Magic Jewball

It’s 4 in the morning and you all know what that means: posting in the middle of the night! Who needs quality, I’m awake so let’s go for it. Hey, how often do you get to hear that?

Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve talked sports but there’s a convergence of fun events so here we go.

Baseball season is here! I think it’s finally time to cancel my Netflix subscription as I’ve had the same DVD since February and now with the six game a week schedule I can see I’ll never get to it. Fortunately, I’m 30 yards from a Blockbuster. Anyway, Andy Pettitte is back! And he blew chunks! I’m going to give him more time, though. Cory Lidle, however, is still dead.

Hockey playoff season is coming! And the Rangers made the playoffs! I know, only like two teams don’t make the playoffs but one of them, until a really short time ago, was going to be the Rangers. But they clinched last night (I guess it’s officially last night now) and I’m just thrilled. Definitely must cancel Netflix.

Davis Cup tennis is back! Again! I seriously can’t get the schedule of this thing but I think it’s this weekend and you know what that means: I found David Nalbandian! But even more exciting, should this be your home team, is that Israel is actually in it (they’re playing Italy - lucky Italy). I know, they have less chance of going all the way than Cory Lidle does of pitching but I’m proud anyway. Kadima!

Team Argentina: That’s David, just to the left of the Incredible Hulk.

Here’s the only picture the Davis Cup site provided of the Israeli team. Ooooh, aaaaah.

Oh, and the US is playing Spain. That’s all you’ll get if you’re watching American TV. What, there are other countries?

Local H - Sports Bar

I’m sorry I’ve neglected to write recently but I’ve been extra-busy and I was also wasting spending my time writing a guest post on another blog. Hey, wasn’t someone supposed to remind you about that? I forget who. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve all enjoyed re-reading the same posts over and over and gazing at KP. But, if you were observant, you’d have noticed that there is a new page up featuring a soon-to-be-regular feature called “iPod song of the week,” wherein I remind you of some song in the distant past or horrible present that you should have on your iPod. It’ll change weekly. That’s where the “of the week” part comes in.

Yes, yes, I tried it in a post and no one seemed interested. Now you can be uninterested somewhere else! It’s over in that top-right box underneath that oh-so-subtle reminder to donate to charity. Charity, streaming songs, charity, streaming songs…I don’t know. I’ll leave that choice up to you. As with the eternal “chicken or beef” question, I like to go with both.

Anyway, should you not be a Mets fan, feel free to check out my guest post on This Is What We Do Now. If it’s moved off the top, try here. And if you’re a Mets fan and I love you, I was kidding. Or I didn’t write it. Or…oh my God, is that Mike Piazza over there? < sound of running blogger>

Yes, indeedy. Here’s the song I would have put up had that post been on this blog. Which it isn’t. Because I didn’t write it.

Tom Petty - Even the Losers (Get Lucky Sometimes)

I’m going to have oral surgery tomorrow (that’s not as kinky as it sounds, believe me), so before I go loopy I thought I’d post a little something.

So, remember my post where I idly added a few seconds of video of the subway that I take every single day, rain or shine? Well, often not rain, because that seems to completely confound the subway system, but you get me. Anyway, somebody saw it on youtube and wants to use it in a documentary.

Now, I am not a pay it forward kind of person, but I do feel keenly when I’ve been wronged not to do the same to anyone else. You may also remember (or not, probably the latter) that I was denied licensing for a song I wanted to use in a film. That was quite the bummer. So, even though these folks won’t pay me, I said sure. But I’ll get a credit. That’s almost as good, isn’t it? Washington Mutual accepts film credits as mortgage payment, don’t they? Don’t they? Hello?

Well, I’m sure they accept good karma. Don’t disillusion me.

So, speaking of doing something for others, let’s entertain Becca when she gets back from oral surgery, shall we? Here’s our baseball-oriented topic. If you are making $25 million a year and you have gone 8 for 36 in your last 10 games (and had a similar number of errors), do I have the right to boo you miserably when you were MVP just last year? Does A-Rod come to your office and boo you when you’re having a bad day? Does $25 million a year make you immune to people booing you in every stadium in America (and Canada!) including your own?

Sadly lacking these days.

Please comment aplenty. I’m informed that my fingers will still work after the procedure.

Nine Inch Nails – With Teeth

Well, once again, I had a hard time choosing. I can see already that this is going to become a cliché. But I did lie awake nights thinking about it. OK, I was awake for other reasons, but hey, once you can’t sleep, why not think about who is going to be Reader of the Month?

But so all day I’d obsessively watch my stalker stats and you all would be kind enough to visit on your company’s time. Yes, your boss would be calling or you’d have a patient on the table but it all bored you and you came here. Then I’d go home and it would trickle off. But one place showed up like a nagging itch each and every night. It was Cambridge, Mass. I knew it couldn’t be Curt Schilling because he’s so busy washing his socks and stumping for the Republicans. No, I knew the person reading my blog on her own time had to be Soxfan. Don’t know Soxfan? Here’s a picture of her relaxing in her living room.

Lot of green in there, Sox. You might think about redecorating. Anyway.So, because we have established that everything’s more fun in list form, let’s list all of the reasons Soxy (can I call you Soxy? Thanks.) is the ultimate J-Ball reader (well, this month, at least - I’m fickle).

