Magic Jewball

I seem to have a lot of new readers who don’t perhaps know one of the recurring characters of this blog, my fabulous cousin, Pious B. Pi lives just a few blocks from me and also works in the music biz. It’s a family affair! Anyhoo, the other day, Pi came over to hoot and holler with me (I was drinking, what?) over the Flavor of Love spin-off, I Love New York, in which New York (or Tiffany, as her mother calls her) chooses amongst a group of the lamest group of “men” you could find. It’s impossible to really root for any of them, except that she’s no prize specimen herself. It’s natural selection at it’s finest.

But without the commercials the show is only about 40 minutes and so, as we began to wonder if it was really that awful out there, we naturally headed right for a major dating site to have a look-see. Our conclusion: it is! Now, I’m sure the ladies on “Unnamed Dating Site” are just as bad but we didn’t really go there. Along the way, however, we realized that it wasn’t only the field, but terrible, terrible marketing. So, for everyone out there attempting online dating, here’s some advice and observations. It works for women too!

1. Don’t begin your profile with “LOL.”
2. Don’t begin your profile with “Hallo, Lady Stranger.”
3. I know it’s hard to talk about yourself but must every other profile start with “My friends say I’m….?” Bonus goes to the guy who said, “My colleagues say I’m…..” What, no friends?
4. Don’t put a picture of yourself with your hot ex. Yes, it’s really delightful to see you could attain such a high standard. Bravo!
5. If you’re going to cut your ex out of the picture, try not to leave her arm in there. Or her wedding bouquet.
6. If the main thrust of your profile is how intelligent you are, spelling “intelligent” correctly would be a good start.
7. It’s hard to believe you are serious about meeting someone when your shot is a webcam view of the side of your head. Or up your nose. Or a candid of you on a polo pony, taken from above (I’m not kidding here).
8. If you are a man seeking a woman, try not to use a woman’s name as your screen name. Especially one that means “pretty” in another language.
9. Looking for someone “beautiful inside and out” means no fatties. On the inside.
10. Isn’t it amazing how many people both work AND play hard?

I know, ten is a lot. Let’s sum up in three.
1. Good photo
2. Spellcheck
3. Eh, fuck the profile, just do #1.

Later this week in “The Adventures of Me & Pious B,” Pi and I go see Music & Lyrics which, not having been nominated for any Oscars, ought to be blissfully empty.

Just because.

KLF – 3 A.M. Eternal