Magic Jewball

all signs point to no

 

Glass of Wine in Her Hand (Guest Blogger!)

Filed under : Judaism,Reader of the Month
On June 1, 2006
At 8:05 pm
Comments : 13

Hey, Kids! While Becca stays up all night long and eats dairy, I’m going to be entertaining you for a bit. You’re excited, right? RIGHT?

This is just like when your teenage cousin came to baby-sit. You hated her, she was a total self-centered wench, but you had to put up with it because mom and dad just need a break from you, for crying out loud. SOME PEACE AND QUIET, BECAUSE YOU MAKE MOMMY WANT TO DRINK. And your cousin, maybe she didn’t really pay attention to you? She just watched reruns of Degrassi Junior High and gabbed with her friends on the phone. And maybe your brother was really being annoying that day, like he bit the head off of your Barbie or something, but she didn’t really care? She was just painting her nails on the sofa with Wet N Wild and eating Ding-Dongs. You know, the Ding-Dongs your mother packed in your lunch so carefully next to the peanut butter and jelly and Cheetos? And it made you so mad you could scream?

That’s me! I’m Culotte Folle, but you may call me Culotte. Becca asked me to post while she is observing the Shavuot because I’m Almost Jewish. Let me tell you why!

Here’s the deal: my husband is a Jew. Sort of. His mother is Jewish. She makes the best latkes EVER, and ironically sends us candy on Easter. For this, and her excellent culinary skills, I love her. (Hi, Elaine!) I even got to light the menorah candles one year!

The best part about being Almost Jewish is that I’ve had the opportunity to sit Seder not once, but twice. The reason that you should be jealous is because Seder is awesome. Besides the obvious good eats (you haven’t tasted heaven until you’ve had a little fruit and nut jam on a matzo cracker), my Seder host usually invites about 30 people who have never met before and uses little finger puppets to depict the plagues. On a really serious note, it’s a great way to meet new people and share in the spirit of a moving holiday. Don’t tell anyone I said that.

I do have to admit that I’m honored to be included in these traditions. Even more honored that I am Becca’s Jewish Holiday Guest Blogger, even though I really wanted to be Reader of the Month. For that reason, please find the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” as my song choice.

But, let’s all tell Becca how much we miss her and that you’ll never ever be bad again, because you hate it when Mommy drinks.

 

The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want

 

Culotte contemplating Judaism

 

[Ed. Note: Thanks for the fine post, Culotte! She even used a line from a song as her title. Wasn’t that cool of her? Sadly, Napster would only give 30 seconds of her song. Boo! Hiss! Anyhoo, I’m eating blintzes right now but I did want you to know that amongst traditional Jews, Culotte’s husband would indeed be considered Jewish as we go with either matrilineal descent or conversion. Culotte’s still a shikse, though, but what’re you gonna do.]

 

13 Comments for this post

 
Anonymous says

Culotte rocks!

Enjoy your blintzes Becca!

KP

 
Jane says

I miss you Becca!

But Culotte is my #1 favorite alternative to you.

 
Twenchie says

Very nice, although I really must object to the use of the term Wench.

 
Kay says

Brava! Brava!

I have to confess that “fruit and nut jam on matzo” made me giggle a tiny bit.

 
Culotte says

Twenchie, the word “wench” was a total shout-out to you! I can’t believe you missed the reference!

Thanks ladies! Look for Becca to guest-blog on Culotte Folle next week.

 
Twenchie says

I’m going to have to take a field trip ovah to your blog culotte. I like you!

 
steph says

I have to admit that I think its more honorable to be asked to be Guest Blogger than ROTM. Anyone can e-mail goofy pictures of themselves and click on the J-Ball’s Blog 452 brazillion times a day. But it takes true talent to be an Almost Jewish Funny Girl.

Happy Holiday, J-Ball! Enjoy your day of dairy products!

 
Janorama says

Motherf*cker. I hate when I hit Preview by accident, instead of Publish, and then just X out of the box thinking that my witticisms had posted for the JBall world to see.

I forget what I said. Rest assured, it was funny.

Happy Blintz Day, everyone!

 
Kay says

Gah, my post is gone! It was to remind Culotte that as Guest Blogger part of her responsibility is to go to my blog and tell me how fabulous I am.

 
Culotte says

I’m on it!

 
Jane says

Finger puppets? Really? I need more information on that.

 
Becca says

Thanks, Culotte! Thanks, everyone!

I had seven kinds of cheese. Just wanted to share that.

 
Culotte says

Each puppet depicted a plague. Last year I was locusts. This year I was boils.