1. First off (that was implied by the #1, how redundant of me), despite the fact that Soxy started her extraordinary blog-reading career by leaving lots of snickery “Randy Johnson is sure earning those millions, snortle, snortle” type comments, she sold her soul to be Reader of the Month and stopped trying to figure out how to get her “Yankees suck” digs into html brackets. Why? To be famous on the Internets, of course! I love that in a reader.

2. Even though she’s incredibly busy planning her wedding to Jason Varitek (I think that’s her fiancé, I’m not too clear), Soxy still finds the time to check out J-Ball, even tearing herself away from giggling with the girls at theknot.com, to have several look-sees a night. Here’s a picture of Soxy tasting possible hors d’oeuvres for the big day.

Nice. I would have gone with the hot dogs in the blankets, though.

3. Most importantly, Soxy left lots of subtle hints like, “I just want to be Reader of the Month,” and “It’s always been my ambition to be Reader of the Month,” and “Am I Reader of the Month yet?” At some point, I got the message. Plus, it was so timely what with That Other Team visiting Yankee Stadium, the Home of the Brave and All Things Good for practically a whole week! It just seemed so appropriate. I believe Soxy had MLB set the schedule up this way for just this purpose.

See, even though Soxy seems so cute and little and adorable, she can be scary when things aren’t going her way. I have proof!

I know what you’re thinking. Me too. Jason Varitek does look a lot different without the mask.

So, I’m a little worried now that the fact that Soxy has achieved her goal in life added to the recent development of me turning off comment moderation will be a recipe for disaster. But I have faith that Soxy isn’t the type that does things just for tangible rewards. I mean, what kind of person would do that?

Yes, that’s a chin-scratcher. But I’ve promised Soxy that she can claim (and pay for) her Reader of the Month dinner at the finest restaurant in the Bronx, Yankee Stadium. I mean, do they have a Kosher hot dog stand at Fenway? Come on.

But while I know we’re all sorry to see Steph dethroned, I just heard that A-Rod was made Player of the Month for May. Now Steph and A-Rod will have something to talk about the next time they see each other! So let’s congratulate Soxy on her achievement as well as on her upcoming nuptials. I know I for one will be thrilled when babies with names like Trot and Coco arrive on the scene.

As if Soxy and I weren’t simpatico enough, the song I was going to choose for her was the one she actually chose for herself. Damn Yay!

The Standells - Dirty Water

But that’s OK. Here’s a good one too. They didn’t have the War original but this one’s decent.

Smash Mouth - Why Can’t We Be Friends

Oh, and by the way, skip the comments making the requisite today’s date and evil empire connection. I am WAY ahead of you. Plus, in Judaism we don’t have a 666 thing. So there!

I’ve been a sports fan for a long time. First hockey, then tennis, and then baseball. Even before I was a baseball fan, I was a Yankee fan. This is both because I grew up in a mostly Yankee New York household and because I read a biography of Lou Gehrig as a child and was entranced. When I saw the movie and realized that Lou Gehrig was actually Gary Cooper, well, there was no looking back. It was only later that I began to actually enjoy the sport itself and not just reading the score in the paper.

But this is the part I have always had trouble with: the trade. As I sit through this afternoon’s telecast of the Anaheim, or LA, or Anaheim of LA, or LA of Anaheim game, I am again pondering the mystery of it. I think I have finally accepted Johnny Damon. Maybe.

You remember Johnny Damon with his head of Breck-girl hair blowing masterfully in the Fenway wind. Now he is a Yankee. Or so I have been commanded to accept. It’s not like this is my first day of trying to wrap my mind around this. Oh, I saw the pictures of his fancee haircut over the Winter. Then I went to Spring Training opening day in Tampa and saw him wave cheerfully at our crowd of tourists and Floridians (Tampons? No, that can’t be right). And now it’s been a week of doubles and base hits in the far West. But it’s still hard.

Imagine this. Our commander in chief, I forget his name, conducts a press conference where he announces that after gathering together our millions and millions of dollars, we have finally signed Osama and as soon as he has passed his fitness test he will be on a plane here, beard shaven, to don the US Army uniform and terrorize other nations on our behalf. “I’m proud to wear this hideous shade of khaki,” Osama says through his translator. “Clearly Al Qaeda didn’t appreciate my efforts and my option came and went without a word to my agent. Now that I have been signed, I can tell you it has always been to my dream to play in the land of Benjamins. See you in April!”

Not that I am comparing the Red Sox to Al Qaeda. Seriously. But you see what I mean? Isn’t sports supposed to be like war? This must be why I also love tennis. You can’t exactly trade Andy Roddick, can you? Although these days I wish I could. I wonder how Johnny Damon’s forehand is. He could even grow out his hair, no problem.

But back to baseball. I know what you’ve been thinking as you read this. “Yankees? You lost me, Becca. I don’t care who wins this year as long as it’s not them.” That’s OK. I don’t mind. But consider this. The Yankees are America. Wait! Hear me out! You know, the richest, the most successful, the arrogant one, the one with the megalomaniac leader, the one that draws the talent from the rest of the world because this is where the money and success are. You know it’s true. So hate the Yankees if you must but you’ve just answered that “why does everyone hate us” question once and for all. Go ahead, root for your hometown team (you should!) but if you’re just rooting for the team that hasn’t won lately, well, Go Russia!