Magic Jewball

You know the deal with Reader of the Month: you read and comment a lot, you get your wacky photos on the Internets, and, should you be in the New York area, you get a meal with Becca which you are heartily invited (nay, required) to pay for.

Well someone finally took me up on it! Yes, it was adorable little Soxy who was the Reader of the Month for June. She happened to be visiting from that “new” England they have up there and we went out for sushi and, in Soxy’s case, a delightful lychee martini, which seemed to give her quite a lot of enjoyment. OK now, don’t go wild, Soxy.

After the check was split, I whisked Her Soxness up to Times Square where she picked up 95 pounds of Dale & Thomas’ finest popcorn before sidestepping 40,000 tourists and 30,000 Duane Reade stores.

I offered to take her over to the Yankees Store on 42nd but she shockingly declined. She also wondered with some surprise why she couldn’t find the Red Sox game being shown on the TV in her hotel room. I have no idea. Now you may remember or have seen anew after checking the link, that Soxy’s dinner was supposed to be at Yankee Stadium. Sadly, the Bombers had a day game today. Pity. Because you know I’m dying to go there and drown in a sea of beer thrown at a woman wearing head-to-toe Sox regalia. We may have to sit separately if that ever does happen.

Anyway, after dropping Soxy off at her cute little boutique hotel in Murray Hill, I waited in sweaty desperation for the R train. Despite that, the emergency call box offered me this message.

Wow, I guess I don’t need any more help than that.

This is the most accurate song about New York City ever. I post it in honor of that “hot as a hairdryer” verse.

U2 - New York

Lyrics

Just a day or so after writing that last post, a song came on my iPod which was actually more acid and sarcastic than Debonair. But more on this later.

So World Cup Lisa wrote me to say she was pleased I hadn’t wasted my energy writing about Mel Gibson. I dunno, I wasn’t really interested until she said that and so I decided to waste a bit of energy talking about it. Y’know, hearing the news that Mel Gibson is an anti-Semite is akin to hearing the news that Lance Bass is gay. Wow, that came out of left field! Who could have guessed?

But it’s an interesting time to talk about old drunkass Mel because tonight begins a Jewish day of mourning called Tisha B’Av (the ninth of Av - no relation to the fourth of July). In a bizarre coincidence, 98% of the tragic things that happened to the Jewish people all seemed to happen on the same day. Actually, since we fast on this day, maybe it’s a great thing that they all happened on just one day. There’s only so many days you can abstain from food and we already have six.

Anyway, here are just a few of the hit parade of tragedies:

• First Temple in Jerusalem destroyed by the Babylonians in 586 BCE
• Second Temple in Jerusalem destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE
• Expulsion of Jews from Spain in 1492

So it isn’t weird to be thinking about Mel Gibson and his anti-Semitic tirade this week. I’m not sure there’s anything in Jewish history about calling a female cop “sugar tits,” however. Either way, I really just feel sorry for people who are this ignorant. It’s 2006, get a clue. Sure, we control Hollywood. That’s why we made sure to put out a movie like “The Passion of the Christ” which inspired a whole new generation to want to kill us!

Anyway, speaking of Hollywood, let’s get back to the song I was talking about. One day, long long ago, on a planet far away, that is, Los Angeles, I was waiting on line at the El Rey to get into a show by one of the bands on my then-label. When I say waiting on line, I mean in my rental car, waiting for the valet parking guy to relieve me of it. While I was doing that, I noticed in the actual line to get in was standing none other than Maynard James Keenan of Tool. He wasn’t with anyone. No one was talking to him. As a matter of fact, through business I have seen Maynard several times and each time he was standing by himself, talking to no one.

But as I said, I had a lot of time to watch him taking in that whole unique LA scene of plastic looking people, music industry weasels, posers, has-beens, wannabes, etc. I mean, he lives there and all so what does he think of it? About a year later this song came out and then I knew.

Song not available on Napster.

Should you be the sensitive type, please be warned that like most Tool songs, this one has a truckload of profanity.

Audio to Tool - Aenema removed for space considerations.

Lyrics

People are always asking me, “do you know any new songs I can add to my iPod?” No, of course I don’t. I mean, I went to a show tonight of a new band and they were just crap. I can’t tell you who they are because they were one of our bands and my official line is that they rock!

But I do know plenty of old songs you can put on your iPod, or other less cool but better quality mp3 player. For instance, this overlooked gem from the mid-90’s. If you can find a more acid, more sarcastic song, I’d like to hear it. Well, no I wouldn’t. I take that back. This one’s pretty much as sharp as it gets. As a matter of fact, should you be walking down the street, listening to your iPod playing this song, I guarantee you that the reflection of which you catch sight in the store window won’t look like you at all. Fantastic.

Here it is, now try not to look daggers at people as you listen.

The Afghan Whigs – Debonair

Lyrics