Magic Jewball

And now a little social and political commentary by Becca. This is so rare, I’m not even starting a category for it. No politicians will be mentioned, mostly because I don’t know any of their names. I vote and all, I just forget their names by the next day. Except that rich mayor guy. I remember him, mostly because I keep voting against him and he keeps winning anyway.

So you may have noticed we’ve had some terrorism in this area. I don’t mean to be flip, it’s just that lately this has led to a sigh of relief whenever anything bad happens and it turns out not to be terrorism. The most recent thing was a townhouse blowing up on the Upper East Side. Phew, thank goodness it was just some crackpot trying to keep his ex-wife from getting the house and not someone trying to kill the rest of us. Still sucks to be her, though.

Then there was an actual plot recently foiled where terrorists were planning to blow up a PATH train (that’s trains to New Jersey for you out-of-towners). The idea was to get a lot of guys with backpacks into one car and then detonate in a tunnel underneath the Hudson River (that’s the river between my apartment and Ikea). Yeah, we’re dumb, but no one’s getting into a commuter train car with 20 guys wearing backpacks. Well done, mad bombers, clap clap.

Anyway, with that last one, the news showed the requisite nervous subway riders and “what can I do, I have to go to work” folks. People! This is not the way to go about things. Terrorism is not about killing people, it’s about scaring you. Yes, that’s the terror part of the word. I know “if you get scared the terrorists win” has become a cliché but it just happens to be true.

It’s not like I’m one of those “don’t worry, be happy” people. I mean, my blog is black and the tag line is “all signs point to no.” But it’s like running into a wild dog. You can’t show fear or you’re a goner. And besides, a lifetime of fear is worse than a quick death, not that I’ve experienced either.

Well, OK, you say, just how do I go about not being scared? I mean, those guys are really kind of scary. Easy! Just think of it this way. There’s way more chance of you being killed in a car accident than in a terrorist attack. And New Yorkers don’t drive! So we’re WAY safer than the rest of the world. Feel better? As a matter of fact, you probably have more chance of having your house blown up by your ex-spouse. Don’t make me find the statistics on that, please. Just take my word for it.

So just remember, I blog because if I don’t, the terrorists win.

Title comes from this excellent song:

The Cure – Us Or Them

Yes, you read that correctly, it is not a typo, there are two, two, two readers of the month this month. On the other hand, I’m told marriage is about unity and so I considered making them just “Reader,” but, well, for purposes of inflating my readership totals, I’m double counting them.

So I owe my two readers of the month a joint apology. Seriously, they read my blog more than I do, I think. Each of them. But when you combine them, they simply set my stalker stats on fire. So why weren’t they first, you ask? Well, being the smart, urbane couple that they are, I assumed they would be above mere wacky tributes. But they weren’t!

OK, OK, enough with the intro; it’s Celia and Alex! You may know Alex as Alex526, a name he uses to distinguish himself from the other 525 Alexes who frequent my site. Celia leaves more comments but Alex sends me e-mails where he writes pithy responses which are too good for the likes of you to see. Celia and Alex get what I’m talking about more than the average J-Ball reader being funny and Jewish and half former New Yorker (that’d be Celia).

Now, I always know when I ask for pictures, someone’s going to slip in a Red Sox logo, since I don’t alter people’s photos. Yep, there we are. But I don’t hold grudges. See? I arranged their photos so they’re sort of gazing into each other’s eyes. Lovely.

I did have the pleasure of meeting the ROTM couple a few months ago (they have the good taste to live in the Balto-DC corridor, and if you’re a regular here you know that earns you gold stars in my book, if I had a book). I have to admit, they’re so sharp and interesting, I kind of lost my ability to speak. I hope they’ll accept this as some sort of proof that I have the ability to string two words together. The Internet is my friend.

But more on this fine couple. The Joneses (their name has been changed to protect the J-Ball obsessed) have two lovely daughters and when not hitting refresh on my blog, the whole family enjoys fighting fires for fun and profit. At least that’s what I assumed when they sent me this. Don’t disillusion me!

Lastly but not leastly, no family is complete until God sends them a dog. I wish I remembered the story of how that actually occurred but, well, a picture’s worth a thousand words that I can’t recall for the life of me. Perhaps Celia will tell it in a comment or Alex will send me a witty e-mail about it.

I already like this dog, though, because it’s too small to kill me and has the same baffled expression on its face that I have when someone tells me they like Maroon 5.

So congrats to Celia and Alex, the first ROTM twofer in J-Ball history. And even though you weren’t first, you are the first on the new J-Ball incarnation, which Alex still reads despite the flowers. May I continue to shep naches from your Internet surfing!

As is my standard M.O., I asked Celia and Alex to choose a song or two for themselves. Knowing a bit of their taste, I was surprised and delighted to find their choice was a song by Bow Wow Wow, whom you may remember from the worst song they ever did, “I Want Candy.” But I shouldn’t have been, really. Like any devoted couple, they wanted a tribute to their child.

Bow Wow Wow – Chihuahua

Do you know that scene in Hitchcock’s The Birds where Tippi Hedren is waiting for school to let out and slowly, slowly around her land thousands of birds? No? Well get right on that. Anyway, a similar thing happened to me recently only it was with cop cars. Yes, there I was in beautiful Columbus Circle when suddenly what seemed like every police vehicle in Manhattan and perhaps some other boroughs descended upon me as though the world’s largest donut shop were opening. I could not figure it out.

