Magic Jewball

I’ve been pretty terrible about writing lately but this is just a tough-love approach to getting you used to my being away. Also, so I could have something to be sorry for on Yom Kippur. Because I am utterly sinless. Bwahahahahahaha! Anyway, now that I’m all cleansed I know you’ll be wondering what sort of sugary cereal I broke my fast with. Wonder no longer, it was Fruity Pebbles. How could I resist it, the box had a big blurb on it that said, “Now Better Tasting!” I could imagine all those scientists in their white lab coats measuring the tastiness of each little pebble until they got it right. And you thought it couldn’t be improved! Just like me on Yom Kippur - see how I brought that right around?

Anyway, it’s only a couple of days until you experience the void in your life that means “I don’t know if I’ll be able to post on vacation or not.” And no one volunteered to guest post. I should really have e-mailed you all personally which is what the blogs I guest posted for did. But they’re more organized than I am. And who isn’t, really? So I’d like to point you to a new blog by my friend Maureen who goes by the name Veruca Salt and likes to review atrocious horror movies. Now, I don’t even like this kind of movie but I tell you, this is my favorite kind of blog. No “I went to the store today and bought milk,” just concentrating on one thing and doing it well. I love these reviews! It’s in my blogroll but please check it out here.

Also, something I’ve forgotten to mention is that I will be away for my birthday (oh no, Becca!). Yes, it means Kosher McDonald’s hamburgers in Jerusalem for me, no post for you. But I can imagine what you’re thinking. “Why, Becca, you give this blog free of charge all year, no advertising, no ‘Amazon wish list,’ no ‘donate here’ button. What can we give you for your birthday?” I’m so excited you asked! I enjoy cheap, meaningful presents and so, here’s my idea. You can gift me a song on iTunes. Any song! A song you like, a song you hate, a song you think I’ll like, etc.

Here’s how it works (you have to have iTunes, sorry): You simply click on an the album with the song you want to send and then on the “Gift this music” button. Then all the songs magically change from “Buy Song” to “Gift Song” and you can follow the directions from there. My e-mail address is in the “About Me” box on the right. Of course, I will still love you just as much with no gifts, but here’s your chance to force your taste on me and pay me back for 18 months of me forcing mine on you. Don’t pick anything from the album below, however, I already have like three copies.

(click to enlarge)

Voila! (click to enlarge)

Oooh, I love that song, thanks!

Anyhoo, I’m here for another couple of days. Don’t do this yet or I’ll get it before my birthday. And if I’m too happy before I leave my plane will crash. I learned that from Lifetime movies.

Sugar - Gift

People sometimes say to me, “you’re so funny! Is your family funny too?” Boy howdy they are! If last year’s parade of Brother2 jokes from the US Open didn’t convince you of that, well, look out for this year. Or ask me about the laugh riot we had at the cemetery today over the lavish Bukharian tailgate party going on there, I kid you not.

Except my Mom, really, she wasn’t especially funny at all. Her idea of a good joke was, “who was the shortest man in the Bible? Nehemiah! Get it? Knee-high miah!” Oh bwahaha, Mom. But one thing she was was an appreciative audience. She’d really laugh at your joke and say “verrrrry good… did everyone hear that?” in a way that made you think you were on your way to doing stand-up.

On the last day of her life, when she was barely coherent, we knew she was still “there” because she laughed at a joke that Sister2 made from this show, one of her all-time favorites. Even though she couldn’t speak, you could tell from her eyes that she was saying, “verrry good… did you all hear that?” Tonight, just before I went off to synagogue to say my last Kaddish of the day, I flipped around the TiVo guide and found I had a new channel (AmericanLife TV Network: your Baby Boomer TV choice, speaks to the interests and values of the unstoppable Baby Boomer generation… er, OK) and that this show was actually on! I had no idea that when they said God worked in mysterious ways they meant that He worked at Time Warner Cable. And so, I downloaded it to my computer so that I could capture the opening sequence and dedicate it to you, my readers and commenters. Thanks for all your good thoughts and know that you are the appreciative audience that makes telling the jokes such a joy.

