Magic Jewball

all signs point to no


Post #113

Filed under : Life in general
On August 25, 2006
At 12:30 pm
Comments : 9

Mostly because I’m all out of ideas, I’m going to test the statement that my friend Becky made that I can make things that usually bore you interesting. Ha, see if this is interesting!

A Coffee Break in the Life of Becca

Like most people I know, I never actually drink the swill that they call coffee in my office. Frankly, I think the machine exists because there’s some law that says businesses must provide bathrooms and coffee machines. But I’m not sure the word “coffee” actually applies to this beverage. Instead, I go to Starbucks because, well, I’ve bought into the same hype the rest of you have.

I’m going to digress here and make my daily comparison of my life to either Seinfeld or the Simpsons. You know that Seinfeld where George buys a chair for the security guard who has to stand all day (and promptly falls asleep and gets robbed)? Our security guard has to stand, but his real problem is not the lack of a chair but more the utter and complete boredom that must be his world. His territory is a hallway and a reception area with no actual receptionist (we had to get rid of her when you people started stealing music on the Internet – happy?). There’s a video loop running all the time, but, must I say it again? Our bands are crap. Plus, it’s the same 10-15 videos all day long. Sometimes I see him staring at the 10 screens in slack-jawed fashion. But mostly, he seems to have occupied himself with a new role as doorman. Yes, I’ve shared all this with you merely to tell you that on my way out, the security guard opened the door for me. Thrilling, right?

Then comes the decision of which Starbucks to go to because there are 4 within 3 blocks in any direction. And yet, I’m still not satisfied because my last office had a Starbucks right in the base of the building. Three blocks is just not acceptable. But my decision was made for me because about 3 seconds after I walked out the revolving door it started to rain. Luckily, one of the Starbucks can be reached by entering one subway entrance and exiting another. Fantastic!

Once I got there, I got on line and was amazed to see that on the line one over there was an actual Italian couple. Italians at Starbucks! It’s as though I had popped into a bagel shop in Jakarta and it was peppered with phrases people think New Yorkers say but they really don’t, like “Fuhgedaboutit” or something of that nature. I felt mortified at the thought of having to say “grande skim latte” in front of them. And I knew they weren’t just Italians who live here because the woman was wearing an “I (heart) New York” t-shirt which (pay attention tourists) is something New Yorkers never do. I’m not sure why tourists do this, sort of like the people at concerts who buy a t-shirt and immediately put it on. What’s that supposed to represent? Am I supposed to say “Hey! OMG, you like Tool too? No way!”? But, after a few moments on line, they consulted with each other and then left. Phew.

So here is my question. What’s to stop people from just wandering into a crowded Starbucks and swiping a drink right off the counter? Several drinks always seem to languish there for a few minutes. All you have to say is, “why yes, I did order a Caramel Macchiato” and walk away nonchalantly. I mean, I was once standing at the counter waiting for a drink when a couple of kids walked in, grabbed the tip jar, dumped it into a bag, and ran off in about 3.5 seconds. That place is just coffee theft waiting to happen. Maybe people waiting for caffeine are just not thinking quickly enough.

Speaking of tourists, I work in an area that has recently, maybe in the last year or so, become much more touristy. So when I was walking back to the office (it had stopped raining, if that tells you how long the line was at Starbucks) …wait, you know, it’s a cliché to tell funny “tourists standing with maps in the middle of the sidewalk” stories. I’ll spare you. You’re welcome!

When I got back, I got the inevitable indignant “why didn’t you tell me you were going to Starbucks?” questions. Because you would have made me carry you back a drink, idiot. Duh.

Then I drink my coffee and burn my tongue. No lawsuits are involved. The end. And hey, if that didn’t entertain you, at least it kept me awake during the most boring conference call known to man. I really should have gotten a venti this morning.

Social Distortion – Story Of My Life

Should you wish to give me something to actually write some sort of substance about, especially if you don’t want to read about tennis all week next week, send your burning questions about Judaism to me for my next Jew&A post. Please use the e-mail addy in my sidebar rather than a comment so as not to give away all the questions in advance. You know you love surprises.


9 Comments for this post

  1. Jane says:

    That was very entertaining, thank you.

    I’d email you a question, but I think I’m banned from Jew&A for life.

  2. sarpon says:

    Starbucks makes so much money on each cup of coffee that the theft of several half-caf no whip triple shot gingerbread lattes each day wouldn’t be a blip on the bottom line. Besides, for every bleary eyed, lethargic patron with reactions dulled by a lack of caffeine there will surely be another denizen who lives at Starbucks, mooching off the free internets and downing double espressos, who will be on hyper-alert.

  3. Becca says:

    Oh, anyone can send one, Jane! Even people that have had an entire post dedicated to their questions.

    Sarpon, you seem to know a lot about this topic. Hm.

  4. John Masters says:

    Your friend Becky is right. But it’s not that what you are doing is boring; it may very well be. It’s just that, when you describe it, you reveal bits about yourself and the way you think and your own way of describing things. Which IS interesting.

    People in New York don’t say “Fuhgedaboutit” all the time? Huh! Learn something new every day.

    It’s kinda like me being from the south and people’s reaction when finding out that I hate grits.

  5. kay says:

    The reason people don’t steal the drinks from Starbucks is that it’s a bit like Russian roulette–you’ll probably get a decaf if you do it.

  6. Becca says:

    Thanks, John, but you’re scaring me. I’m revealing bits of myself? Holy crap. But I will reveal that I also hate grits.

    Kay, is it the karma that deals you decaf?

    I’d also like to declare that there is a new iPod song of the week. If you’re feeling depressed to begin with, um, please hold a puppy instead.

  7. KP says:

    Good song of the week. It didn’t make me wish I was holding a puppy, but it didn’t make me want to kick one either.

    And Starbucks?….piffle….I just want that reduced fat banana chocolate chip coffee cake like everyday twice a day thankyouverymuch, but for about 1000 less calories…reduced fat my butt.

  8. kay says:

    Yep, karma deals the decaf.

    Sounds like the name of a novel.

  9. Becca says:

    Well, KP, that’s good too. And I’m partial to the cinnamon RF coffee cake, which I believe was reduced 1%.

    Oooh, Kay, let me know when it’s published.

Comments are closed.