Magic Jewball

all signs point to no

 

Snappy answers to stupid questions – July

Filed under : Meta/Blognews
On August 8, 2007
At 12:05 am
Comments : 7

Better late than never! I know, you’ll be the judge of that. But here we are, the usual effort on my part to answer the questions of the world’s searchers who come to this site.

paul banks drugs

No! I’m shocked!

jew tv

Isn’t this unfair? Everyone seems to have their own channel but us. And they say we control the media!

really snappy answers to stupid questions

Um, this.

famous people who lost someone dear

It does seem terribly unjust but even the rich and famous cannot buy immortality for their relatives. So I would have to say, all of them.

lyrics to the food emporium theme

Someone built a store just for me
Food Emporium, Food Emporium
Prices to make you faint, we guarantee
Food Emporium, Food Emporium…

the godfather the five families

Let me see…. Corleone, Tattaglia, Barzini and…. Ragu? Prego? Newman’s Own?

cream puffs suck

Loser!

jew buy german mini cooper car

The Mini Cooper is British. Are you thinking of Volkswagen? See here.

locked out apartment how much locksmith charge

A lot, brother, a lot.

real stupid questions about americans

Wow, that’s a tough one. How come they only eat McDonald’s? Why are they all religious freaknuts? Do they enjoy being fat? Must they wear those stupid fanny packs while traveling? Did they really elect that guy?

my neighbors may have a prostitution ring

Mine too! Oh wait, that’s how you found me. That whole Google thing. Right. Carry on.

whole foods bakery department manager salary

I believe they pay them in scones and two-bite brownies.

becca save me

I’m trying!

skim latte in hebrew

Golly, I have no idea; they didn’t teach that in yeshiva. Can this wait till I go to Israel next month?

bar mitzvah good deed theme

That’s an excellent theme. Kudos or, as we say, mazal tov.

kevin youkilis star of david

No, silly, he’s a star of the Red Sox.

famous people who get into trouble with the law

Try here:
The Smoking Gun

reasons why you would love a person more

They could like cream puffs.

what kind of underwear does rafael nadal wear?

The kind that constantly have to be picked out of your ass.

nude women

I could not possibly be near the top of the list when you Google this. No freaking way.

conservadox mean

It means you’re somewhere between the Conservative and Orthodox branches of Judaism. I wrote a whole post about why I changed my sidebar description to that but it remains unpublished. It wasn’t funny enough. I have standards, I tell you!

ca plane pour moi translation

Wooo-ooo-oooo-ooo, you are the king of the Devon…. Yeah, I only know the English parts.

hebrew labriut

Bless you! No really, it’s what you say when someone sneezes. Although it actually means “to your health.” I mean we’re religious, but only idiots think your soul is coming out your nose, thus requiring the aid of the Lord.

make me pregnant magic

Erm, that’s not magic, my friend. I mean, it could be, I guess, depending on your experience.

federer jewish?

question stupid?

heinrich maneuver lyric meaning interpol

Did you not read the very first item on this list? No, of course you didn’t, I hadn’t written it yet. Anyway, Paul Banks is on drugs and none of his songs have any meaning at all. How are things on the West Coast…. of pretentious, meaningless lyrics.

And our “No one explained to me how Google works” award goes to:
grocery chain store-if there is any website like this plese show me



Top 5 searches after “is Famous Person X Jewish?”
1. oprah six years to live (damn you, Alex!)
2. interpol ticketmaster password
3. simpsons porn
4. jeremy blake
5. laurent delahousse



Sorry, only 30 seconds. No wonder you can’t figure out what it means.
Interpol – The Heinrich Maneuver

 

7 Comments for this post

 
Esther Kustanowitz says

I always find keyword searches to be so revealing of what a broad swath of people are thinking about and Googling, unaware that they’re leaving a trail of their twisted and bizarre proclivities and inclinations.

Mostly, I get searches for “Ellen Degeneres gay Portia Dirossi” and “Tom Cruise Rob Thomas gay rumor.” Or “Marzipan rugelach.” And now that I have typed those here, you’ll get them too.

Oh, you’re welcome.

 
Becca says

Oh great! :P

But now I’m going to have to go to your site and find out about that whole Tom Cruise/Rob Thomas thing. Although, truth be told, I’m more interested in marzipan rugelach.

 
Celia says

Marzipan rugelach???????

That is one of the most captivating notions I’ve heard in a long time.

I’m picturing something made with Solo almond filling. Did you know that Solo also makes other nut fillings? I could probably eat that stuff right out of the can so I’m afraid to buy it.

 
Esther Kustanowitz says

The rugelach are by a bakery named “Marzipan”–the items themselves are not made of marzipan. It’s very confusing, I know.

 
Celia says

Oh. How disappointing. But now you’ve given me the idea. Not that I ever bake my own rugelach, but if I were going to, I’d find a way to include almond paste.

Then I’d get to eat all of them myself. I think I’m the only one in the house who likes it.

 
Becca says

Well that’s just depressing, although I’m nearly as excited to hear about a bakery called Marzipan. I would try to make them myself but rugelach are so much work that if they came out poorly I think I’d end up throwing my mixer through a window out of frustration.

 
sarpon says

Why can’t we just make rugelach-shaped confections from marzipan? If they can make seashells from marzipan, they can make anything.