If you are handling a reunion of some sort and you are working with a directory that is eons and eons old, it is best not to leave a message on an answering machine that goes approximately like this:

“Hi Bill? This is Janet from _____. You probably don’t remember me but we were _____ at ______ together and a bunch of us wanted to get together, and oh, Bill everyone wants to see you especially. I hope this is you, Bill. My phone list is really, really old but…. is that your wife, Bill? We’d love to meet her too and know what you’re up to. Remember when we _______ and then when Alice and Jennifer joined us for _______. Those were great times and…. I really hope this is you, Bill. If it isn’t, I’m so sorry to intrude on your time but… anyway, so there will be six of us, hopefully and, oh gosh, remember ________? That was just so, so great. We can’t wait to see you and remember _____ together. You can reach me at ______. Can’t wait to hear from you! [pause] Oh, and remember that time when we all went to _____ and _____? Man, that was just wonderful. So, call me soon, Bill! If this is Bill.”

I not only left out all the details but about five more paragraphs of her life story with Bill. Listen, Janet, were you afraid that unless you described every little thing he might not remember you and the gang and all your good times? I suppose you were swept away by the memories but obviously not enough to keep from interjecting every few minutes, “gosh, I hope this is you, Bill.” Indeed.

I swear, I meant to call her back after dinner and try not to completely embarrass her by letting her know that she had just told many detailed and some intimate things to a complete stranger who knows her name, phone number, and employer (yay for Caller ID). Because if I was Bill and experienced all those fun times then I’ve clearly been drinking quite a lot and have total amnesia as to some surgery and whatnot. But you know how it goes. Dinner leads to the premiere of Big Love leads to fixing the TiVo because it crapped out, and yadda yadda yadda. She ended up calling back hours later and even though I knew it was her, I played innocent so it went like this:

Me: Hello?
She: Uh, hi, is Bill there?
Me: Oh, you left the message earlier! I’m sorry, you have the wrong number, there’s no Bill here.
She: No?
Me: Nope
She: {slightly miffed} Oh.
< click >

I can’t decide. Was she just utterly humiliated (good call, no pun intended) or was she pissed at me for not calling her back? I can’t help it that I’m a. not Bill and b. am hungry at 8pm and c. have got a TV thing going on. Perhaps I’ll call her back at ______ & Company and find out.

The Cure - Wrong Number

A disparate photo essay.

Seen:
On the sidewalk (for sale amongst other fancee art, you can see) while walking home the other day.

Observations:
1. Was the person whose name was on this plaque desperate for cash or desperately embarrassed?
2. Whatever happened to Kriss Kross?
3. Will I be reduced to doing this at some point in my life? (answer: surely yes).

Seen:
In one of my French instruction books.

Observation:
Maybe it’s because we don’t have the tu/vous issue. Or maybe it’s just because of the president we have.

Seen:
During recent Yankee game broadcasts on the Yes Network.

Observation:
What genius at Supercuts thought it was a good idea to do a bucket hat giveaway to promote their hair salons? Not that I haven’t needed one after exiting that place.

Related to none of this, please check out my and other bloggers’ license plate handiwork over on Arjewtino’s delightful site. (Corrected… stupid typo).

Kris Kross - I Missed The Bus

I’ve decided to take your mind off Tax Day and Tragic Massacres and show a video. Yes, I finally give in to the hype and I’m going to post Dr. Tran. I tried to resist it but this thing cracks me up every single time I watch it. Either I’m 12 or the concept never gets old. Probably a little from column A, a little from column B. What, is Dr. Tran too lowbrow for you? While the rest of us are watching the movie, please enjoy news about our storm from five countries.

British

Australian

French

German

Israeli

And without further ado, Dr. Tran.
(takes a minute to load, by the middle it’s no longer safe for work)