KY

Hello again Paige!

Here’s a fun new Hebrew phrase that everyone should memorize (don’t worry, there won’t be a test). It’s “Eyn habayshan lomed” which loosely translates as, “the timid person can’t learn.” Since learning is paramount in Judaism, asking questions is always a good thing.

So, onward. As I explained, you can “enjoy” electricity just not actually turn it on or off or manipulate it in any way. So, what we do is, just before sunset on Friday when the Sabbath begins, we set all the electrical things exactly how we want them to be for the next 25 hours. We turn on the light in the bathroom (someone will always turn it off by mistake, though - watch out for that), the kitchen, the dining room, maybe a lamp in the bedroom. We leave the air conditioning on if we need it. Things like that. So we don’t sit in a house without electricity, we just don’t press buttons or flip switches or spin dials. That kind of thing. Some people use timers to turn the lights on and off (living room off at midnight, bedroom on at 8am, etc.) but some don’t.

But, and this is a mistake that many people make, the Sabbath is not about deprivation. No, it’s actually a vacation every single week. Picture yourself in your favorite remote vacation spot. Maybe it’s a beach or a cabin in the woods. No one can call you. E-mails cannot be picked up. You can’t do work that you brought home from the office. If you’re called in, well, you can’t go. There is no TV. No radio. No video games. It’s quiet. All you can hear is the sound of your loved ones. They’re sitting around the cabin talking to each other. Maybe some are reading or playing a board game.

If you’re single, imagine popping over to a nearby cabin to have a festive dinner with a bunch of friends. You’ll eat, you’ll drink, you’ll sing. Maybe you’ll meet some new friends while you’re there.

This is really what the Sabbath is like. On the Saturday, I’ll go to synagogue in the morning, maybe I’ll take a walk or visit friends in the afternoon, read, nap, relax. There is nothing to do. I can’t feel bad that I didn’t do my laundry. I can’t do my laundry. The Sabbath is like an oasis of peace each and every week.

I hope I’ve explained that OK. It’s hard to articulate how restful and relaxing it is. But if I haven’t, try the cabin! And bring a really good book.