Magic Jewball

all signs point to no


Hallo, Gentleman Stranger!

Filed under : Life in general,TV
On February 25, 2007
At 10:15 pm
Comments : 19

I seem to have a lot of new readers who don’t perhaps know one of the recurring characters of this blog, my fabulous cousin, Pious B. Pi lives just a few blocks from me and also works in the music biz. It’s a family affair! Anyhoo, the other day, Pi came over to hoot and holler with me (I was drinking, what?) over the Flavor of Love spin-off, I Love New York, in which New York (or Tiffany, as her mother calls her) chooses amongst a group of the lamest group of “men” you could find. It’s impossible to really root for any of them, except that she’s no prize specimen herself. It’s natural selection at it’s finest.

But without the commercials the show is only about 40 minutes and so, as we began to wonder if it was really that awful out there, we naturally headed right for a major dating site to have a look-see. Our conclusion: it is! Now, I’m sure the ladies on “Unnamed Dating Site” are just as bad but we didn’t really go there. Along the way, however, we realized that it wasn’t only the field, but terrible, terrible marketing. So, for everyone out there attempting online dating, here’s some advice and observations. It works for women too!

1. Don’t begin your profile with “LOL.”
2. Don’t begin your profile with “Hallo, Lady Stranger.”
3. I know it’s hard to talk about yourself but must every other profile start with “My friends say I’m….?” Bonus goes to the guy who said, “My colleagues say I’m…..” What, no friends?
4. Don’t put a picture of yourself with your hot ex. Yes, it’s really delightful to see you could attain such a high standard. Bravo!
5. If you’re going to cut your ex out of the picture, try not to leave her arm in there. Or her wedding bouquet.
6. If the main thrust of your profile is how intelligent you are, spelling “intelligent” correctly would be a good start.
7. It’s hard to believe you are serious about meeting someone when your shot is a webcam view of the side of your head. Or up your nose. Or a candid of you on a polo pony, taken from above (I’m not kidding here).
8. If you are a man seeking a woman, try not to use a woman’s name as your screen name. Especially one that means “pretty” in another language.
9. Looking for someone “beautiful inside and out” means no fatties. On the inside.
10. Isn’t it amazing how many people both work AND play hard?

I know, ten is a lot. Let’s sum up in three.
1. Good photo
2. Spellcheck
3. Eh, fuck the profile, just do #1.

Later this week in “The Adventures of Me & Pious B,” Pi and I go see Music & Lyrics which, not having been nominated for any Oscars, ought to be blissfully empty.

Just because.

KLF – 3 A.M. Eternal


19 Comments for this post

Sarpon says

Excellent advice! You should hire out.

Pious B says

Ah, reading this post just allowed me to relive that fabulous night of debauchery all over again. But I believe you omitted the number one lesson gleaned:
don’t nick your handle from a Village People lyric.

KP says


Have fun at the movies!

Alex says

Where can I go to read Pious B’s blog? Or the blog of her evil twin, Impious B?

Pious B says

Wow, thanks for the love, Alex. I’m not sure that I’m quite blogready yet; I guess you could say that I’m the George Jefferson to Becca’s Archie Bunker and am hoping to eventually attract enough of a fan base to spin off on my own. Or I can continue to live my quiet life of piety and make the occasional cameo as Becca’s sidekick.

Becca says

Sarpon, I do! I have to support my blogging somehow. Attention, if you are the guy on the polo pony, please contact me immediately. And inside joke to those who know, Polo Pony Guy is French. You can’t make this stuff up!

Pi, I did think of adding that in, but the YMCA earworm was too hard for me to deal with. Shit, there it is again.

Thanks, KP.

Alex, let me tell you, it would be both fascinating and hysterical. There might be a section for each of the two, even.

But, Pi, all I ask is that you don’t move on up to the East Side. Not that I wouldn’t love to see you in a dee-luxe apartment in the sky-iy-iy.

Alex says

Ha! I KNEW Becca would have a problem with that East Side part!

Becca says

Some people know me way too well.

Alex says

Don’t fret, Becca. At the end of the day, you’re still as shrouded in mystery as you ever were.

Pious B, take the plunge. I’m always happy to see you turn up here; I’d follow you to your own blog. Between Becca and me, that’d be a readership of…well…two.

Pious B says

Hmmm, I just don’t know if I’m convinced. I mean, is there really an audience interested in hearing about the exploits of a single Jewish gal living in New York City trying to work her way up the corporate ladder of a record company behemoth?

Becca says

Trust me, there isn’t.

Alex says

I see your point, Pious B. When you put it that way, I’m not so sure I would read a blog like that.

Also, am I the only one who repeatedly misreads the title of this post as “Hallo, Gentleman Strangler”? Which would, of course, make the title of the online dating profile much more alarming.

Sarpon says

If you would add “naked pictures famous people” to your blog, Becca — just the words, not the actual pictures — you’d really take off. Look where it got Jon Stewart.

Becca says

Oh great, now I’m going to get Google hits from people looking for Gentleman Stranglers and pictures of naked famous people.

Lisatagio says

There are really men who start their profiles with LOL?

kay says

Oh come on. My boy Tango is going to win Miss New York’s heart.

Sarpon says

Not to mention naked stranglers, famous tango gentleman, and New York boy pictures.

Becca says

Tag, sad but true, but at least he had a good photo.

Kay, he’s sneaky. But maybe they deserve each other.

Sarpon, stop, stop!

Orbeck says

Oye, as your “recently unattached” friend I am now thoroughly depressed.