While I stood, agape, taking pictures like my camera was on fire (wait, no, I’d just drop it then, wouldn’t I - well you get the idea) several people came up to me as though I might know what was going on, simply by virtue of the fact that I was taking pictures of it. One woman told me in a grave voice that she was sure it was something dire. She said, “and you know where I’m from so I know about these things.” Huh? Have we met before? I mean, she had a sort of African accent but there are a lot of countries in Africa, or so they tell me. But she did point out to me, way on the top of the Time Warner tower, a small object. She was convinced it was a sniper. After she walked away, no doubt to polish her tinfoil hat, I zoomed in on it. It was a camera. Well, duh, it’s CNN’s building. No shocker there. (click to enlarge)

So I asked one of New York’s Finest. He said “training.” They train by calling a hundred police cars to a shopping mall? “Is it for terrorism?” I asked. “No!” he barked back at me. Well, gee, don’t be so touchy, officer. It’s not like I was about to speed-dial Osama and give him the 411.

By the time I was down in the subway entrance I realized I had forgotten to ask the most important question. Um, who’s watching my neighborhood?

The Clash – Police On My Back

I really thought I couldn’t be more excited than the last time I redesigned J-Ball. This is because I have no life. But I was wrong! This is WAY more exciting. First off, I have my own domain. This is kind of like renting versus owning even though you really rent your domain, rather than owning it. It’s an imperfect analogy, sue me.

So! Take a look around. Or should I lead a tour? Sure, why not. It would be so unhostlike to not show you all the pretty new things. First, naturally you can see that all the boxes are so sleek and have that nice kind of racer stripe around them. And there are more posts on each page because each one can have its own box. And the cool shades-of-gray flowers. Because sometimes, even a monochromatic person wants to feel girly. Click on a picture…see what happens? Click on it again, you’re back. Even the pic in my profile works like that.

Then there are the Wordpress things. Like the pages for special explanations and maybe more. There will be more coming, I promise. Then the categories. Do you like Reader of the Month? Click on that and find all of them. To people who are used to Wordpress, I know, this is old hat. But if you come from Blogger, it’s like seeing Home Depot for the first time after a lifetime at your little local hardware store.

So, now to the credits. First, DuchessJane who provides the web space (I like to think our sites are next-door neighbors on her server) and who gave me some fine personal attention while neglecting her own blog. Yay, Jane! In return, I give her this brillant new slogan: “Du business with DuJane.” You’re welcome!

Then the design. I mean, it’s a no-brainer to have French design. Look at all the Chanel suits I own. Or would own. If I had some money. But I didn’t set out that way on purpose. I thought it would be like the old blog where I found a cool design and made it my own with some long nights of CSS and HTML tinkering. Boy, was I wrong. It takes a lot more to run a Home Depot than a little hardware store. See, I searched everywhere for the perfect theme but I kept seeing this one I really loved. I was blinded by it. But the colors weren’t exactly J-Ballesque. So I figured, I’ll change them, no biggie.

Um, yeah, not so much.

So I thought, I’ll just e-mail this guy (it was like 2am, I wasn’t really thinking clearly) and ask him if I could hire him to adapt his theme for J-Ball. I hoped he wouldn’t be insulted that I didn’t want to just use the theme as he’d written it. “Hey, I like your shirt. Except not in that color. And a different collar. And longer sleeves. Oh, and with a pocket. But great shirt.”

He wrote right back, but I had gone to sleep to dream about round post containers. Eventually we got in touch. It was a bit hard to communicate. See, I don’t speak tech very well. I felt like an idiot most of the time. But it was OK! Because English wasn’t his first language, he thought he needed to apologize to me! Excellent.

Anyway, if you’re someone in my real life, you’re really tired of hearing about Ghyslain (a name I still can’t pronounce. Someone help me before I humilate myself). Because, and you know I don’t say this too often so you’d better save this page, Ghyslain is even funnier and more sarcastic than I am. I know, how can that be possible? But, my God, this guy is funny. He sent me the most hysterical, genius e-mail I’ve ever received in my life. Sorry, I’m not sharing it.

But back to the design. So besides that, he was extraordinarily nice and accommodating with all of my “no, I want it like this” and “no, no, maybe like that” and “yeah, the first way was better” and “don’t take my box outlines or I’ll hunt you down.” Then it would take him like 30 seconds to accomplish whatever it was. Sometimes he would know I would like something before I asked for it.

Because it’s hard for me to deal with website design I guess it took me a long time to realize that some people really love it. But here’s the part I did get. You know how it just makes me happy that you’re happy when you read J-Ball? Right, Ghyslain is equally happy when someone is happy with their website design.

Oh, and he plays guitar and enjoys Lost and beer. What’s not to like? You can see Ghyslain’s original design when you click on his link in the footer. He also has some lovely new ideas but I already have my blog so I’ll leave those for you. Oh, and did I mention? He’s just in his twenties but already runs his own web design company. Sorry, ladies, he is spoken for. And you’d be even sorrier if I showed you what he looks like.

So Ghyslain, thanks, and I’ll send the beer payment soon. Remember what I told you: don’t learn English from Becca! Yes, indeed.

Nearly last, merci to Jan for occasional translation services.

And of course, thanks to J-Ball readers for their patience in listening to me prattle on about this for all this time and the lack of new posts lately. There would be no J-Ball without you!

Feel free to comment on the new design!*

*All negative comments will be deleted.

This is one of my favorite songs ever. I dare you to sit still. I think it means “This Life’s For Me” or “I’m happy with my life.” You get the sentiment.

Plastic Bertrand – Ca Plane Pour Moi
And this one goes out to a special J-Ball reader in France.

Jack Johnson – Banana Pancakes